Goodday Buzy Beez!!
I hope you all had a great new year!. No Don't worry, I wont ruin it like my grim lack of Christmas post. After a rough and a lot of emotions to process in December, because everyone forgot about me in person, it hit me hard but after letting it out, I didn't want to sit in it anymore, I didn't want to join the mainstream trend and forget about myself too. New Year, it was time to welcome new juju. So I made myself a fucking STAR . Shine as bright as I can for myself, be my own holiday hero when it seamed like the Grinch tried to take all my cheer. Celebrate myself, save my own Christmas. Shine bright like a diamond (Ri-Ri).
Taken by my friend with my Nikon Z-6
The first photo is a cell phone selfie taken with iphone 10. Mostly be the theme, close ups are cellphone, others with more background are with the Nikon.
I made a friend date with one of my old work colleague/friend and her young daughter and the 3 of us reached for the stars in style to start the first day of 2024. Been a while since we had a chance to catch up and we live in different cities. We went for the brightest, cheeriest, most magical and heart, eye and mind lightening place Edmonton currently had to offer, the land of Christmas/holiday themed selfie-indulgent place possible. Edmonton Glow. I'll share about the experience more in a travel/exhibit related later, I just didn't want to fill it with selfies but it is the land of SELFIE-INDULGENCE.
I admire her strength, much like me, she's been thru some pretty bitter ups and downs to deal with in life, especially career wise because we went thru some of the same thing together and always did what she had to do to come thru for herself as did me. Being a single mom and having dedicated the last decade somehow doing it all, juggling between career and parenting and building the apple of her eye a beautiful life. No matter what, much like me, fought strong to not let the world and circumstances darken her heart.
The last few months, she's hit a few big milestones for herself and her daughter that she has worked hard for but it was a lot of last minute stress to make it all happen in time. Being a woman, we often put ourselves last and I knew putting the cherry on her sundae of an epic December and smiles are contagious, I wanted to give her a visible memory of it with a mother-daughter Christmas themed photoshoot to immortalize her glory and she returned the favor learning how to work my big camera, she took some really nice photos of me too. Obviously I wont post her family photos just those of me for privacy.
The 3 of us glammed TF up, got our fancy lightbulb punch-like juice and went to town on selfie and fun photo-shoot of each other and had a blast of it, it was the last day of the expo and we almost had the place to ourselves to be as reasonably selfish with hogging vacant photo areas for an extended period of time and we really took advantage of that. Funny enough, this years themed seemed to be about stars, seemed fitting.
Just what I needed to lift my spirits, catch love in action in a place full of lights and stars. I left the dark and gloomy December spirits on the floor to be swept up like yesterday's dust where it belonged and reached for the stars, made myself my own star amongst the stars for January 1st, literally! I'm not a cellphone person and just been using a smart phone for the last few years because it became cheaper than a landline but my selfie skills really sucked...Big time! I always tried but lost patience with it, it spooks me. Haha. The quiet place was perhaps the perfect time to try and try until I was satisfied. Until I felt pretty.
With my big camera, well I just can't take photos of myself with it. As a kid, there wasn't too many pictures taken of me. Being an amateur photographer, the photos I took of others always look so great but seemed like I was having a hard time to feel the same in return when others took some of me. Doesn't necessarily mean that nobody took nice ones but I just didn't really feel pretty in most of them for some reason. Also photography IS a skill contrary to popular beliefs.
I Look so much like my Auntie when she was younger from this angle. I have a funny face like that, depending on how I wear my hair/color or face angle, I can literally look like single every member of my mother's side of my family, including cousins...somehow. My gramps had strong genetics I guess.
I think I'm getting the hang of this cellphone selfie skill, can almost do it with my eyes closed!One of my biggest complexes as a kid was my lips, always thought they were too big, nowa days so many inject to get the same, I have learned to live with it and appreciate it as a natural gift.
Part of me is also shy about a lot of things, I don't let it stop me in life but when it comes to self appreciation, I'm as guilty as the next in falling short but I have been trying hard to redeem myself for sometimes forgetting myself in the course of life's mundane. I think a lot of us humans, especially women are super guilty of that. We don't celebrate ourselves, our natural outer beauty, our inner beauty or our strength enough. The gift God gave us, our star-selves. The one thing you can never loose unless you choose to.
Growing up, I always had the typical feeling "unpretty", I have always known I wasn't but doesn't mean I didn't always feel that way on the inside just the same for some reason or another. Last New-Year, I celebrated with my BFF since my teenage years yes I have a good number of "soul sistas" over the years as I transitioned into many forms and adapted to what life gave me but we all live splattered all over Canada and it's a big country, visiting each other consistently is well, impossible along with costly especially with families and jobs.
TLC-Unpretty, every woman who grew up in the 90's, but I think any girl can relate at some point. I forgot how much I still love this song.
She said something that struck me as odd since we were the fashionistas of our hometown for all of our years there. I went to greet her at the mall in one of my regular old but classic goodies out of my closet since I prefer to spend a little more on good quality garments that last longer that I can cycle rather than constantly changing the entire wardrobe regularly with short lasting styles or fabrics. She said, OMG, you look so nice! You never dress like that!" I was like what?? What do you mean haha. how could she think that?
Then I clued in, most of my photos are hiking pics so I'm always dressed for the woods and wearing funny hats along with mostly just having rolled out of bed, cleaned up and threw clothes on, a strategy I also employ for work too. Although confident enough about my rugged mountain explorer look, mostly because I don't care, the landscape takes the attention away from me anyway so most of me doesn't even worry about it. Besides, I like weird hats and hiking, looking glam really doesn't go in the same sentence. It's one of those, pick one or the other but you can't have your cake and eat it too, that's for sure.
Then I was hearing comments, why haven't you changed your fb profile picture in like 3 years when you take all these super nice photos of everything else from multiple people, relatives, friends , coworkers like it was a trend. Perhaps they were right, too busy on the other side of the lens, having high photography standards along with general people don't know how to take proper portraits unless one is a photographer. I took some time to process that, it kinda also fell into my weird "unpretty" complex. Covid was hard on my body and it did a number to my skin and hair, obviously still recovery in progress but it didn't help. Turning 40, I think most of us women go thru a thing of where have our youth gone?
People from work saw me outside at union functions and during my committee work wearing dresses and seemed all surprised that I can "clean up" (I do refinery mechanical services for a living), but some of them are on my fb? How do they not know what I look like? What? Did they think I wear my best fireproof hoodie around town on a Saturday night or social functions? I'm still a woman! LMFAO...AWE men. I think part of it is I work with a bunch of them and perhaps not the best of ideas for all of them to know what I actually look like in order to avoid unwanted harassments because there are no secrets on the jobsites, so many be creeping female worker's profile even if not friends on any social media. Then it dawned on me.
Why keep my real self hidden for others for one reason or another. I already spent 40 years doing it obviously. Doing my best to live freely in life but we all have some attachments here and there nonetheless. Always displaying the beauty of other things I find beautiful in the world but hardly ever myself. Why not? Of course also too cheap to pay for a professional photography session because I think it's a frivolous un-necessary expense towards myself.
Perhaps it was a good time to stop avoiding my selfie inadequacies and learn fast. Perhaps I could be my own hero and somehow capture my own light and actually feel pretty and fully satisfied with photos of myself like I would be of those I take of others or landscape and wildlife themed that I like to share on social media. Both the photographer and the washed up 40 yr old model! To be fair, I'm a bit clumsy and in the mountains, I'm afraid of dropping my phone in a ravine or canyon so I just don't bother taking it out since my big camera has a strap I can wear around my neck and takes better photos anyway.
After I woke up from a month covid/pneumonia, all of this hit me even harder, hard enough for me to actually start thinking about it. I felt like death, I looked like death and I had just nearly escaped it. With a new chance, I wouldn't necessarily regain my youth and the lost years on photos of myself but there was no time like the present to start. I will never be this young again much like I look back wishing I had more "nice" photogenic photos of myself from early adulthood until now. I realized, one day, I will get older and wrinkly-er and wish I had taken more now...what I will then consider my youth. I have been trying hard to do better at that over the last few years, especially this year. Try to be less camera shy for myself. So I can have the same type of glam images I give others. May have taken me a while to figure that out but better late then never. This was the point of today. Mark my 40'th year around the sun like a star in the night.
Back to my friend, before she showed up, she was struggling to get kiddo out the door and they were running late, I patiently waited because well, kids. While I was waiting, she sent me a text, "please tell my girl she looks pretty". I felt that, now I knew why they were late. I think every woman has felt that at some point in their life as a young girl or as a woman. It broke my heart. I knew that feeling and I think that little girl is soooo gorgeous with the biggest smile when she wants to show it, she gets that from her moma. I wanted to show her how pretty she really was. Why tell her when I can immortalize it for her, this was the best place to do so. I think all 3 of us needed that.
I didn't spend anything on myself for my birthday or Christmas, since I got fired in the fall, self indulgences are probably not the best of ideas for the time being so I don't overspend my savings, perhaps this was the day to responsibly splurge a little and with company, this could turn into a pretty fantastic day or treat for myself. $20 cab fare, $25 my entry fee, $6 weird lightbulb drink, $40 for 3 sammiches to fill our hungry bellies to end the evening (I spent $90 CAD total on the day). Good company, lots of laughs and big natural smiles full of stars in our eyes and our spirits immortalized with our shared effort, feeling as glamorous as one can be...PRICELESS.
Probably the best birthday, Christmas and New Year gift smooched into one. I got to show 2 lovely ladies their shine and star-selves, along with my own... I may have failed the creepy 3 musketeers mission of childhood but we were like 3 shooting stars in this story. We spent like 4 hours there just being our silly selves with all the selfie background.
Rihanna- Diamonds. I love this song since the first time I ever heard it. I love singing along to it when I'm by myself since my singing sounds like 1000 cats getting mowed. Somehow my cat likes it tho...perhaps he sees me as skillful at scaring his cat-enemies.
I think the original intent was to give her a special gift as a cherry on the sundae of her new chapter in life, because much like me, she probably doesn't spend enough time celebrating herself, too busy with the mundane of life's responsibilities, we tend to forget how to just let loose and live the glory along with other ridiculous self-conscious issues everyone of us women struggles with. She spends so much time reminder her precious daughter her shine, who's reminding her of hers? I wanted to give her the best priceless gift a mother could ever ask for. Immortalizing the love between her and her child, the one she would give it all up for. The one she works so hard for. Kids grow up fast, next thing you know life goes on and memories fade away. This was one they can keep forever both in their hearts and visually. If that couldn't recharge my broken spirits, nothing could. Meanwhile, I reminded myself of my own shine, my star-self.
In case you are still here, you are probably sick of my face by now, well I know I am but I was pretty pleased on how my first "self-glamor photoshoot" went quite well, proof that even with a cellphone, one can get some pretty badass results with patience with various backgrounds, my $90 spent with 2 wonderful souls was a success without being expensive, I gave myself the glamor shots I don't think I'm worth the money for. It was a worthy compromise with myself. My 40'th birthday gift to myself and I did feel like a star for the rest of the day. Mission accomplished.
A peaceful start to a new year to help welcome the Spirit of Peace as the theme of 2024. Hoping someday we can all learn to live together and share a planet and land cohesively across the world. It starts within ourselves. By reminding ourselves of our own shine in this dull grey world. Like stars in the night. Illuminating the darkness. May this be the year we learn to uplift another's spirits to uplift own rather than tear each other out in jealousy or whatever other ridiculous reason. Maybe this is the year we value kindness.
How do you remind yourself of your shine when life tries to dull your shine? When you feel "unpretty"? feel free to share in the comments...Don't be afraid to GLOW
Happy New Year everyone and thank you greatly for all your past and future support as always.
Peace out! xox