Life is indeed constant, evolving, and changing ourselves. Why do I think so? First, let me ask you, have you ever met the younger me? Since you did not, let me tell you who I was before and how I became who I am now.
Seeing my old pictures when I was younger made me realize that I've changed so much! I remember that I was so silly before that I would dance every time I would hear music in the background, how I would always make my family laugh, and worry because I am a mischievous kid.
I have straight and shiny hair that my uncle loves, and I would always present myself to look very presentable and clean to everyone. My mother would always make me look clean because she wanted people to see that I was being taken care of even though she and my father were busy with their jobs.
My family would always make me participate in a lot of competitions, such as beauty pageants and the like. I would always hear people telling me that I'm beautiful and very fair. But did it ever convince me that I was? No, because I can also hear people talking behind my back. Saying that I'm only pretty because my skin is fair, my auntie would tell me that her daughter would be prettier than me if her skin were fair like mine. And I thought about it a lot.
I lack confidence. I was happy whenever my mother would take me and my brother to swimming because I love it when my skin will darken; therefore, I would swim in the sun for so long just so I could make my skin darker. Then I would look at myself in the mirror to see if I would still look pretty. But I couldn't figure out if I was pretty. Then in just a couple of days my skin goes back to its normal color before I can have the answer I was looking for.
Do I love the sun? Why do I not use my umbrella even though it was hot outside? Because I am not afraid that the sun will make my skin darker.
When I was in high school, even though I would always embrace the sun, my skin was still fair; a lot would call me pretty, but I can still hear a lot of "gwapa kay puti man" (she's beautiful because she has fair skin) or "mas gwapa gyud ang morena kay gwapa na daan bisag dili puti" (Morenas are prettier because they're already pretty even though their skin is not fair). To sum it up for me, it means I am not truly pretty because I have fair skin.
From participating in beauty pageants and so on, I began to lose my confidence.
And I would never forget that the friend that would always tell me that I'm pretty will someday call me ugly, that I look like a horse, and I'm just pretty because of my fair skin, and that's all that I am just because she was asked to do a task and she wanted me to do it. From then on I was bullied by my friends with her taking the lead; I would keep on hearing things that I was not pretty, and they were making false stories just to make fun of me.
Thankfully, there were people that loved me for who I am and saw the beauty in me, and you know what? I am not even close with them. From then on I was distant to my feelings; my friends would always ask me, why do I not message them when it's summer and ghosted them?
When I started college, of course, my classmate's first impression about me was that I looked quiet and such, but in reality, I was just not very expressive about what I felt and what I was thinking, not only because I lacked confidence but also because the world changed me into that. The world changed me into a person who does not believe when I'm called pretty, and the world shaped me to believe that friends are the biggest haters hiding in the masks they always show.
But thankfully I found a place that I believe I can be who I am, that they will not judge me, would call me pretty, and would tell me that I am weird or that I'm pretty but I am this or that. It did not hurt me at all; I feel like my feelings were safe around them.
Now when I see myself in the mirror and the memories I gained with my friends, I realize I am back to the younger me, who's silly and mischievous on her own. And I never felt so happy in my life to see that I've become who I am before I started to hate myself.
I have learned to love myself and embrace what I have. I'm never afraid to show who I am anymore. I've changed. The world changed me again.
So to you, embrace your changes and growth, accept who you are because there's nothing wrong with you, and love yourself more than anything in this world because sometimes you only have yourself when life is dark. And remember, true beauty lies not in external validation but in the love and acceptance you have for yourself. XOXO