You know, people say forgiveness sets you free. That holding onto grudges is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It’s the kind of advice that looks beautiful stitched on a pillow, but feels completely wrong when you’re the one choking back tears over something that cut you deep.
I’ve learned that forgiveness isn’t always this instant halo you wear. It’s layered. And sometimes it’s not even possible, at least, not right away. There are hurts that sit in your chest like a stone, and the idea of just letting them go feels like telling the person, “Hey, it’s fine, I’ll carry the bruise while you walk away without a scratch.”
But maybe that’s the misunderstanding, we think forgiveness is about the other person. About excusing them. About erasing what happened. I don’t think that’s true. If anything, real forgiveness is about saying, “You no longer have the power to define how I feel when I wake up in the morning.” And that doesn’t happen by magic, and it definitely doesn’t happen because someone “deserves” it. Deserve has nothing to do with it. Sometimes, we forgive simply because we deserve to move forward, not because they deserve to be let off the hook.
I got to learn this by experiencing it myself. Just a few months ago, I was betrayed and deeply cut by someone I'd never have thought could do that to me. He apologized. And deep down, I really, really genuinely wanted to forgive him. I wanted to move past it and just have a normal life. You see, I really wanted to forgive him not because I pitied him or wanted him to feel better, but for myself. This thing disturbed my peace so much, I knew I needed to let go to find peace again. Never thought that'd be so hard.
I had to download books, my Google search history was filled with "how to forgive and forget". It was truly one for the books. Eventually, I had to seek counselling, which performed wonders by the way. It taught me not to force myself to forgive. You see, telling and convincing myself that I'd forgiven him, meanwhile getting angry every time I remember or every time I see him, was not peace.
Anyway, I won’t pretend forgiveness is something we “have” to do in every single case. There are wounds that heal without that neat little bow of forgiveness. You just move on, scar and all, without ever feeling the need to give them that part of you back. And that’s okay too. Closure doesn’t have a one-size-fits-all. And sometimes, you move on a little and take three steps backward, that's okay too.
What eventually worked for me was this: I knew I deeply needed to forgive because I needed peace. In fact, this incident took my favorite song away from me. I could no longer sing it without one line of the song reminding me of some things. So, I had a conversation with him and I told him how much he hurt me. That's called closure, I guess. But even after closure, I needed something more. I needed him to see that he'll never be with me again, and that's a big loss for him. I got obsessed with showing him his loss before counselling made me realize that was toxic. Then, I deleted his number. Remove his access to me, and that single step was THE BEST decision ever.
I stopped posting for him to see. I stopped doing things I don't love just to show off to him. lol, I even ended the fake relationship I got into to get him jealous (I know, I know, totally wild). Funny thing is, circumstances brought us back together.
Now, I have his number again, and to be quite honest, I couldn't care less. I am finally free. Not entirely sure I can say I've forgiven him. I think what happened here was, I've forgiven myself for giving that kind of person a chance to have access to me. And that's the part no one often talks about. Listen, if I see this guy physically, I'd say hi to him with a smile and move on, but would I be able to do that if I was still judging myself for ever being with him?
So, there’s the whole self-love conversation, funny how the two connect. Because forgiving yourself? That’s a completely different battlefield. Nobody teaches you how to do that either. Nobody teaches you how to stop replaying all the ways you messed up, all the bad choices you made when you didn’t know better. We grow up hearing “love yourself more,” but not how. Not in a way that actually sticks.
For me, it started with very small rebellions against the voice in my head that always told me I wasn’t enough. I started noticing the things I’d say to myself that I would never say to a friend. And when I caught them “You’re so stupid,” “You’ll never get it right,” I’d force myself to replace them, even if it felt fake. Even if my voice trembled when I said, “It’s okay, we’ll do better next time.”
I started taking up space in ways that felt uncomfortable at first, ordering the dessert without feeling guilty, saying no without overexplaining, wearing something I liked even if someone else might not. Deleting the ex's number. They sound like small things, but they stack up. And little by little, they teach you to be on your own side.
Maybe that’s why forgiveness is so tangled up with self-love. Sometimes, we can’t extend grace to ourselves because we’ve never practiced it on others. And sometimes, we can’t extend it to others because we’ve never truly learned to give it to ourselves first.
So, do we always have to forgive? No. But do we always have to learn how to live in a way that frees us, whether that’s through forgiveness, boundaries, letting go, or simply loving ourselves enough not to keep re-opening the same wound? Absolutely.
Because at the end of the day, forgiveness isn’t about being noble. And self-love isn’t about spa days and face masks. They’re both about refusing to abandon yourself. About saying, “I’m still here, for me, no matter what anyone else has done or failed to do.”
Images are myself