“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you were?” — Satchel Paige
Every time I ask myself this popular question, my mind gives me a number that sits on the higher side, something more adult than I actually am. Yet I never really thought about it deeply or tried to explain it to anyone. At least, not until now.
Growing up, I often heard people say they felt older than their ages. I felt the same way too, but I never understood how deeply they meant it. Now, as a young woman in her mid-twenties, I realize how much emotion goes into that statement. For many of us, our age does not always match how we feel on the inside. Some days we feel free, excited, and curious for the little things. Other days, we feel lost and burdened, which is something adulthood introduces us to very early.
As a teenager, people always said I acted mature for my age. Maybe it was because I could comport myself in public, say the right things when needed, and complete tasks without being forced. In boarding school, my roommates and seniors thought the same. I rarely cried when my family missed visiting days. I did my laundry and ironed my uniforms every weekend, and It my preference to do them myself. I wasn't impressed or shaken by things that usually excited or frightened people my age.
I was also opinionated, even though my introverted nature came first. I made firm decisions, and this made some people call me difficult, especially older men who preferred younger girls to be fearful and easy to manipulate. In the university, I was still the mature one, even though I was younger than my closest friends. I often made breakfast for all three of us and did the dishes before our morning class. They called me “mom” for a reason. And whenever there was a disagreement, I was the one who kept secrets instead of spilling them in anger.
All of these followed me into adulthood and I believe these traits are part of the reasons I often feel older than my age. I mean, I always found my mates doing the opposite. In all of these, though, two things stand out the most.
First, the intense desire to be financially independent.
Second, the urge to comfort everyone else, despite my own grief.
Since my teenage years, I have always looked for what my hands could do. That led me to learning about cryptocurrencies and blogging in 2020. Eventually, I started freelancing as a well-rounded virtual assistant in 2023, while still in school. I disliked asking for help, and somehow, I always found a way to take care of myself. When my friends struggled in the university, they called me because they trusted that I would offer the best support. I often comforted my loved ones without being asked, and I did this in the face of my own grief.
Looking back, I realize I never really had the chance to simply be. To confidently rely on others for financial or emotional support, to feel my age, especially in my teenage years. I stepped into adulthood too quickly. Some of it came from trauma, but those experiences shaped me and prepared me for the life I have now.
I turned a new age this November, and for the first time, I feel like my age. Not older. Not younger. Just my age. And it is one of the most beautiful feelings I've had in a long time. My gut health is better. My body feels stronger, healthier and sexier. My thoughts and actions are more grounded. The loveliest part? I feel wiser in a way that goes beyond what people used to say.
So maybe age is not only a number. Maybe it is also a reflection of where we are in life, how we feel, and how our bodies respond to the situations around us.
This blog post is a response to the Ladies of Hive weekly prompt:
"Do you feel older or younger for your age?"
All photos featured in this post are mine. When they're not, I make sure to credit the source.
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