I didn’t have a lot of friends growing up. I’m only just starting to get comfortable enough to make and retain relationships, now that I’m “grown up.”
Having a strict dad who wouldn’t let friends visit when I was in primary school probably didn’t help. I’m not sure why, but I think he was protecting us because of his own experiences with relationships and trying to shield us from the messiness of human relationships.
My dad has always been the type who wants everyone home and accounted for by 6 PM. It took a while of tears and arguments after many denied visits, but I adjusted. I became a homebody, preferring to not visit, and not be visited. This wasn’t a surprising development considering I was trying to avoid any form of scolding.
But now, I find myself wondering if that was a blessing in disguise, or if I unknowingly learned to shut myself off from the world?
I had my first close friendship in junior secondary school. She was also my seatmate. On my 12th birthday, She gave me the very first gift from someone outside my family.
She somehow managed to surprise me, despite sitting right beside me every day. It was a really thoughtful gift that came in a paper bag she made from a pink cardboard sheet, decorated using a marker that she used to write a bold ‘Happy Birthday’ with drawings of balloons and a cake. Inside the bag, there was a box of orange juice, some snacks, a plastic flower, and a well-designed birthday card (she bought this from a vendor outside school).
Her thoughtfulness moved me to tears.
After savoring the snacks, I kept the rest of the contents of the bag for as long as I could. But I knew I had to do something for her in return, with her birthday approaching.
September came quicker than I expected. I sadly accepted the fact that I couldn’t afford to give her half of what she afforded to gift me during my birthday. But I did what I could.
My mom gave me some money, which I used to buy a cardboard sheet and a pack of pencil markers. I spent hours crafting a ‘Happy Birthday’ card with as much creativity as I could manage. Then on my way to school, I added two of her favorite biscuits to accompany the card.
She smiled and thanked me when I gave it to her, but I could see the hidden disappointment in her eyes. Maybe she had expected something more. Something different. I felt bad that I couldn’t afford to do more.
Over time, we drifted apart. We entered different senior classes, so we stopped being seatmates. Eventually, all that remained between us were passing ‘how are you‘s’.
Many years have passed now, and I can’t help but admit that I miss my friend.
I’m writing this because my mom made an offhand comment that has led to this reflection, even though I laughed it off at first.
She said, “You’d rather stay indoors than go out visiting or hanging out with people.”
She wasn’t wrong. I don’t have many friends back home, so I mostly hang out with my phone and laptop, or watching tv.
However at school, I do my fair share of hanging out, but even then, not as much as you would think. Although my mom isn’t there to confirm this. 😆
But yeah! I have a close circle of friends, friendships that I have fearfully and courageously nurtured over the years. That’s enough for me. And I do go out visiting and hanging out with people.
However, the irony of her statement isn’t lost on me. The same upbringing that made me this way is what my parents are now trying to reduce the effects by subtly nudging me to socialize more.
My dad is not so strict, anymore. In fact, he even laughed off my mom’s comment about socializing with me. 😆
It’s a good thing my mom made that comment, because I sadly realize that there have been far too many friendships and relationships I have let slip away. Even now, with my little circle, I know that while I aim to be a better friend, I may not be as committed as I would like to think, and would need to step up in several ways.
Putting oneself out there is scary. But maybe… just maybe living a lonely life is even scarier.
All Images used in this post are mine.