God, it feels like lifetimes since I wrote. Well, not quite… it’s actually felt more like I’ve just been in purgatory the whole time. As many deaths & rebirths I’ve been through over my four decades, there’s recently been questioning if I’m in the midst of another death - albeit a long-wave one that’s around 3 years, versus prior ones occuring in shorter waves, some nearly instantaneous. But I digress (as usual).
I was riding the chairlift with some dudes, when they popped the “what do you do” question… God, how I struggle to answer that. My go-to lately has been something along the lines of, “I’m kinda somewhere in between unofficially, semi-informally retired and midlife-crisis sabbatical…” and when the part about snowboarding every day came out afterwards, one of the dudes was like, “you’re living the dream.”
Well, one of them. Maybe.
In consideration of my 17 year-old self who aimed to move to Whistler to snowboard all the time and get into business for the financial & time freedom to live life on my terms, kinda, yeah. Though at the same time, there’s been other “dreams” - which I also lived. (Moving to, living & DJing in Bali.) And to alot of dudes who are living the “norm” of trading time for a paycheque in the conventional societal matrix and would like to escape and have the freedom to ride every day, sure.
But the dream of one’s 17 year-old self ain’t necessarily “the dream” when they get to 41.
Nor is anyone else’s version of “the dream,” or their projection of you living it, a reflection that you actually are.
Yeah, I’ve had some blessings, and can/should be grateful I get to “live life on my terms…” which at this point, looks like snowboarding every day. (Well, at least the 63 in a row managed until got sick, having to take the last week off to rest.) But a snapshot of that current outcome doesn’t factor in the preparation part of the “luck = preparation meets opportunity” equation. It’s easy for someone to come along and conclude I’m “living the dream,” unaware of the 15-20 years of AuDHD hyperfocus studying, investing in knowledge & skills, jumping from one venture/project to the next, trial-and-erroring my way through deaths & rebirths while the majority simply do the 9-to-5, come home, get inebriated and blow their spare time in front of Netflix & video games. It’s easy for someone looking from the outside to remain unaware of the toll all the intensity of ‘hustle’ along the way took, what consequentially being burnt out for years feels like in spite of still getting up to ride everyday, how drastically the lingering emotional damage of a nuclearly-imploded marriage contrasts with any idealized “dream,” and how fucking “off-track / lost” it’s possible to actually feel in spite of appearances of “living the dream.”
Yeah, yeah… boo-hoo. “Quality problems.”
But there comes a point of wisdom where/when acknowledging what is a far superior strategy than naively choosing toxic positivity and pushing through the shadow content. Hell, I probably coulda fast-tracked the current 3-year feels-like-purgatory death I’ve been in had I fully surrendered, rather than still half trying to gaslight myself into thinking the “negative” aspects of the whole experience weren’t “as bad” or deserving of full acknowledgement, considering “how good I have it compared to others,” etc, etc.
Deconditioning/deprogramming is quite the damn process, I tell ya.
Having thrown myself hard into the whole self-help / personal-development / hustle-culture cult for over a decade, it’s still tough unwinding from all the dogmatic beliefs, philosophies and preconceived notions pervasive within both it and cultural/societal conventions.
It’s like my “conscience” has been hijacked of the cultural entity masquerading as an angel on my shoulder, while it’s really a devil - constantly instilling doubt ever-so-cleverly disguised in “good, logical advice…”
”You know what to do, you just haven’t been disciplined enough to do it.” (Not accounting for how drastically my feeling towards “goals” has evolved and values have changed since targets were set years ago that no longer inspire the same way they used to.)
”You’ve heard countless gurus teach the way countless times… it’s your own fault for not putting it into practice.” (Not accounting for how deep the burnout’s been, attempting to follow others’ strategies & advice.)
”You’re unclear on what you want and what your ‘dream’ is? Well obviously you just have to ‘get clear’ on it.” (Not accounting for “easier said than done;” that some things can’t be forced according to the timelines of one-size-fits-all ideologies; that the soul journey does/can not always conform to the logical “should’s” of mind & ego, no matter how culturally-approved the beliefs in ultimate ‘free will’ to ‘manifest anything & everything we want’ on demand… including “clarity.”)
It’s like there’s still this crowd of millions, still running these “motivational/inspirational” programs, the “leaders” asserting with a sense of utmost confidence that everything can be simply & miraculously changed by following these “proven” formulas & exercises conveniently packaged into $5000 weekend seminars & $777 online “containers…” that entity on my shoulder trying to lure me in to delegate my authority over to the groupthink again with promise that the “clarity” on what I value, want, and “dream” can be “achieved” by just humbling myself enough to ‘follow (whatever) system’ and embrace whatever “empowering belief” serving as gateway to the holy land “clarity.”
Except life doesn’t work that way all the time.
No matter all the kernels of truth there might be mixed in amongst the plethora of ‘motivational/inspirational’ rhetoric on “goal setting/achievement” and such, the overall package is really better fit for a younger, more-naive, ego-driven customer (i.e. where I was two decades ago) than who/where I am (at) now, in the throes of the “midlife crisis” era, on a unique path that never has and never will conform to anyone else’s mould, in a rapidly-changing world vastly different than that all the cult(ural) dogma arose out of.
There’s still this idea (I’ve felt kinda tortured by, tbh) that I “should” have clarity on what “I want.” That I’ve had enough time to ‘figure out’ what “my dream” and/or “vision” is, and there’s “no excuses” to not have such clarity. That it ‘should’ be as easy as all the gurus say/teach, and there’s something “wrong with me,” considering I’ve listened/read to thousands of variations of their formulas & strategies imparting the “secrets” of gaining such clarity… only to prove “it doesn’t work for me.” (Enter the downward spiral of negative feedback loop, doubting self as rhetoric of “limiting beliefs” are activated… as though it were all really just as easy as gaslighting myself with “positive affirmations” instead.)
But truth is, I don’t fucking know what I want. Not in the totality. I don’t fucking know what “my dream/vision” is. And I may have thought I did at previous points in life, leaning on that delusionary sense of “clarity” and “passionate drive” to fuel narcissistic (spiritual) ego… while having since swung to the opposite extreme of not knowing - and feeling inferior because of it and the ability to gain clarity on “my mission/purpose” willfully at any point. Maybe the experience at/with both extreme ends will with eventually culminate in some healthy “middle ground.”
’Where do I see myself in 5 years?’ I don’t fucking know. I can barely think/plan 5 hours, days, weeks, months ahead. Ha. And maybe it’s a mark of genuine humility & wisdom to admit that any answer I could provide would mostly be coming from the logical mind, influenced with some ego, still swayed by conditioned/programmed ideas of “should,” rehashing bits & pieces of what sounds good, felt good in the past, or appeals to parts of me in the moment… while feelings are bound to change countless times between here and five years from now.
And…
While I’ve never been religious, there’s something to be considered when it comes to the whole concept of “God’s plan.”
As much as new-age “spirituality” tends to get lost in the Neptunian sauce of delusional extremes, there’s something to be considered regarding the concept of “a spirit-led life.” Or sparing the romanticization of “ascension,” certain sound principles upon which the notion has roots… including that there are different Truths at different levels. (i.e. what materialistic ego-driven “manifest anything & everything you want” rhetoric may hold merit *at certain phases of evolution… until reaching higher levels of maturity and surrender to “Divine will,” or whatever you wanna call it.)
Or to embrace some of the immense wisdom offered through the framework of Human Design, albeit there exists temptation to get overly dogmatic about/with some of its principles too, that there is some merit to the premise of “no choice.” That as much as ego would like to claim life to control according to its own will, there is much we cannot control - and would be far wiser to align harmoniously with the Strategy & Authority of our body-genetic vehicle rather than attempting to impose ‘our’ ideals & dictates onto the direction of the soul journey.
Yeah. All that. (Sigh).
But hey, any of us do have the ‘free will’ to go ahead and try hustle our way to whatever we ‘want’ anyways… but good luck with it bringing the peace & satisfaction mind & ego would expect.
Yeah, we might have these ideas about what we think we want. But by the time comes that we hustle ourselves to exhaustion and they arrive - or even if we ‘manifest’ gracefully with ease - they don’t always turn out to be the shiznat like we thought they would.
Living at the base of Canada’s raddest snowboarding and shredding every day sounded awesome when I was 17. And when I first lived it at 37, it was. And when I came back to do it again at 41… well, things change. Maybe the itch got scratched. Maybe chasing dopamine in the form of hucking yourself down a mountain repeatedly gets old. Maybe there’s more to life.
And what next…? I don’t fucking know.
Younger versions of I wanted all this big, grand, glorious shit. To be rich, important, have all this flashy stuff and influence, “do epic shit,” “go big or go home,” etc, etc. Now… not so much.
And there comes another head-on collision with a whole army of cult(ural) programming… ’am I settling? “Playing small?” Not thinking big enough (anymore)? Etc, etc…?
Part of me wants a more simplified life now. While at the same time, is discontent with it. And I’ve been through enough life cycles and might be somewhere near humble enough to finally admit that wherever I go, there, I’ll be. That this perpetual sense of restlessness/unsettledness (whether my Uranus in 4th house or just part of the human psyche) that’s always had me looking to future goals and far-off places as though fulfillment awaits there will never find satisfaction in the things & places it thinks it will.
“The dream” of snowboarding everyday… the allure is wearing off quick. So what about going back to Bali or Thailand…? I’m aware of the rose-colored glasses, knowing it’ll only be a matter of time before other facets of the experience ‘get old.’ Dream home & studio here, travel back & forth there… it all sounds so wonderful as the imagination frames it in the best light fit for the Instagram highlight reel… but there’s no escaping acceptance that all the 3D superficialities just become pretty hollow shells sooner or later. And that maybe I don’t fucking know what might actually deliver the greatest peace & satisfaction - which ultimately, are probably the two things my heart & soul want most.
And hell, this wouldn’t be a fully honest share if I didn’t also admit: maybe I’ve been blinding/deafening myself to whatever “inner guidance/calling” might be there awaiting to lead in the ‘correct’ direction, through constant technological distraction/addiction and focus on all the outer shit, still trying to conceptualize the “dream” life in context of physical location, what I’m doing, and the 3D benchmarks of “success.”
And within that same breath, the acknowledge of having self-sabotaged enjoyment of the here & now by constantly being fixated on what’s next. The perfectionist part of my psyche so damn fixated on measuring up the moment against idealized ‘dreams/visions,’ that the present moment becomes but a treadmill of chasing some future one that can never come, rather than chilling the fuck out and simply “living the dream” - even if it’s a work-in-progress.
But no… snowboarding every day isn’t “enough,” cuz once I’ve become aware of the subtle yet drastic improvements of a proper boot fit, so too come awareness of the room for improvement, subtleties of discomfort, and the borderline-obsessive pursuit of the optimal boot fit. The moments where it’s almost there or momentarily good enough, oh God, the ecstacy, like the peak highs of Divine crack as every minute detail of gear aligns into place for a degree of precision & control unparalleled in beauty & flow. And the moments it’s not… hell. Discomfort & pain that has me questioning if this is “Divine guidance” to abandon course and get back to the tropics. (But granted, the same fluctuations between extremes - surely part in thanks to my Mars & Mercury in Gate 15 of Extremes - of the 12-22 emotional waves are bound to play out equally off-the-hill, in Asia just as much as here, or anywhere else. Though year-round sun, warm weather, and daily massages might go a ways further in satisfying the body than these struggles. Albeit life always its balance of yin & yang, no “dream life” ever as one-sidedly positive as we might wish for.)
Oh God, the intensity sometimes. It’d be rather surprising to find out I wasn’t autistic, if actually undertaking the diagnosis process, at this point, in consideration of more & more of these types of patterns & pecularities coming to light over years through all the self-reflections and confronting how radically ‘different’ I seemingly am and do things, all factors added up and contrasted with conventions of how seemingly simple many approach life - i.e. as though snowboarding every day was “living the dream,” ya got it made, end of story, happily-ever-after.
Maybe some people’s life path entails ’having a dream,’ which is rather clear & straightforward, living it out with satisfaction, and all gravy.
Maybe some have latched onto & propagated the “living the dream” concept as a means of coping with lives they aren’t truly satisfied with - projecting the fantasty of “a dream” either as something others are “lucky” to experience or something to aspire to themselves, not being happy where they’re at and dangling it as a carrot in the far off distance to keep some sense of hope alive that what they’re working towards will one day be worth it.
Then again, with 8 billion people on this planet, maybe not everyone is meant to “have a dream” in the same regard/context as motivational gurus preach is ‘essential.’
Maybe some of our paths are meant to just be lived in their unfoldment, not knowing exactly where the path is leading nor overly concerned with any idealized “vision” of what life ‘should’ look like - merely flowing with what is in the moment and embracing all the uncertainty along the way.
Out of all 8 billion people on the planet, there’s probably alot more who fit into the latter camp. And while motivational/inspirational gurus and devotees of self-help dogma and the hustle-cult(ure) might frame this as the majority “settling,” “playing small,” as though following their “empowering beliefs” of striving after big, “great” things is somehow superior (whilst rationalizing the narcissistic grandiosity & spiritual ego as something “evolved”), perhaps there’s some wisdom to be gleaned from a majority of humanity living as they do, contented with simplicities and finding satisfaction in “dreams” that may not be ‘larger than life…’ or finding contentment without having or needing “dreams.”
Part of me almost envies the simplicity in which the ‘average/normal’ person finds their satisfaction, while I’ve repeatedly banged my head against the wall making things more complicated than they probably need to be. As inflated my ego got buying into all the “go big or go home” rhetoric and striving for “big dreams,” there’s the flip side of blessings for those who never dipped their toes into the self-improvement trap and/or hustle-cult(ure). As horrible a trap comparison may be, there’s surely alot of people who’ve found fulfillment in the basics of a “good job,” family, and traditional life(style) whose dreams might pale in comparison to that of the narcissistic social media influencer culture I’ve been influenced by for the worst, but nonetheless remained grounded in reality and achievable - versus established in a ceaseless, unquenchable yearning for more (dopamine highs) and leading to burnout, breakdown, and unpleasant reality checks that no matter the surface-level “successes,” a good amount of these cult(ure)s we gave ourselves to valued the wrong things.
Yada, yada, yada.
WTF do I know anymore.
Maybe more than I give myself credit for. (And maybe too much knowledge for my own good, whereas “ignorance is bliss” and it’d be easier to find satisfaction in the simplicity of living my 17 year-old self’s (or someone else’s) dream without the interference of overthinking consequential of knowing too much. Granted, maybe this phase, too, has it’s time & place - and some of that knowledge, to be passed on for others’ benefit, unbeknownst to me.)
So yeah, the “midlife crisis is a thing. (Which I’m almost getting tired of writing about myself, but damn it ain’t short). And sorry, to any of the younger readers here - but there might not be a version of “living the dream” that exempts one from it.
Or, if you happen to have figured out the secrets to escape the purgatory and simply ‘live the dream’ without the midlife-crisis part, do share.
Truth be told, there’s still part of me that wants to believe the few million ‘life coaches’ and ‘inspirational gurus’ online promising clarity, confidence, and the ‘life of your dreams,’ as though racking up another couple grand on the Mastercard is the simple action step to sorting out all my qualms and getting everything to click magically into place, or as though ‘holding myself accountable’ to someone positioning themselves as an authority who’ll tell me to “just do it” will miraculously override the natural creative process/flow and trying to force things will no longer make life feel like hell. But maybe I’m just wisening up through maturity to see through the bullshit.
And/or maybe at the same time, I’m still stuck in my own, “playing small,” “holding myself back with limiting beliefs,” etc, etc. (Though held back from what…? Engage the counterperspective challenge yet again - how much of the answer comes from conditioning/programming, versus “higher self,” “Divine will,” etc, etc…?)
Feeling mindfucked yet…?
😵💫😈☯️😇🫠