During our life we constantly have to deal with people that are not at all aligned with us. The obnoxious neighbor, the ex-partner and other parent of your child, some client that consumes more time than they're worth, and so on. And then comes that phrase that I hear equally often:
They're bringing out the worst in me!
But do they really? Or is it just a convenient excuse to offload some steam onto someone who, according to oneself, deserves it for being themselves? Not to defend them. They probably do deserve it. At least in the good old "eye-for-eye" tradition. Is it maybe an opportunity to cease to maintain the walls of false friendliness that preserve the peace? Not investing more energy into it, let it crumble and a stream of frustration offload on the other person?
Of course it is.
Last week, I had it all. I spent several hours carefully redacting letters to a neighbor that is constantly whining about noise without taking any responsibility; a client who is incredibly disorganized, didn't pay their bills with us and was complaining about us not sending him product; another client stating that our bread is not sourdough although it has a 20h sourdough fermentation because it contains <1% yeast; and of course Lily's mom, who I had to send a resume of Lily's semester report because she didn't bother to come to the meeting with the teacher.
They were all rude and condescending.
Either towards me or my team. I could've responded on their level. Could've been rude and condescending - I'm very good at that. But I didn't. Because I won't let them bring out the worst of me:
I decide which part they get.
I'm in control of that part, most of the time at least. I can decide whether they bring out the worst of me - or the best of me. I can meet their violence with my violence, or I can use their violence to do whatever I want with it. I can learn from it. I can ignore it. I can manipulate it to create a better outcome for everyone.
As long as I'm in control.
If I passively let them bring out the worst of me, I act like an animal. Fight or flight. I let them have control over me, let them manipulate me. So I decide to treat them with kindness. Not limitless, oh no. Each one of them got their fair share of limits. But I did not give into their drama. I stayed calm, cool and collected, with a touch of empathy and the general consideration that I try to apply in my every action. And it worked nicely, as it usually does. Way better than the old testament approach, I assume. Clear communication, rationality instead of emotions without denying their emotions.
It's not easy.
Especially when much is at stake - a lawsuit, business, or my child's well-being. But it gets easier with time. Because once we choose the path of "good", of being coherent with our values, each step into that direction makes the next step easier. Same goes for the other way. Once a bad deed is done, there's a lot less restraint before the next.
And again, we choose.
If we want to. If we're aware enough. If we're human enough. It's an important choice to make every day, in every action. With every move we make we can go either way. And for me, there's a lot of joy in the way of kindness. I can feel good about myself with it. I'm doing the right thing. My conscience is clean, as I'm trying my best, constantly improving.
If thou workest at that which is before thee, following right reason seriously, vigorously, calmly, without allowing anything else to distract thee, but keeping thy divine part pure, as if thou shouldst be bound to give it back immediately; if thou holdest to this, expecting nothing, fearing nothing, but satisfied with thy present activity according to nature, and with heroic truth in every word and sound which thou utterest, thou wilt live happy. And there is no man who is able to prevent this.
Marcus Aurelis, Meditations, Book 3, Chapter 12
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Other posts reflecting on Marcus Aurelius:
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