Since childhood, I have always dreamt of having a good life with my parents and siblings. It is always a beautiful dream that I really wanted for them, just a simple and genuine kind of life where we could stick together no matter how hard our life is…
It’s almost a year now, and I think today might be the day I finally have the strength to express my thoughts and the heavy load of feelings that I’ve been carrying. It comes to my realizations that being honest to ourselves wasn’t easy at all because it takes a lot things to process your emotions and to endure it.
October last year, is the most devastating year in my entire life…
It is Monday afternoon, and I received a call from someone with a very low tone of voice, slowly telling me the very bad news about my older sister that she passed away. I was in a shock mode for a few seconds, like something that I need time to process every words coming out from the other line. The next thing she said totally shattered me, telling me that my sister took her own life at my parents house. I was bawling my eyes out and it feels like I am catching my breath, I couldn’t say anything, I just don’t understand a single thing happening that time.
I was trying to composed myself because I was thinking my mother will be the one who’s the most affected in the situation and the worst part is she’s paralyzed, so I was afraid that she might collapse or suffer something even worse. So, I was rushing to my parents house but on the way, I came across with the rescue ambulance who picked up my sister… and that was the very moment I saw her lying inside the ambulance. I was shaking, crying, frustrated because I wanted to talk to her but it was too late.
This is our first time we lost a member of the family, and she is the person whom I love the most because she’s been dealing a lot in her life already, many people might not have understood, her but to me, she is the kindest person I have known. How is wish, I could have a chance for a short conversation with her so I can understand what she’s been going through because until now, I don’t know why she went into that decision. It was so heartbreaking…
And I guess, grief has no timeline like I’m trying to get through the day to day and there’s a part of my life that I still haven’t accepted. I still think about her, and I know she’ll never come back. I even received a message from someone that I handled my sister’s funeral so well, I don’t know if it is a compliment but it broke me into pieces. It was all a painful memories.
I really misses her so much and I know for sure she is no longer in pain. I hope heaven treats you better than this world did… Don’t worry, we will be okay, we will.