It's humbling to confess the amount of time & energy I've typically spend grasping for some sense of direction in the face of uncertainty...
Namely, contemplating "where next?"
My Revelstoke chapter is counting down until its end, with the owner of my condo rental planning to sell in the spring. And given units don't come easy, I'm taking it as my cue to move on (again). The first time here, I planted seeds for another as wanted to return; but this time, I haven't loved it as much - the ski resort has gotten way busier, the town is feeling too small, and the hermitude in such a small place feels I've exceeded the limits of what's healthy. No point in extending my stay yet again when the energy feels to not be what I actually need & want.
But the next destination...? 😬
There isn't a 100% clear answer to that. And while I've bounced around alot in my past and flowed with the changes rather gracefully with openness & excitement, I've been feeling very unsettled about the uncertainty this time. So much so, that I've barely even thought about the snowboarding season approaching - instead mentally/emotionally jumping ahead in anxious anticipation of the next move, hoping to land somewhere that feels more grounding, satisfying, nourishing... yet also aware it's highly likely I'd just be taking the same sense of unsettledness with me, repeating the same pattern again - stoked upon arrival at first, until the itch for somewhere different kicks in like clockwork and a fresh cycle of looping in looking at real estate elsewhere begins. Us humans are silly creatures sometimes. (And then, my 4th house Uranus doesn't exactly lend itself to long-term locational stability. IYKYK.)
T'was summer 2024 a possible answer began presenting... Kelowna.
My parents bought a timeshare there when I was 15, and I often joined them for a few days in the summer (the years I wasn't abroad). I always loved it. Gorgeous city on Okaganan Lake in the middle of wine country. Beautiful girls in abundance. Great vibe along the seawall & parks downtown. I'd never thought I'd actually want to live there, but when my dad announced he was selling the timeshare last summer, a sadness crept in. I didn't feel like I was done there. And, there were a couple new condo towers that'd gone up... to which there was an undeniable magnetism.
The longer I sat with the option, the more I could see myself there. Right across the street from my favorite walks of all-time, million dollar views in the specific unit that captivated me. More cafes to satisfy my morning coffee & writing routines than Revelstoke. More beautiful women & feminine energy to be around. Oh jeezus, that's a big one. Pianos placed around town on the streets in summer to play, tempting me to share some magical performance moments as have last couple times there. Snowboarding still only an hour away at Big White, which I loved the times ridden there when younger. The math checks out.
But, I'm not 100% sure.
The specific condo unit I want... rare. Won't be ready to buy yet. And I've seen a couple of them hit the rental market, but it's something timing's really gotta align for. IF the one that hit the market in May was only taken for a year and goes back up, that'd be perfect... but probably a longshot. And settling for a different unit I'm not as stoked on... can already feel that wouldn't satisfy and turn out to be a bad call. Particular, discerning taste can be both a gift & curse sometimes.
So, has come the questioning: time to travel again IF timing doesn't align? Back to Thailand, Bali, and maybe check out Vietnam to scratch that itch "before settling down" again...? Logical strategy. But, am I really feeling it - or just logically posing the idea, ready to go through the motions as kinda of clueless of what else to do. Honestly, it feels more like the latter. As much as part of me adores the idea of amazing Thai food & massage every day and a taste of aliveness I felt there when younger, I probably feel more intimidated than excited at the prospect; more like it'd be wandering aimlessly to kill time than an actual calling. I've gone through several waves of watching YouTubes on Bangkok, Phuket and Bali - gleaning moments of excitement... though also equal moments of dread as knowing that the exact same places that may seem like heaven when making the jump correctly could just as much deliver a hellish experience if the timing & energy aren't truly aligned.
Meanwhile, there's also been some interesting developments in/with Canadian politics that throw another curveball into the equation... the question of Albertan separation.
To say I've been discontent with the political direction Canada has gone in recent years would be putting it lightly. And I'm not alone, with an estimated 30-40% of people from my home province supporting divorce from the federal government. It's pretty certain there's going to be a referendum in the spring, and it's a serious question: IF Alberta does declare sovereignty, do I wanna be back there to ride the wave? Do I really wanna commit to Kelowna before the vote is in - and potentially live with the regret of having missed the opportunity... I don't think so.
Though, is there anywhere in Alberta I'm actually stoked on living? No. My hometown... ugh. Banff or Canmore in the mountains... same smallness I've tired of in Revelstoke, for snowboarding that's not as good, in a thick resort town vibe I'm not stoked on. Thus, it'd be Calgary. The Beltline area - highly walkable, lots of cafes & amenities nearby, similar condo style to the one in Kelowna I love. Enough to satisfy the needs & wants of my current routines. But for how long...?
Crossroads.
In some ways, the busier city of Calgary might even be a more suitable rebound from my extreme hermitude in the mountains. And the prospect of a smooth exit from the Canadian circus that's been encroaching into technocratic Communist territory to my homeland where political values align without the costs of "departure tax"is hella appealing. But at what cost, if it doesn't have the same aesthetic nourishment as Kelowna? Is it really gonna feel like a homebase, or just a strategic hub, from which I keep wanting escape from physically rather than politically...?
"Be here now," goes the saying... yet that's something I've been finding next-to-impossible to do, as these questions loop in my psyche.
I stumbled across this YouTube channel, Caveman Passport, recently. Dude in midlife, reflecting on his (hedonistic) adventures in Asia... and the discord as he, the places he's kept returning to, and times change. God damn, his writing is fucking prolific... and hit me deep with the potent reflections. Especially one in which he mentioned the "trapped seeker." Talk about a mirror.
Indeed, a majority of me is far more a seeker than settler. That was definitely embodied in my twenties. And while I kinda thought I'd scratched that itch as "settling" more back into Canada over the last decade, I'm not so sure now. Caveman's tales resonated not entirely as a direct expression of the exact same experiences, but perhaps moreso of the shadows of potentialities I've felt as likely if I were to keep "seeking." I've been aware that the physical seeking/wandering isn't what I want; that it can't be the same as when I was younger and wouldn't scratch the nostalgia itches. But, that settling isn't 100% for me either... and it probably has become a trap by attempting to live as though it is. Maybe this is my Human Design SHORES Environment at play - in the liminal space, on the edge between worlds.
Part of me wishes there was a crystal clear, strong magnetism & sense of knowing where I "gotta" be, similar to Bali. Three years before I moved there, I knew. It was undeniable. But now...? It feels like any "internal compass" I might have is either broken, offline, or defunct as overwhelmed with noise. "It is what it is." And yeah, some "quality problems" to have. But nonetheless, still been difficult.
Perhaps these are some of those notorious "tests in surrender." No doubt, life presents us all with uncertainty at times, where we can't know the next steps until they present themselves. Times where "our faith is tested," or some shit.
But I'm also not willing (or maybe capable) of letting my guard down and cease questioning where the fine line is between surrender and resignation.
Sure, there may be a time & place to "sit in" & "be with" the uncertainty, "allowing guidance to present itself in due time," etc, etc. But there's also a slippery slope where that can become complacency, delegating agency to some new-agey rhetoric rather than embracing ownership for one's challenges and "solutions." (Maybe. I could be wrong, in some cases/contexts.)
There may be wisdom in waiting for clarity. But it might also be a fine line as crossing into self-gaslighting as overriding what clarity may exist, subtly, in stillness & silence, with the louder doubts, fears, and anxieties of mind & ego that'd prefer flashing neon billboard-sized signs.
Then again, maybe I’m romanticizing notions of “clarity” - perhaps having bought into spiritualized fantasies of fate/destiny, as though there’s some “correct” route… when maybe life is far more random & chaotic without the type of intrinsic “meaning,” “purpose,” and "Divine plan"type stuff humans have always wanted to believe in - no angels guiding, no hidden Gods attempting to steer us towards epic successes on the other side of our trials - just some blank canvas that often gets filled by the splashes of whatever crosses our paths as we waste the opportunity to create something more of it as waiting for signals & signs from “the universe” that may never actually come because there actually fucking aren’t such a thing. (Not to say that as a concrete declaration of truth - but as one end of a spectrum. The truth, more likely to be found somewhere in between the extreme ends - fluctuating across different points at different times in different circumstances.)
No matter how many loops of contemplation repeat as parts of me seek relief & resolution in some answer to soothe/bypass the discomfort with uncertainty, perhaps another part already knows - not "the answer" as mind/ego conclusively wants it, but these broader overviews as articulated throughout this writing in which "the answer" isn't a destination, but the outlooks & attitudes which restore coherence in the process/journey. The principles, axioms and wisdom that provide a vibrational foundation to once again gracefully surf the waves of change as they roll in, one at a time, each perfect for what it is as its own chapter in a larger story. That perfection, sometimes including the tension of not knowing what comes next - both as the contrastive setup for the blissful release and surprise of discovery. (After all, would a book or movie be as enjoyable if we knew the ending and every act before it happened...?)
How poetic this all sounds. And what a perfect setup for reminding myself of my humanness, as I'll no doubt fail to eat my own words and rebound back into the loops shortly after writing this. Ha.
photo credit: Landos.photos
T'was Carl Jung known for speaking of "holding the tension of opposites." Motherfucker knew something. The further life progresses (and/or sometimes degresses), the more apparent - and stronger - that "tension of opposites" seems to become.
And what a fucking perfect example, with my relocational "dilemma."
The tension between two cities. Two provinces - potentially to split into two countries; one "old," one "new." Two paths representing polar opposites in political ideology & sovereignty embodiment.
The tension between east & west. Two paths representing embodiment of the settler & seeker, the desire for "security" in "stability" and wanderlust.
The tension between who I was and who I'm becoming. Two paths representing my own habitual personal ways of being and a leap into the unknown, embracing what is ready to die and what inner guidance wants to emerge - irregardless of which locations are chosen. The tension between wants, needs & desires of former versions of myself, those of my present self, and those of future versions yet to be revealed.
It's a balancing act, alright.
And in spite of emphasis mind/ego places on location as the "answer," perhaps what I'm really yearning for isn't actually about the prettiest place, political environment, or logistics of what best suits routine & lifestyle, but aliveness. Though understandably enough, mind can often associate that aliveness with place - especially with a track record of life experience wherein the peak phases of aliveness did seem to correlate with certain moves.
But maybe I've just been tripping myself up in these traps of mind & ego, searching for "greener grass" as seeking dopaminergic highs in fantasies rather than maximizing what aliveness is available here & now - including in all the tension between these opposites. That tension may not be pleasant - but it sure is human in a way that's more indicative of aliveness than deadness. (Though part of me would surely argue otherwise.) *Perhaps at some level, I've even kept myself stuck in the tension - self-masochistically addicted to it, compulsively feeding the loops because it is some semblance of 'aliveness,' albeit unpleasant.
Yada, yada, yada. Or who the fuck knows.
In any case, this writing-therapy session feels about complete with the noon cortisol wave rolling in, pushing the move from cafe back to condo for the afternoon's surfing hyperfocus waves mixing music. Which I've been loving, as that feeds the sense of aliveness, amidst all the uncertainty of "where next." So maybe the guidance I'm waiting for is in that. The faith waiting to be owned, in life for providing whatever space is suitable to continue these surfs of creative waves - no matter the city, country, politics, surroundings. And that just as it lined up Revelstoke perfectly for the correct timing of its chapter in my story, so too shall the next unfold without needing to stress so fucking much or force certainty before its time.
Or some shit. 🤷♂️ ✌️