I am sitting in the middle of a big mess.
Is it ever going to change? And do I want it to?
Since a few days I am watching that last orange Flower, surrounded by leaves turning yellow and golden, covered in mist each morning and light up by sunshine in the late afternoon. There has never existed a better time to leave, than autumn. No time of the year has that same romantic voice calling me into the woods and over the mountains. With no Plans how far I’ll go and when or if I’ll return.
I am still terrified to sleep in the woods by myself and I can’t wait to wake up in the middle of all that remaining green, changing into red. I still dread having to find a place to sleep each night and I am madly excited to use my new sleeping bag. I am scared of the cold and at the same time I can’t wait to swim in the lakes while the clouds’ll raise from the water around me, partially covering the shore and surrounding trees.
One thing changed. I no longer hurry myself, I enjoy all the packing process. I love to see my gear at my feet, getting better and smaller each time. I also felt like writing again, the moment I started stuffing my sleeping bag into it’s place.
Again, maybe it’s just an allegory for my life. Sometimes it is a huge mess, that you lay out in front of yourself overwhelmed and inspired by the freedom of all the choices you can make. And no matter how messy it all seems now, I know within less than 24hours it’s all going to be tidy in exactly the right place. Not too much and not too little, exactly where I need it to be.
“Isn’t it cold? Aren’t you scared?” They always ask the same questions.
Yes it is and yes I am. And neither of it is a reason for me not to do it.
Which is the next thing I have come to observe each time before I leave. I never want to. A week ahead it is easy to idealize the wildest adventures, camping in a snowstorm or watching the sunrise on a mountain peak at 2000meters. The closer the day comes the more this whole idea seems like a stupid one. My bed feels more comfortable than ever, when I know I have only one night left in it.
But I know sooner or later I’ll sit on the bike and then it will be too late to change my mind and stay.
It feels like playing Lego with life. Sure it’s just bricks, but you can literally build anything with them. And usually it starts in a big mess when you pour the whole box on to the floor so you have an overview of all the different parts and pieces. Not yet sure how you’ll assemble them just yet but determined and excited to figure it out.
Thank you for passing by, enjoy your week!
All photos and words are owned by ©kesityu taken and written by myself.