Introducing Myself

I'm a midwestern girl. Of my family, believe it or not I'm the sweeter, slightly more innocent one...at least at heart. Kids tamed her wild streak, and a loveless marriage roused mine up a bit...but all things are attracted ceaselessly to baseline, no? Well my sister (Hive account@barbie.mama) is new here, and she got me to join a few days after her. She gave me a heads up that she posted about our phone call the other day.

At least I was warned.

Honestly, I guess I'm glad she did that.

If she'd asked first I'd have told her not to, and then I would have come here and pretended to be somebody I'm not...somebody new, somebody that I want to be; the person I am going to be, pretending I can be that person by omitting the person I was...but it doesn't work that way. I suppose it may have been no accident that in this way, she pushed me to make an honest start here. Thanks, sis.

I’m sitting in my car right now, making one of the biggest changes in my life - especially if you only count the change that I’ve had to go through alone…this probably takes the cake there, but the whole thing’s been crazy - my life, that is - at least for a couple years now.

I'm the kind of person who likes to live in the present moment. I haven't always been; I've spent years of my life either depressed about the past or anxious about the future. Eventually I found peace in the present moment, and have managed to become quite flexible as a result. Also as a result, I don't want to use my space here to dwell on the past and focus on my husband (soon to be ex). But I have to give a little background, so I expect this will be the only time I speak of him here.

Married Life

My husband and I got married because I was pregnant. We knee-jerked. I was scared and didn't want to do it alone. My sister had gone through a rough situation on her own not too far prior which had left her raising two kids on her own (ages 6 and 2 at the time)...when he guiltily proposed, I practically leapt up altar steps.

I wound up miscarrying in the first trimester, before I even showed. I was devastated, but he was relieved. I felt broken, and he took advantage of my low self-esteem, convincing me to make an OF account. Initially he just had me sit and use the computer with the webcam on. I would watch youtube videos or read books, and would flash the camera for tips periodically...but the stream gained steam and I picked up a lot of followers. There was a time where it was fun. I began craving more followers. My husband was always in the background, encouraging me to take things further - he said it turned him on to see it, and for a while it felt like maybe it was helping build our relationship, like we were bonding over it. God, how stupid I sound...and the worst part is knowing how stupid it sounds. -but it is how it all happened.

Well, I became addicted to growing my fan base and pulling in more and more money while my husband grew increasingly interested in spending the money I was making - all while appearing to get bored with me. I began opening up to more and more intense requests, to the point where we were having strangers in our room - it got bad, I will leave it at that...

I called my sister on her lunch break a few days ago, and she finally told me what I knew all along needed to happen. It was time for me to put that life behind me. I haven't filed for divorce yet, but I am done on camera. I've closed and deleted that account, and I am not going back.

So I'm in my car now, pulled over in the Culver's parking lot a few blocks down from our apartment. I've called and texted a few friends, I'm sure one of them will let me couch surf. My sister already offered, but I'll only take her up on that if things get desperate. Moving in with her and two kids would be hard on both of us, and I don't want to strain our relationship at this time when I need her most. I know she'll be strongest to support me emotionally if she's not also supporting me with room and board. I have no idea where I'll end up tonight, but I know it will be ok, even if I just stay in the car. I'll file the paperwork once I can get a real job, but there's no property between us except the OF money, and I honestly don't care about that if it means getting to start over.

...wow...

All that, and I've told you almost nothing about who I am lol

A Little Bit About Me

I am a mid 80's girl, born and raised in the midwest...the middle seems to be my spot 😅

Gratuitous List of "Favs"

Favorite Movies: Wayne's World, Big Lebowski, Big Trouble in Little China

Favorite games: Zelda (original, Ocarina of Time and Breath of the Wild are my favorites), Final Fantasy VII, 1080 Snowboarding, Elder Scrolls, and the original GTA...coupla rando's in there, but - what can I say, they were good!

Favorite Albums: August and Everything After (Counting Crows), Led Zeppelin III, Veteran (Gwydion), Pieces of You (Jewel), Something Else By (the Kinks), The Eldritch Dark (Blood Ceremony), Thick as a Brick (Jethro Tull)...and obviously so much more, that's a tough one to narrow down 🫦

Favorite Color: I dunno...yellow? Maybe green? Could also be blue though, if it's the right shade...honestly, now that I'm thinking about it sometimes I really like red also hahaha

Right now I've been swinging back through to my old favorite, Blood Ceremony - and my favorite two songs from them are:

1. Witchwood

1. Ballad of the Weird Sisters

...I love this album, it's witchy and dark and it's fun ;)

Why Hive account@badgirl.barbie?

I chose to be Hive account@badgirl.barbie for a couple reasons. Growing up, my sister and I were always called the Barbie twins - even though we're not twins. She's blonde and I'm a light brunette, and we're a few years apart. But she chose to bring the Barbie name along with her, and I decided not to leave her hanging.

I chose badgirl as kind of a joke and kind of an homage to where I've been - but mostly it's funny between us because Hive account@barbie.mama was always the real baddie. I like my witchy rock music and video games, but I was never the badgirl type, outside of my entertainment choices. My time on OF may have opened a few doors for me, but if I'm being honest, it also closed a few...some things will just never be fun for me again.

Interests (What I Plan to Talk About Here)

Going forward (once I find a couch to sleep on), I honestly don't know what I will do here. I am curious if I will be able to hang with the longer style content that seems to be more popular here, but so far it's been fun to just sort of ramble out my thoughts on this one, so maybe it ends up working out.

If it does, I'm interested in semi-vintage video games (I kind of hate calling my favs "vintage" 🥲), health and wellness, DIY projects, Fitness, and Paganism/Chaos Magick...so these are likely to be the sorts of things I'll end up talking about.

In any case, I'm thinking I've gone on enough for the time being. Hopefully I haven't alienated myself with any of this, but then again I guess it would be better to lose potential followers for being myself, than to gain them by acting like someone else.

Thank you for reading, and I hope to see you around!