Growing together
Friendships aren't fickle. Being an incredibly important anchor in our lives, they're bound to the same risks that a romantic relationship is. Especially for those humans that see improving themselves according to their values as an important part of their lives, change is inevitable.
In order to maintain a healthy relationship of any kind, it takes constant contact with time to discuss deeper issues than the latest funny video, the weather, scandalous politics (the one where you stay superficial) and the latest gossip. Yes, change is inevitable, but communication is key to not get to the point of "I don't even know who you are anymore!"
Unless...
Yet, sometimes, there are events in life that change the latter drastically. Some things a friend isn't prepared for. For me, it was my daughter finally moving in with me. It was something I had wished for for a long time. But it changed my social life completely, as those with kids know. I'm now a single parent on top of everything else.
While before I was basically free to do what I wanted when I wanted, social life was easy. Now, there's some time in the morning when I can be social - and I try. Some friends were able to adapt, or we meet when my child is with me.
There's always one...
Except for one. He was one of my best friends, but now, I don't really see him anymore. I invited him for lunch, dropped by his cafeteria to see if he's there, asked when he had time - to not much avail. He says he'll let me know when he has time, but doesn't.
Last weekend, as Lily was with her mom, I told him that and we went out, and it was like old times. We talked about it. He said he didn't like spending time with me (nor with my girlfriend who has a daughter, too) when our kids were around. It just wasn't the same. And that he doesn't want to adapt to new schedules.
... and I learned.
And it's okay. I think we're still friends. Circumstances have changed. I always knew that there were some things I could count on him no matter what, and on others just not not. I'm still fond of him, even though our friendship was not worth enough for him to make an effort, or at least not the same effort that I was willing to put in.
I know that he's incredibly happy for me. He accompanied me through a long and periodically very painful time, caused by the separation from Lily, the ongoing struggles with the mom and the endless back-and-forth travelling. He listened a lot, and always shed a different light on things, looking for different angles. "I'm playing devil's advocate here" was one of his favorite phrases. That taught me a lot. It taught me to look at friendships from different angles, and value them based on reality, without idealizing.
... and I grew.
I don't actually regret not spending that much time with him. It was always fun, and especially in the last year we had some amazing discussions about philosophy. I don't even miss those. We had them. They're in my memory. It was sad that I had to figure it out by myself and then basically put him on the spot to see if I'm right, that is true - but I did that, we had a fun night out, a kind of goodbye. I won't ask for his time anymore, putting him into the awkward position of excusing himself. And in the end - having the little one with me makes up for everything, even the fading of a friendship.
Thank you for reading.