It gets discouraging when your attempt to better yourself has met with so many obstacles. It feels as though life just pushes you down the gutter and there's no way to actually ever see the light again.
I admit that these days, I spent way too much time again on twitter and online to procrastinate from my actual life responsibilities. I have to finish my thesis but I always say to myself " let's clean this house, clean that place,etc". As of now, cleaning is a way for me to avoid responsibilities. I know, cleaning is good but in my position, it is a distraction from my actual responsibilities.
At the moment, my fears from the past have paralyzed me. I am stuck, lost and uncertain where to go forward with my life. What should I do? will people care about me leave me when I decided to pursue my dreams? though I get reassurance from my parents and my partner, I am still doubtful. All of them have been kind enough to understand my mental health. Something I did not expect from my past interactions with the past circles I had.Perhaps it pains them when I said I would rather die than to live.
To deal with this aspect of life, I am trying as much to be organized and perfect. Perfection is something unattainable and though I understand that, I still fall into that habit. When I don't meet my standard, I'll fall into the gutter. Perhaps, it is me who is self-pushing myself into the gutter through my perfection.
Strange though, writing this out has helped me pin point why I feel bad lately. I can summarize it's : spending too much time online and attempting to reach perfection. Now, I can move forward and take some actions.
~ Mac