I have a buddy. I think. He's more of a friend's friend. Actually he's my friend's sponsor, helping him to stay sober and going through the steps and all that. My friend is in a high stress situation at the moment, so I encounter the buddy a little more frequent than usual, and we get along well.
Today, I was coming back from the gym, earplugs in and deep inside my own head. I was almost at my house when he tabbed on my shoulder. "Hey, I saw you walking by, but my eyesight is horrible so I wasn't sure it was you until after you passed, and I didn't want you to think that I'm an asshole." Laughing. "Oh, no worries, I already know you are!" More laughing. We talked for a bit about our friend, and about the olive bread that I had given him, which he loved and wanted more of. Then we split ways.
All fine, a good laugh with rough humor, so I thought. Later our friend asked me if I had met the buddy today, and I said yes. Apparently he did get insulted by my joke, but laughed anyway. It's a bit weird to me, as it was a genuine laugh and conversation between the two of us. But now way I wanted to hurt him, so I wrote him and apology.
And that's a long story to talk about how to apologize. There are many options. The most common that people use when having to apologize washed down, half-apologizing, half-blaming.
"Hey XYZ, I want to apologize if I stepped over a line today. I thought we were just making fun, but apparently that wasn't the case. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings."
Blurry. Everything is conditional. No real taking responsibility.
"Hey XYZ, so, ABC told me that you were angry with me for my jokes today, if that's the case, I'd like to apologize. It was just meant as a joke, I'm sorry it wasn't perceived that way."
Even worse. Basically saying the other one just has a crappy sense of humor.
"Hey XYZ, I thought we were just joking today, but apparently you took it seriously, although you laughed as much as I did. It's just my way of humor, it's a bit rough for some, I really didn't mean to do any harm."
Not even an apology?
And it could go on like that. There are many ways to try to apologize, but a real apology comes from a place of honesty. It has to be genuine and sincere. No talking around. No evading the subject. Recognizing the mistake, taking responsibility, mark the lesson learned.
"Hey XYZ. ABC told me that I left you with a bad feeling today, and I want to apologize for going over the top with my supposed jokes. They were meant to make you laugh, but I went too far. I hope you accept my apology."
If you hurt somebody's feelings, you do. And most of the times that's sincere. So the apology has to be, too. There are of course those who make it a habit to always be hurt and insulted by anything, but the vast majority of people aren't like that. And I do not like to hurt people. And I do know that my humor can be questionable. I do get too confident too soon, I do enjoy making that kind of jokes with people I trust - but I trust too quickly.
It's important to me that people set me limits. Afterwards, I can always choose if I can go bananas enough within those limits to call it a friendship. Because a friend does have to accept most of what I am. So do I with a friend. If someone is insulted by everything all the time, they'd never be close to me. And they wouldn't want me close, either. I'd be friendly, of course, but distanced.
What's your worst experience with your own humor, or when did someone else's "joke" hurt you and why?
What are your thoughts about this topic? Please feel free to engage in any original way, including dropping links to your posts on similar topics. I'm happy to read (and curate) any quality content that is not created by LLM/AI, as well as read your own experience and point of view, I love to learn!
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