My apologies for not posting lately, my emotions are still tender and my thoughts still often not coherent enough to write my typical post. Only, time and the Lord’s assurance can lessen the pain.
Thank you 
"Let not Death keep apart those that are still among the living." ~ Unknown
I was torn between a selfish wish and reality.
The ambulance lights illuminated the street, the flashing red continued to pulse as it pulled away.
On that late August night when I locked the front door, my thoughts roiled in turmoil, a pang of pain filled my heart as denial gave way to reality.
The door bolt slid over with a sense of finality.
The house is secure for the night.
One never turns this bolt knowing a family member has yet to return, my conscience unveils the truth that I was for so long unwilling to utter.
Deb wasn’t coming home.
My knees gave way, my head leaned against the door, and in an unguarded moment my throat and lungs began to spasm, my cheeks became damp with tears. It wasn’t long until my boys where hugging me in the foyer that night. We couldn’t sleep all night.
“I’m so sorry Deb, I couldn’t take away the pain, I did the best that I could!”
Since her cancer diagnosis I’ve made extraordinary efforts to be with her at all those medical appointments, diagnostics and treatments. Most importantly was to be by her side in the decisions pertaining to her battle for life. A warn hand to grasp, a partner in prayer, and a shoulder to weep on when things didn’t go our way.
The last eighteen months was taking a toll on my own health and I had to make the decision to go on medical leave earlier that month. I couldn’t focus on my Nurse’s night shift duties anyway with the anxiety and worry that in any moment she would need my help.
For well over these twenty years we were happy together as roommates, going beyond just friends but as family. She is always full of wisdom. We talked often on preparing for the inevitable. Updated our wills, talked about spiritual things, and advise on how I should handle things on my own from here on in.
Philippians 3:20-21
But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself.
Philippians 1:21-23
For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better.
By late October, days before Cancer claimed her life, she was feeling optimistic. Looking forward to a new glorified and incorruptible body she was ready and then her concern turned to me as we held hands.
John 11:25-26
Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?”
“I want to believe! But why does this have to hurt so much?”
Deb understood that I had a history with deep depression and knew without a doubt as I will struggle with those same demons that now find a new weakness in my armor. Deb cautions me to use the tools and call a friend, and the doctor. Deb would say, “He knows Keran, he knows. I will wait for you and we’ll be together again.” ❤️
Having experienced the sudden loss of my father many years ago, and long conversations with Deb, I was still unprepared to deal with the intensity of the loss. It is hard to endure the painful void that is in my heart.
Goodbye Deb, until we see one another again.
I bet those mountains in heaven are beautiful more you imagined them to be.
And thank you for stopping by friends.
My pictures were shot with an ancient fossilizing Samsung SM-A530W. A new one will coming soon.
