I always knew, that I wanted to be a mother. It was something, I never once doubted. Then when I was 30, I got pregnant with my eldest daughter. I was travelling in Thailand and Malaysia at the time. She was not planned, but both me and her dad were super excited to start a family together.
I loved being pregnant, I finally felt so comfortable in my skin and so feminine. I was never really very girly. I liked to climb trees and get dirty and I certainly knew how to hold my own. I sat comfortably between my feminine and masculine side in my 20's. Then when I got pregnant, I felt much more connected with my feminine side and it felt good.
I never experienced any morning sickness or discomfort whilst I was pregnant. I was super active and ate well. I also devoured any books I could find on natural birth. In May Gaskin was a huge inspiration for me. Reading her books on birth especially Spiritual Midwifery, blew my mind and cemented my plans for a home birth.
So after returning to Ireland ( having lived away from there for over 11 years). I set above finding a midwife, that could help me achieve my wish for a homebirth.
I settled in Cork with my ex, where I soon connected with some like minded folk and got the number of some community midwifes. I wanted to interview a few, but in the end only one was available.
I remember going to meet her at her home, for the first time. She seemed really nice and told me that when the time came for me to birth my baby, she would be there looking me in the eye, only intervening if necessary. Which sounded perfect to me.
Me and my Daughter.
The reality however, was very different. She was inappropriate in so many ways and she intervened way too much. At one point I locked myself in the bathroom just to get away from her and she began banging on the door, demanding I come out.
Before she came to my home both me and my ex, where so excited, because we knew that we would soon get to lay eyes on our daughter, get to hold her, get to welcome her earthside. But when she arrived, her presence changed the whole energy in the room. This was not the same woman I had met previously.
I don't know what was going on for her, but because of her behaviour and inappropriate interventions, I ended up being taken to hospital. Where I was given an episiotomy and my daughter was born using suction.
Of course I was so happy to finally get to hold my baby, but I also felt violated.
So many people, told me to be more grateful that my baby was healthy and of course I was, but I wasn't going to forget how I was treated, how my chance at experiencing an empowering birth was taken away from me. I felt such anger, alongside this colossal amount of love that I felt for my daughter. Then there was the shame I felt for being so angry.
You soon realise, how new mothers are too often, encouraged to quieten down. To pull themselves together, even. I wasn't depressed, but I also wasn't being encouraged to talk about what happen or how I felt. Cos really what did I have to complain about, my child was healthy.
But I found my voice and I did speak out.
I often talk about how my daughters have been my best teachers. How their presence has really guided me.
Because of the birth of my beautiful daughter 14 years ago I became passionate shout natural birth and birth rights about a women's right to choose where and how she gives birth. Her birth, give me so much insight and awareness.
It lit a fire in me, one that burns just as strongly today, as it did 14 years ago.
The first time I held her, I was blown away by the amount of love, I felt for her. And that love, just continues to grow and grow. I can't believe that 14 years have passed. That in just one month, she will fly to Japan with her best friends family and be away from me for a month.
For the first two years of her life, I rarely put her down. Attachment parenting, just felt right for me. And now, now she talks to me about her plans to move out in a few years. To London or maybe to Korea?
14 years, seems like a long time, but really it has flown by. I'm just so grateful that I get to witness my eldest, grow and blossom into the most amazing young woman.
