Life has been defeating lately,
I have hit the core of worthlessness
albeit without any sense of self-pity.
Back in my teens I would have at least had the luxury of being proud enough to sulk & cry while feeling sorry for myself, instead of just being left with the simple bitter taste of defeat & worthlessness.
I either have been completely defective from the start,
or if I wasn't,
at least I have cultivated the very choices that have certainly brought me there now.
I stumbled upon alchemy in a real way about 5 years ago.
Alchemy stumbled upon me for real without my knowing roughly 15 years ago.
I could have done without it.
Life would have been more comfortable.
With Death it started, first external, then internal
& now again
through some abstract Death it spirals
to hopefully some new completion.
What type of completion? I do not know.
But something has to break.
Like a Chinese Fortune Cookie,
that needs to be broken open
to complete its mission & purpose of offering you,
your fortune.
I feel worthless in the way that I feel I am a failure of a human.
Failure of being a human who is more at ease relating to animals or plants.
Failure of not being able to fit in even if I try.
Failure of not even fitting in with being an outcast.
I am so weird & strange.
I used to find it beautiful, but at the moment it terrifies me.
Weird & Strange not in some extravagant & exotic way.
But rather borderline autistic & absolutely banal,
I feel functionally dysfunctional & dysfunctionally functional.
I know how to navigate the World. But that's about it.
A failure despite knowing how to navigate.
What point is navigation,
when every inch on the map is recognized as a destination?
If I had any self-pity
I would probably just go full-on suicidal.
Instead I have stubborn horns
that are determined to die
while at least having attempted to live.
But I am horrified.
Horrified in that words fail me.
The silence of a dog communicates more
sense & understanding to me,
than the exchanges of words
I am capable of having with my fellow humans.
I used to be fairly funny,
but I have grown miserable among hungry ghosts.
Humanity is starving despite the fact
that it is devouring more than it ever has.
Or perhaps I am just one of the souls of the damned,
oblivious to the fact that this Life
is the purgatory after-life
I have died into.
In all my Trials of Fire so far
I was able to keep moving due to
"Truth & Love" seemingly unveiling themselves slowly
while going through it,
but I find myself wishing I could undo those glimpses
& just live ignorant to it all.
To be just moved by Life,
rather than having a will to move of my own volition through Life
I have taken too big of a sip
from the Wine of Life & the Water of Death.
Sober & Drunk,
stuck in Limbo.
Maybe it is neither,
maybe I just drank Poison,
disguised as Water & Wine.
And if it was Poison,
nobody else I know seems to have put their Lips to it.
I wish there was,
I would ask them if there was an antidote.
I was recently told I am a volcano
needing to erupt.
I wish I knew how,
I feel I am just a mountain of rock & crust.
I used to feel I was a Fire. Magma itself.
Perhaps I used to be a volcano &
I simply froze to ice without realizing.
I feel petrified.
I certainly wouldn't mind erupting,
yet not in rage, fire or brimstone,
but just to get rid of
whatever remains of sanity that I have left.
Better go properly mad & utterly insane,
instead of just being judged as such
while being sane enough to see what one is being judged as.
I rather be so broken that I am ignorant of it,
than be capable of hearing others tell me that I am.
At least everyone assures me,
I could have been great
if I was somebody else
instead of myself.
Despite it all,
I am here,
Breathing.
Why?
Only God Knows.
Maybe.
Either this Black Nigredo remains Black & Aborts.
Or it miraculously transmutes.
I do not care what it transmutes into,
White, Red, Brown or any other color.
Anything would be better than this.
I wish I could say
I felt as worthwhile as a piece of shit,
but even shit from my current perspective
is looking more valuable
knowing it is compost & functioning as such.
I am just an annoying Nuisance.
A Golden Turd.
Worthless,
looks like Poop,
but of no Use,
except for the Imaginary Value ascribed to it.
__ + __
As a baby you are told without words
but through expectation to first behave,
only then you are good enough.
To be worth something.
So You then learn to behave.
Once you behave,
you are told something else you need to fulfill to be good enough.
With a few exceptions,
very few beings will allow you
the recognition of your self-evident incorruptible worth.
You are never good enough,
loving enough,
kind enough,
satisfying enough
trusting enough.
Somewhere you will be reminded,
that having
Life breathing & beating in you is, never enough.
You are only allowed the luxury of having been the best
& suddenly remembered by everyone
as having been abundantly good enough while alive
only once You, Yourself are Dead.
Don't Wait. Until then.
Even your worthlessness carry on your back in company of your worth.
The Living-Dead Mourn Life & the Living,
but they celebrate Death & the Dead.
__ + __
Ranting Through Nigredo
The Fool of Fools, A.E.K