Forgiveness
I have always had mixed feelings, when it came to forgiveness. Especially when you are dealing with a situation where you have been hurt a lot by someone and they are unwilling to apologise for their behaviour. And yet, forgiveness, helps us to move forward, to heal. When we hold a grudge against someone, we carry that with us and it ends up causing us even further pain and hardship.
It's certainly not easy to forgive. It is something that I have struggled with down through the years. Forgiving others and also myself. I know that I tend to be just as hard on myself as I am on others. I have had to deal with some people hurting my children and to be honest, I don't think I could every forgive them. I do understand, that hurt people, end up hurting others. But when it comes to my kids, I am a lioness, I will roar. I don't believe in revenge, but I will not back down, when it comes to protecting them and their well being.
So yeah it really depends on what has happened, who it has happened to and why. They all influence my ability to forgive. In saying that, I was able to forgive the person, who hurt me the most in my life and it was one of the most liberating things I have ever done.
When my father was dying, I flew home to visit him. At the time of flying, I was not aware that he was dying, I just knew he was quite unwell. I have not had a good relationship with my father, he was a very troubled man and he just never knew how to be a father to me or my sisters. He was a bitter man, who could not hide his pain, he wore it everywhere he went and I have very little memories of him being happy.
When I returned to Ireland to visit him, I wanted to have a conversation with him, to ask him some tough questions, in the hope of maybe getting some closure and also to try and understand him better. I wanted answers. But when I saw him, a man that always seemed larger than life to me, now so fragile looking in his bed, that conversation went out of the window. Instead I told him how happy I was, how amazing his grand daughters were and how I forgave him for the years of abuse I suffered at his hands, when I was a very small child.
How in fact his treatment of me, shown me what the world was like. I told him that I loved him and not long after, he passed away, as I was stroking his hand and face, with tears in my eyes. It was in those final moments of his life, that I felt the most connected to him, as we both cried and looked at one another lovingly. In choosing to forgive him, I had liberated myself and him and I felt a weight lift off of me, because I no longer carried any anger or resentment towards him.
All I felt was peace and I would like to think he did too.
( Both of the pictures used in this post are mine.)
