Complete Resignation

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Back in January, we were to adopt a newborn baby, but that was also when Mom's condition got worse. She was totally immobile (bedridden), so after mulling it over, I decided it wasn't the right time. The Farmboy really wanted to go for it, but when asked if he could take good care of the baby while I looked after my sick mother, he couldn't assure me. He himself had second thoughts, so in the end, we both agreed not yet.

When I shared the decision with Dad sometime in March, he was disappointed, saying we shouldn't have had second thoughts and taken the baby right away. Well, easy for you to say, but I wanted to spend a little more time with Mom, I said. He understood my point.

I mentioned the same thing to Mom, and she looked me in the eye and said we should wait. She believed we would have our own. It was as if she encouraged me not to lose faith. My hope was renewed. But then she left us in April. Along with my prayer for her to be at peace was a silent request for her to talk to God to give us our miracle.

Of course, we did our part too. We talked to the OB gynecologist in May, taking the necessary tests (both of us repeating the same tests we had years ago), and I also had therapy, following all advice and instructions to the letter. I can't even do laundry, but I did as I was told. Oh, how happy I was when my period got delayed for 45 days, but my joy was short-lived when the result was negative.

Six months later, and the answer is still a No.

So we decided to totally embrace things as they are and live one day at a time, without expecting anything. I have completely resigned my idea of becoming a mother to my own child, nor to another's. I started my DIY project, focused on enjoying moments with Yongi and the husband, and being lazy whenever I want, without any guilt.

And I feel a lot better.

No longer sobbing whenever my period comes. No more hurt ego feelings when asked why we don't have a child, or why we don't adopt one (we have the LilGuy). And yep, I can laugh genuinely when one of my naughty cousins calls me "barren."

And that has been one of the biggest decisions I've made, which turned my life around, especially in the emotional aspect. Thank you, Jane, for your question this week, which allowed me to share this lil story of mine. Please exclude this from your judging. It is a non-contest participation. Salamuch