Life is very unpredictable. As I sit here with my laptop for about two hours and I am unable to find what to write about but suddenly, some memories flash out of nowhere and I have something to share. I am emotional, as those memories caught me off guard. I am not prepared but I got the floor to write, so I am continuing to share.
It is about two months now I am trying to not be afraid of a decision I made. I am going to be away from my family and most importantly, I will be away from the girl I have exchanged vows with in my dreams. It is not real. She is real but anything about us is still unreal. While I am still dealing with all of that I have taken a decision of being away from her, which is killing me inside.
I am the person who made that decision. It was me but thinking of not being there for her when she needs me makes me go crazy. My head feels dizzy and I lose my breath. I do not feel that way towards my family. I am going to miss them but I know I can count on them. Also, I am doing this for myself and them.
Uneasiness occupies my mind when I think about her. Why is it that not being beside her bothers me so much more than not being beside my own family? My family with whom I have been since birth but her, it has only been 5 years. 5 years is a long time but is it longer enough to consider someone more than family or part of family? I am not sure when my mind is in wild thoughts but she is an important part of me.
The memories that I have collected being with her will always stay clung to me but will I be able to relive them whenever I want even when I am far from her. It is a question that breaks me. I separate my posts from my daily life encounters but today I failed to do so as I chose to write on this to make myself feel lighter.
I feel heavy, every time I ponder on the question of leaving or not. After 5 years of knowing each other, we still think it is not enough. We still yearn to learn more about each other. And, the moments are not enough. Every moment that we have collected since the very start has always stayed with me. I could always go back to them and cherish them. I hope to do it even more now.
Today I can leak a small secret of mine. I started to get back in hive again and this is for myself. I know the path that I have chosen will not be smooth and I will need to fill in the uneasiness. Hive has been with me since that time in life when I wanted to learn writing. Slowly and steadily I have walked into Hive. This was not an easy decision either.
Unfortunately, this hurts more than Hive. This, losing moments of being together. The many possibilities to be together whenever the heart desires. I guess long-distant relationships are painful because of the agony of separation. Every path we choose we lose something or another. This time it tears me apart to let go of moments.
Yet, I am hopeful. I try to make myself be at ease. I have to fathom my sacrifices for a better life. Is it too much, it is a question I don't know the answer. We will suffer but maybe it will make us grow, together. Even if that is a lie, that is my truth for now. My only strength in moving forward.
Moments are not for eternity but moments are many. Each moment counts.