Yesterday whilst I was at work, I got a message from a friend of mine, asking if I would be willing to come and share my breastfeeding journeys, with the current midwifery Students at Da La Luz, the alternative Midwifery school in the valley here. I have attended different things there in the past, as well as held workshops and I have always enjoyed it. Birth, is something I am very passionate about, women having the Freedom and support to birth, how and where they wish. It was very last minute, as one person had dropped out. so they needed someone to replace her.
I had seen the call out a few weeks back, but as I work Friday Mornings, into the afternoon I didn't think I could make it. But as I listened to the message, I immediately felt the desire to go and share my stories. I am a huge advocate of breastfeeding, I mean it's the reason us women have breasts in the first place. I do however understand that it is very difficult for some, I too have experienced difficulties, but I am nothing if not stubborn and I was adamant that I would breastfed my three girls, so I endured the pain and well it paid off.
When I returned home, I told my girls about my plans and straight away my eldest daughter, came to me with a question. How would I feel if a woman didn't want to breastfed, because she didn't want to 'mess up her boobs'. I have heard this before, I remember after I had my eldest daughter, I was listening to the radio, where woman were phoning in and talking about breastfeeding, about the shame around it especially in public spaces and one women phoned in and said, how she would never breastfed, as her boobs were for her partner's enjoyment and she did not want to destroy them by breastfeeding, when she became a mother.
My first reaction was to be angry. Angry that a woman would feel like that, that breastfeeding was in fact something disgusting ( which was how she described it) and that it would ruin her breasts. Then I felt really sad. Breastfeeding is the most natural thing in the world and it is the best thing for our babies and yet some women are disgusted by it. More concerned about how they look, than doing what is best for their baby. It's attitudes like that, that are damaging in my eyes. For babies to have the best start in life, they need to be breastfed, for their physical, emotional and spiritual wellbeing.
When I began to share my stories with the students, I became emotional. In order to tell my story, I had to start with the birth of each one, as that has a huge affect on both the mother's ability to breastfed and the babies as well. I had quite a traumatic first birth and as a result, I found breastfeeding very difficult at first. The pain was more intense than the birth itself. I had someone from Le leche League come to visit me in order to help, but everything seemed fine for me and my baby, on the outside that is. But the reality was, I was hurting on the inside.
I had not come to terms with the birth, with the immense suffering I experienced, whilst my baby was born via suction. I had wanted a homebirth, but instead my midwife transferred me to the hospital, even though, both her and my ex could see my babies head. I had a terrible midwife, but that's another story. As I was so advanced, I was offered no pain relief and whilst I was positioned in a way that made it easier for the obstetrician, I found myself trying my hardest to push my baby out, uphill. I felt myself split in two and really thought I was going to die. On top of that, they performed an episiotomy without my consent.
I was so elated to meet my daughter, to lay eyes on her for the first time, but underneath it all, I was hurting, a lot. I was holding so much in, unable to relax, so no wonder I had problems breastfeeding. But it wasn't until I shared my story with another midwife and she told me how I had in fact been violated in the hospital, that I realised the true impact it had on me and my ability to breastfeed. After speaking with her, I felt a huge amount of relief and after that breastfeeding no longer hurt.
Yesterday, as I sat in a circle with these women sharing my story, I realised how needed it is, for us women to come together and tell our stories, To be seen and heard, to be supported. When I finished, they all expressed their gratitude. Amongst the was a midwife, who had been teaching their latest module and she told me how she had written a book about, how our emotional state affects breastfeeding, which was exactly the message I wanted to share. She promised to forward me the book, once she returned home to the U.K. What a wonderful gift, I will be receiving. With all the grief in the world right now, it felt good, to be sharing empowering stories with some wonderful women.
Here's to us remembering how powerful we are and to coming together and sharing our stories in the hope that no one has to suffer in silence.
