It dawned on me that this page, this persona I built for six years, has become my life. That paradise lost was intended to be a recollection of my darkest time. Paradise Lost :The Silence Within

I started with an excerpt of something I wrote long ago because in the end, you’ll learn that this persona, this place, has finally led me to a conclusion. The ending that I’ve been seeking for a decade.

Because I am supposed to…

Yesterday marked the 100 days after my father passed and I felt a huge sense of relief. I am finally free from the burden of grieving alongside my mom.

Parts of me just don’t really get the logical reasoning behind it. We all have choices daily and we can even fight our seemingly challenging environment to choose what we have to do. But just as I said in my previous one, I was like an ant, running in circles not knowing how to leave it.

I stayed with my mom, following her traditions she held dearly. Sometimes I win against the hostile environment that feels too depressing. I felt as if I was being dragged down and drowned constantly while I was just trying to survive.

It was very challenging to be productive in that environment. It was as if that was requiring 100x of my energy just to do a simple task.

If there’s one thing that I learned throughout these 100 days is that I found myself again. It was the time when I found joy in the simplest thing life has to offer. To be content and to take life a lot less seriously. To never seek death because it will come to us eventually. To carefully think before we make any decision. To say things we want to say. To ask when we need something. To be bold and avoid inactivity. To make boundaries.

But you can leave, right? Yes, technically I can but my illogical reasoning triumphs as I want to get my mother a lot more settled with her new life.

It may seem so impractical in modern times to be bound by these traditions and customs but parts of me were dragged. As much as I tried to fight it, I caved in. I gave up. I wanted to see where this path will lead me.

As much as everything I wanted felt halted, my responsibilities and goals were all over the place, I learned so much more in the process. It's personal but in the end, it was to help me find closure with the things I needed to have in life to grow.

Lately, I’ve seen my mom light up once more and feel more positive. She starts baking again, starts socializing and does things that she enjoys. At the same time, everyone in the community is slowly welcoming her back, inviting her to more activities, including her events.

And if there’s one thing I am really proud of is that I stayed. Rather than running away from the problem, I stayed in. 100 days isn’t a short time.

It’s enough time to change anything in your life and it changed mine.

There were mixed feelings in all these. Sometimes I feel burned out, stuck, happy, sad, and all ranges of emotions I’ve never really felt before.It showed me all the source of problems in my life. It showed me the things I’ve looked aside for many years.

I feel angry because I was stupidly nicer. I didn’t have boundaries with them and helped everyone in the family, cared for them and tried fixing their problem ignoring mine. Only to be looked down, shamed, and compared to because I didn’t have what others had. It all becomes a lot clearer in this 100 days.

But I also feel joy as I am finally free. Free of the side of the family that caused so many problems in my life. Free of the people who were the source of my suffering. I no longer have to see them, interact with them and even be in the same space as they are. I no longer have any necessity to be around them.

And sometimes i feel stuck because each day feels so mundane. I didn’t even know where to go, what to do despite having aspirations and goals. Each day and especially every Thursday I felt like a wave of grief, sadness and depression swallowed me. When your relationship is complex and layered, sometimes you just don’t know how to feel. You get dragged every Thursday to mourn but you feel numb. You can't say you feel sad but you can't say that you feel overjoyed either.

Yet at the same time, I feel unstuck. It was gradual but as the 100 days are ending, I started seeing things a lot clearer. I know what steps I have to do, what I should sacrifice, who I should live for, and what I should aim for.

The freedom I was seeking is coming into full circle. It lets me breathe, truly breathe and not just exist in this world.

Looking at the silver lining, I am glad I stayed. While it was a painful process, I gained clarity and closure that I needed for so long. It marked the closing of a chapter, a chapter that I’ve been trying to close for a decade. For everyone involved is gone now, including the version of me that I outgrew.

For now I’ve found a true paradise and it is no longer the paradise lost.