Hi Roxanne!
It's me. A much more older version of you. Don't worry, I won't bite. I just want to talk.
Roxanne, I don't know what thoughts you have been having at the moment. You're maybe confused, because why would an adult like me be interested in what you think when everyone around you is already telling you what you should be.
I'm here to tell you, that whether or not you meet other people's expectations, you are going to do great things-- amazing things, wonderful things-- and you are going to be surrounded by so many amazing people who teach you how to love, how to live, and do it in a way so gracefully, more graceful than the "friends" who cluttered your desk on purpose. Just so you know, I still remember that. You cried when they did that.
You cried when you wanted to sit next to them but they didn't let you. You cried at every little hurtful remark they made about your drawings, and your notebooks, and your hobbies, and the snacks you bring to school. I guess that's why you look to the library and be surrounded by books and encyclopedias for solace.
But you need to understand that there's a great big world out there, Roxanne...
Greater than the things you learned on Sunday school. I know it feels so good to belong to be accepted. Believe me, you'll reach the age of 25 and you will still struggle with that, but it doesn't matter, because you will also be surrounded by love. So much love. And it doesn't necessarily have to come from a romantic place.
Don't skimp on memorizing those Bible verses though. You won't see it now, but you're going to be coming back to them again and again when you reach my age. It will be one of the things you'll hold on to when life doesn't make sense anymore, that the only thing that will make sense the most is to shut yourself off from the world-- even completely. Don't do that. It might have been working on your end until now, and there still will be times that you will be compelled to do that, but every time you do, you'll also soon have to relearn trusting people again and again.
Don't grow up too fast. Be in the moment. Run, play, get muddy and sweaty even if you're scared the others won't play with you, because you are going to miss that.
Love your grandma, mama, papa, and teachers, no matter how mean they seem. They only do that because they love you so much. Don't get disheartened when papa doesn't allow you to do some things. He is just protective of you. That's how he loves. Hug your mama everyday. She won't say it but she loves it when you hug her. Eat your grandma's mango float haha, especially while your metabolism can still accomodate it. You're going to miss that as well. Take care of your two little brothers, even when they're mean, even when they're stubborn. The meanness and stubbornness will never go away, even at my age, but know that they love you in their own way. They just don't know to how to express it.
Know that it's okay to cry. It has always been okay to cry. I know grandma and papa told you otherwise, in fact, I know they would say that you're just overreacting or being a child, and I know they have said and done a lot of un-nice things to stop you from crying, but it's better to cry than to hurt other people just because you're hurt.
If you can, whenever you feel like crying, cry standing up, not hiding in the corner and with your arms covering your face. Tears are the badge of honor of your soul.
I know for sure by now, you are still working hard to earn another medal to add to your collection and put a smile on papa and mama's face. You are probably working on memorizing the entire multiplication table or the declamation piece they asked you to for an event to get that, don't you? If you are then Good job! But you will do a good job either way even if you stumble quite a few times.
Your wins in the future might not look like how it looks like today: with medals, certificates, and lots of celebratory food after-- and that's okay.
It may not seem like it right now, in fact, it will still won't seem that way in the next 17 years. But I know you'll learn. More than anything else, more than all the tangible academic achievements you earned, you are a learner. You adapt. You don't just survive, you thrive, and you do it out of love.
Love,
25-year old braver, stronger and evermore present Roxanne
Roxanne Marie is the twenty-year-old something who calls herself the Protean Creator.
She is a chemical engineer by profession, pole-dancer and blogger by passion and frustration, and lastly, a life enthusiast. She is on a mission to rediscover her truth through the messy iterative process of learning, relearning and unlearning. Currently, she works as a science and research instructor in her hometown, Tagbilaran City, all the while documenting her misadventures, reflections and shenanigans as a working-class millennial here on Hive.
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