I've had a helluva week. Some very passive aggressive behaviour from people I work with, combined with pretty much ignoring me, all mixed in with a sprinkling of hormonal imbalance due to stress, and I was done this week. I was angry, and upset, and exhausted. What does that look like in my world?

Retreat.

I don't fight - I cry, and avoid. With the kind of people I'm working with, there is little point in confrontation anyway, as they'll always win - it's just the way of things. I've always been the kind of person that's easy to bully, since I was a kid. It's easy for me to get wrapped up in a bit of self pity here because that really hurt when I was a teenager, and it changes how you relate to people and how you feel about yourself.

For me, I feel much more safe on my own. Still do. It took me a long time to realise why, and that the feeling I was looking for was 'feeling safe'. Bottom line is that I don't always feel safe to be who I am around people, and I'm always worried I'm saying or doing the wrong thing. So it's worse when I'm in a bad mood, or when I'm anxious or depressed, because I don't trust myself to not say the wrong thing. I know logically that it doesn't matter, and I can be whoever I want, but my amygdala 'thinks' differently.

This year I'm quitting my job and, as I cried to my husband yesterday, all I want to do is talk to mushrooms, chickens and plants, as weird as that sounds. As he patiently explains to me, again, it's not any flaw in who I am, it's just that I'm not good at playing the game. I lean toward authenticity, and that doesn't always work in the circles I work in. Woman can be really horrendously bitchy, and combine that with a lack of empathy for others, well, I've been working in the worst place. Being empathetic myself means I just don't get it when others can be so awful. I keep telling myself it's not me being a failure that I'm leaving this job, it's just that I'm not meant to be in this kind of environment. I probably should have left a long time ago, but you know, money and all.

When I was a teenager, I retreated to the ocean. Out there in the ocean, there was only me. Because it was more of a boy's sport back then, I didn't have to deal with girls in the water. It was easier, and even if there were people out in the water, it is a really solitary sport, mostly. I'd feel this mad sense of oneness with the waves and the cliffs, the fish and the sky, a total sense of grace, even if I couldn't articulate how I felt. It just felt good.

Later, when I married the love of my life, it took a good few years to explain to him that when I went off on my own, it wasn't about him, it was just me recharging my batteries. He's a gem, and would do anything to make me happy, and personally, he prefers company all the time. This just exhausts me - I need to have my spaaaaaacccceee, especially if I'm having a rough time. I need time to process and calm down, without any complications or having to perform for anyone, to pretend or be something I'm not. I find it super hard when I'm in a bad mood because I get so conscious of how others might be affected or how they want me to be that it sends me into a tailspin, so it's much, much better for me to disappear and come back stronger and recharged.

I'm a loner, at heart, truth be told. Much of this is due to the damage of bullying, creating these neural pathways to protect myself. I love my family and I love spending time with them, but I'm super conscious of needing time out too, just to breath.

If I don't have space to let my mood dissipate, it turns into frustration, and anger, which I tend to quash, which has the real danger of turning into anxiety and depression. I'm definitely a 'leave me alone' kinda girl - trying to cheer me up just makes me feel like I have to be grateful or respond in a particular way to save your feelings. These days I'm better at saying it: 'it's okay honey, I just need space', and thankfully, I'm given it.

And when I'm not, I steal it, with mental health days or at the very least, noise cancelling headphones!

This is in response to the Ladies of Hive QOTW: 'If you are in a bad mood, do you prefer to be left alone or have someone to cheer you up?'.