Crazy little thing called Life.

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The road to wisdom?
-- Well, it's plain
and simple to express:
Err
and err
and err again
but less
and less
and less.”
― Piet Hein

I don't have enough fingers, toes or even hairs on my head for the amount of "mistakes" I have made in my life - though, I am not really big on the term, nor perspective "mistake". Nothing is ever lost on a mind which is open - and that is one thing I have always been grateful for having.

I have seen some serious hardship in the lives of the people around me over the years - whether near or not, but to be honest - most paled by comparison to the horrendous things my mother and her sisters were put through. They were five daughters and to mention one of MANY atrocities - their mother shot and killed one of the youngest at point blank range when my mother was about 5 years old. I have personally had dreams about the room she was killed in as well as other aspects of that incident and my moms life growing up.

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Life has an often almost "twisted" way of teaching us the biggest lessons in the most BRUTAL of manners!

My mom (as a little girl on the far left of the above photo), though strong in spirit - was always the gentlest of souls, and many of you here would have gotten to know her a little bit with her gardening posts on her Hive account@lizziesworld page - despite her reluctance to advance technologically, she was always in favour of sharing her nuggets of green finger wisdom.

Why am I talking about my mom?!

Well - she taught me what humility was - almost to her own detriment. She was my living breathing example of that. My mom was best friend and my emotional rock. There will never be anybody that knew me inside and out like she did - and vice versa - though both of us ferociously private in many respects.

The older I get, the more I see the humour in life and the "how" it teaches you things - but only if you are receptive to those lessons (obviously). I have also learnt with age, that I care a WHOLE lot less for what people think or say about me. Honestly, this is something I have dealt with since as far back as I can recall, because I NEVER fit the mould and I have ALWAYS spoken out.

Having said that, however - square peg in round hole and a voice as loud as thunder when it matters to me - I am mostly misunderstood by people because of those attributes alone. Most assume me to be an extrovert, when the truth is, I am the complete opposite. I am also ridiculously insecure - about so, SO many things!!!! I fight internal mental battles every. single. day!

Though I have developed a WONDERFUL relationship with my dad now (the little boy featured in the photo below) - as a kid, I was nothing short of petrified of him! He was "old school" and my personality dynamic pretty much got me into shit every time I opened my eyes! When I was about 10, I actually ended up in hospital with a spastic colon. It has taken me my WHOLE life to stand up to my dad as an "individual" - express my voice and stand my ground. But, doing so - has allowed us to BOTH to explore the type of relationship NEITHER of us were taught was NORMAL as kids. I am eternally grateful for that.

My point?! I suppose, in short - we are all carry our burdens and demons. We have ALL crossed many a rickety bridge, failed at learning the right lessons in time, hurt people we did not intend to, shot ourselves in the foot, mouth and back of the head and most importantly - we are ALL cluelessly, hopefully and passionately navigating this thing we call life - day by day, (including our parents... mine and yours). Having a teenage son is a daily reminder of this.

Some of you may know me well, others not so much... and plenty - not at all! I gave my heart and soul to Hive for almost half a decade. I did a LOT for this community and the people within it (as did they, in return) and I have been met with resistance PLENTY over the years, mostly because I don't have a filter accompanied by a low tolerance for bullshit.

I left because of the HATE and my inability to cope with it all after my moms passing... and I came back after two years, because of my passion for writing and connecting with like minded souls. I needed the break because I lost my best friend - my life was a mess and I just seriously could not see the light!

There were countless times I craved the warmth of the people I knew around here, so twice I created alt accounts and began blogging on those under the "guise" of other characters. The shoe never fit well and to be frank, it just felt EMPTY. Why? because I could not be myself. I could not share like this - like I always did! Neither of those attempts lasted more than a couple of months, if that - I have not double checked that time frame fact... I am going on guesstimation - so feel free to check yourself... Hive account@eliza.anne & Hive account@exploringella were the handles.

Why am I sharing this? because I have nothing to hide and I am TIRED of people of attacking me. Hive account@azircon Hive account@erikah - I said it in my "return" post I dont have ANY interest in drama nor conflict. I simply want to be able to write, share snippets of my journey and enjoy this space and the good people within.

I won't lie though - it was ALWAYS the fear of retaliation like yours which kept me away - made me fearful of coming back "as me". If it was not this, it would have been "that". Someone would have reminded me that once or twice a year I would "re-share" content I already had - "DAMN YOU POST RECYCLER!!!!" No, we won't look at any of the positives you added to this space in 4 years - NO, we will DROWN you in your sins! CHOKE ON THEM! Despite being a leader here for a very long time, the bullies in this space triggered absolutely EVERY fear within me when thinking about coming back as MYSELF! - How fncked up is that?!!!!

I KNOW for a FACT that I am not the only person who feels this way about the "clout" in this space - and even after two years... it has not changed. Not unlike real life though.

So - there it is! The TWO horrible things I did. Burn me at the stake!

I re-shared my own written content once or twice a year.
I attempted to re-join this space for the release of writing under the guise of two other characters so I could just be left in peace to WRITE! (but even that didn't happen did it Hive account@erikah because it took you less than ten seconds to interrogate the dates on my photos, lol)

So. Here I am. Full Transparency!

I have had it AD NAUSEUM with KEYBOARD WARRIORS and CYBER BULLIES.

What else would you like to interrogate me on? because this is the ONLY time and comment thread I will entertain it. Moving forward you will get NOTHING from me! I did NOT come back here for drama or politics, but Hive account@azircon - you downvoted my "so what did I miss" post - because it was a "shit post" in your words - then after that, YOU went against your OWN word... (the stickler for ethics and the HIVE "eco system!") when downvoting my PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE RETURN POST after CLEARLY stating that it did NOT warrant a downvote. You further tried to bully me into a corner on my comments re. my alt accounts - which is no doubt what triggered the downvote - after I did not react to your "open slander" comment. Yet, I openly shared this fact with the people who DO give a crap about me - why? because I am not ashamed of being a flawed human. The only person who seems to be enormously bugged by me... is YOU.

Let me remind you of your own words (with an appropriate priority of context revision):

The World and Hive is much bigger than YOU!

Let's also take a look at the comment you made on my PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE RETURN POST after already downvoting my so what did I miss" post.

Like I said in my PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE RETURN POST...👇

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I would appreciate an explanation for your downvote on my PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE RETURN POST which you yourself said did NOT warrant a downvote... 👇

In your words:

Nothing personal

This is as much about principle for me, as it was for you... when you set out to attack me re. the "Hive Eco System". Like I said - I am not here for drama, but I am nobodies doormat. All my cards are on the table now. Kindly move on! Those who choose to stick around because they can identify with my "humanness", will - and those who don't - won't. I am perfectly fine with either and both.

Again, in your words:

Universe will do universe.

I have no ill feelings toward ANYONE here. I just want to write, have fun, enjoy the space and be myself. If you don't like me or what I have to share - MOVE ON!!!!!!!!!! That is how it works everywhere else in the world! I will NOT engage in ANY further politics nor drama. I am a living, beathing soul. My writing is decent and I am NOT a bad person - I will NOT allow space in my life for people who are simply there to spite me for their own satisfaction and bitterness.

How about - instead of "hating" one another for petty BS, we try and get to know, or at least understand one another a little better! I am pretty sure it will render more positive results long term.

I am here to stay. I would very much like to do so WITHOUT animosity.

Please.

In closing, the painting shared in my header - was one done by my mom. Having grown up in Zimbabwe, with her dad as the head game ranger at Hwange National Park she had a great love for elephants. I chose to use this image because it reminded me of who I am and what I am doing. Even in her absence, her solid and sound approach toward life will continue to guide me.

Life is crazy enough without us all trying to destroy one another - faaark! I just dont have the energy for this level of shit anymore! I just want to be happy! I just don't understand why people are so hellbent on drama and destruction nowadays. We are ALL IMPERFECT!!!!! How and WHEN did we all forget that ACCEPTANCE of this fact is ABSOLUTELY intrinsic to a healthy life?!!!

I would like to become a better person, despite my failings and shortfalls. I want to show my son that life does not have to be as emotionless and brutal as what I and my parents grew up to know. I want to embrace the things that count, savour the moments which matter and discard the ones which don't.

Life is short. I choose not to squander it.

❤❤❤

Until next time...
Much Love from Country Bumpkinland, South Africa xxx
Jaynielea

_{ALL IMAGES ARE MY PROPERTY UNLESS OTHERWISE CREDITED}
_{Typos make me human. I may or may not get around to correcting them.}

“One's dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but it can never be taken away unless it is surrendered.”
― Michael J. Fox