The respect that I need for my own self. No feelings to spare. A barrier that blocks everything.
I chased the desire to be normal, to react normally. A slight misstep and I am in an endless pain of loathing, figuring things out.
I figured out that acting indifferent is a form of protection. It ascends into simply not giving a fuck. A balance between remaining a deviant and being inconsequential to others. Revealing this can easily be misunderstood as arrogance. People despise. Performance and execution matter.
Whatever the logic, there is no reason to be a prick. The basic human standards of empathy can be demonstrated. If not present at all, they can be learned. Instead of fixating on words like “whatever” or “I don’t care,” conveying and communicating matters. Otherwise, the overall weight of it is destroyed. Get them to hear what they want: that you are sorry.
The problem revolves around focusing too much on external blame. The focus should be internal peace. Find solace in the fact that no matter how much someone loves you, or claims they cannot live without you, a thinking human will still blame others. No matter how stoic you are, there is a part that blames others. The mind shifts to other times of being wronged. Anger and arguing are only external validations. If there is no care for the outside world, make it seem like it. That can never be a source of fulfillment.
We are dangerous. We suffer and want others to know, in any capacity. We leave hints. Even the medium of taking one’s life becomes a marker of being misunderstood. This happens unconsciously. Thinking and rehearsing it, numerous parts are found that were not on the surface.
Think about it. Any time you try to spare someone, or act as the bigger person, a euphoria sets in. It is very easy to let that euphoria take over and still remain disobedient.
That is the hardest aspect, and the one with the most burden.
