I’ve been questioning lately: to what degree may I have been habitually gaslighting myself…?
It might seem a somewhat odd concept, when gaslighting is most frequently used in discussions of narcissistic abuse and such. Yet, it might also be quite possible that we gaslight ourselves far more frequently than anyone else. Perhaps not in the context / full common definition of the word where done deliberately (although the gaslighting of others is not always done consciously either) or with (conscious) manipulative intent - yet no doubt, there are probably way more instances of us lying to ourselves and stringing ourselves along in fabricated narratives than most of us would care to admit. T’is kinda just the nature of cognitive biases afterall, some amount or another of which are practically always present in the modus operandi of our psyches.
Onto specific tangibles rather than vague theory…
If I had a dollar for every minute I’ve spent in mental-emotional loops contemplating where to move (next) over the last few years. Ha. (Uranus 4th house, relentless.) To stay in Canada…? To return to Bali…? If Canada… Revelstoke, Vancouver, Kelowna? What about Thailand again…? Ought to venture out and try somewhere new…? Though primarily, the bounces between Revelstoke, lately Kelowna, and Bali. There was probably nowhere I ever felt as alive and in the richness of life as Bali; it was “my dream,” and the question won’t let up if I’ve done my soul a disservice by ‘putting it behind me…’ rationalizing the decision with seemingly sound logic that’s convinced myself of a storyline.
“It’s changed alot since then. I couldn’t ‘go back,’ as the Bali I knew & loved doesn’t exist anymore. Too busy, too many crazy influencers, too much traffic, too much development… probably not what I need at this point. Nervous system probably needs something more chill. Don’t know if could handle that heat year-round again. Ain’t about to sell 1/4 of my investments to give the tyrannical Canadian government “exit/departure tax” nor gonna risk non-compliance, not clear on how would best handle that… or if actually ‘correct’ to leave Canada (yet). My ‘values are changing.’ Not sure of abc. Not quite vibing with xyz. Etc, etc.”
But do I truly know?
Or have I just regurgitated these same talking points to myself and others so many times to justify staying put in a ‘comfort’ zone?
Is there 100% certainty in my heart & soul that I wouldn’t be more happy returning to the Island Of The Gods, in spite of the limited snapshot of what changes I’ve seen via select social media filters and the story I’ve crafted around it, than just toiling away in this waiting game of a mediocre existence I’m content with some days, though not truly feeling excited about and in love with life…?
Were the moments of utmost inspiration felt at the idea of going back to Bali - and/or possibly Lombok instead - merely fleeting emotional waves, brief glimpses of the Divine bliss found in Neptunian delusions… or more meaningful traces of ‘guidance’ & a ‘calling’ that I’ve since conveniently pushed down, numbed out, and logically ushered away to avoid the disappointment & apathy consequential of the choice to remain in a country that doesn’t provide that same inspiration…?
Have I latched onto the narratives of Human Design to justify waiting - overriding the sacral “uh huh” responses, no longer even truly in touch with that bodily guidance after having discounted it with logic; perpetually “waiting for emotional clarity” whilst keeping myself so distracted that haven’t gotten comfortable enough with stillness & silence to even recognize the said ‘clarity’ were it actually even here, now? Is it a falsehood of expectation that the sacral “uh huh” and “clarity” indicative of an undeniable signpost to choose this way or that would be equally as strong as that which existed 3 years prior to moving to Bali - that “bodily guidance” at this stage of life might/could not occur more subtly, quietly, and calmly? (And have I become so entwined with the belief in “bodily guidance” and “correctness” that have fallen into the mind trips/traps of overanalysis and delegating authority to these conceptual frameworks of how decisions ‘should’ be made, further diminishing connection to heart, soul, spirit, body and the clarity of clear signal that may always be present there somewhere beneath/behind/beyond the mind’s noise…?)
Of course, framing all those questions like that comes with bias of its/their own. Which could lead both you & I to answer with weight swayed in a particular direction. Yet, the contemplation in that direction swings to one end of the spectrum deliberately for examination of one side of the coin. The other side is equally present, valid, and true. In this case, there hasn’t been the sacral “hell yes,” in spite of the validity/truth of all perspectives above. Nor ‘emotional clarity.’ It hasn’t felt correct to uproot yet again to relocate to the other side of the world (at least yet). More consistently if checking in, the thought of expending all that energy to try pull it off anytime soon produces more of an “ugh” than excitement. Etc, etc, etc. Always, the yin & yang.
Things in life aren’t always black or white.
Yes, there are truths in those narratives I’ve been telling myself about why Bali might not be a fit at this point. And, I most likely have been gaslighting myself to some degree to amplify & distort those truths to defend the ego’s comfort zone, appeasing the desire for certainty & control (even if illusionary).
And simultaneously, to what degree have I been holding onto a self-identity wherein/whereas relocating abroad is somehow “better,” more ‘cool,’ etc. - gaslighting myself to think I have to keep up with a former version of self’s ideas & values when they may no longer truly fit/resonate? What’s the other side of story being kept alive in my psyche being told by the parts of ego resistant to the possibility that I might actually prefer to stay in boring ol’ Canada that’s attempting to manipulate to preserve its sense of ‘specialness’ in some ‘adventurous’ fantasy that maturity & wisdom would discerningly accept its time to let be part of the past?
So what now, from here…?
Next..
I’ve got this aquaintence. Met him 13 years ago as drove him to an ayahuasca ceremony with other dude I knew on Vancouver Island, seemed to get along, kept in touch on social media since. He ended up being a coach for men on the matter of dating, seduction, women, becoming a solid man that attracts them, etc. When he published a book last year, I picked up a copy, and found it to be pretty good. Recently, he’s been branching out to the fitness-oriented side of things as well, and we reestablished some chats... and he extended an invitation/offer for a ‘free’ coaching session, as he’s working on a new methodology and wants practice with some guys he respects, aimed at helping generate clarity on goals and an inspiring vision that’d inspire commitment to long-term projects…
It’s been a weird process sitting with what’s come up as a response.
I’ve been in a different, unconventional relationship with “goals” lately. Having been unplugging/deconditioning/deprogramming from a ton of personal development, hustle-culture, and conventional paradigms/frameworks in which goal setting & achievement are exalted, I can’t even quite relate to them in the same way I used to. What are my “goals”…? I don’t fucking know. Lol. I don’t feel I’m in a state/place at this point in my life where can even really play that game anymore. I’ve come to know the wisdom of that saying, “if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.” And perhaps integrated & embodied some of the Buddhist-ish wisdom in/of concepts such as “detachment,” “surrender,” “flow,” etc. I’ve been there & done that with the ambitious aspiration towards “success” and striving towards specific outcomes & things… and have since swung to possibly the opposite extreme where most of that shit doesn’t do much to motivate/inspire anymore. What I do want… I kinda trust is on its way in due time, and/or is beyond my control, and thus doesn’t even require any “goal” to be set and some disciplined regimen of action to be taken to “achieve” - rather just patience and consistency doing what I’m doing anyway consequential of living according to my values and organic process of refinement of self & frequency. The whole “goals” paradigm kinda just feels like this whole mind-ego game incompatible with my current continually-evolving operating system - something I’m no longer capable of conforming to and couldn’t go backwards to even attempt fitting into.
And as for some clear “vision” or goal of something to commit to long-term… man, inspiration comes & goes. On average, I might have about two days before an inspiring idea loses steam and I nearly forget it entirely; at longest, two weeks. Lol. Believe me, I’ve given these matters shitload of thought. Consistently, there’s been nothing that’s come as any grand “dream” / outcome that evokes any response of such idealized inspiration that’d have me grinding endlessly in ‘pursuit’ of it. Whether my 6/2 “on the roof” phase of hermitude & integration or whatever else, I’ve felt in a “cocoon” like stage - no longer what I was, not really able to conceive of what I may be becoming, and consequentially, incapable of seeing too far ahead and/or planning accordingly. And interestingly, though the mind & ego might still prefer playing that game and having that sense of certainty of direction, I’ve been feeling more of peace & contentment with the process - finding more simple enjoyment with the smaller victories of consistency with daily routines doing my X3 workouts, finding flow & enjoyment in engineering music after years of struggle & resistance, optimizing health, etc. Bigger projects… I don’t fucking know; and there’s not really much desire to at this point. And whose/what belief system says there’s anything ‘wrong’ with that or that all 8 billion people on earth right now have to play that particular game with those particular rules?
Granted, blind spots exist.
And the mind/ego have their very clever ways of crafting narratives to preserve the status quo of their illusions of control & certainty.
Indeed, I’ve been experiencing some peace & contentment in this new/different state/space, without the overemphasis on goals I used to have, unplugged from the self-help & hustle cultures full of “motivational” dogma. But… I can’t pretend like there isn’t occasionally/often the question of whether I’ve swung too far to the opposite extreme - resulting in “playing small,” “settling for less” than what I may actually still want (and perhaps even need) deep down, squandering talents & potentials while logically rationalizing it under the guise of some ‘enlightened’ philosophy satisfying to the spiritual ego.
Indeed, there are points in/on the emotional waves where I feel content. But, have I been gaslighting myself to focus on them and spout a narrative that I ‘am’ content - at the frequent exclusion of all other evidence to support the contrary (i.e. the frequent restlessness & ceaseless debate over where to go next)…?
What to do here, with this? (Or is the thinking there’s anything to do at all part of what sustains these loops - nothing at all to actually do, in the ways the mind would approach the question, other than observe these dynamics and let something emerge organically in the space that’s been occupied with incessant stubbornness to ‘try figure things out’ & resistance to what is…?)
In the same window of reflection on the goals bit evoked by the coaching offer, having wondered what topic(s) of focus it oughta be on if accepted…
“I’m content being single right now.”
Which is true. But, is that the whole truth? Or to what degree have I conveniently latched onto that narrative as an effective bypass and reason to avoid the triggers & responsibilities that would inevitably come with opening up to another relationship? Yeah, I don’t want to date or get into another relationship anytime soon. Truth. But, what deeper needs for intimacy, connection & love have I suppressed/repressed as part of simplifying my position on the matter to that basic conclusion?
“I’m not that into white girls anymore, ever since my first trip to Thailand. I know I don’t fit with conventional cultural values & paradigms of relationships, can’t / don’t want to do the traditional family thing, and am so damn picky there’d be practically zero women I’d actually vibe with in Canada. I’m not interested in abc, won’t settle for lmnop, can’t flex/adapt myself & my standards to fit xyz. So fuck it, I’ll just focus on ‘doing my thing’ for now, refine my vibe, “trusting” that it’ll attract the “right” women in due time.”
All true.
While also providing the sound logic to keep myself locked away indefinitely in the safe, little comfort zone of isolation, entirely shut off from the growth, richness & aliveness of life that is only available in relationship.
Yeah, I do feel that remaining celibate since having separated 5.5 years ago has been a choice that’s served better than rushing into anything prematurely would’ve been and that there’s immense value in it. And, I’ve also begun to question the degree of resignation & self-betrayal that’s been allowed to germinate in the repeated choice to keep closed to possibilities.
It may have been especially easy to keep on such a track while living in such a small mountain town with practically zero women I’ve come across that piqued any sort of interest, versus somewhere like Bali packed full of hot-ass girls in bikinis everywhere or somewhere like Kelowna in the summer, which has always had an abundance of quality eye-candy. When there’s no supply / temptation, why even bother put any attention/focus on what you can’t have. Surrender to the current chapter - head down, working on self & music. But how long can a person go on denying their fundamental biological drives, attractions & desires? How long can one gaslight themselves to think they aren’t still down in there somewhere beneath the mind’s stories justifying the preservation of “contentment” in a comfort zone - effectively engaging cognitive bias to validate logically-sound avoidant strategies at the cost of acknowledging & accepting one’s deeper, true wants & needs…?
T’was over Mexican with parents a couple nights ago this one started coming through strong enough to make its way into such an explorative writing of these topics - a goregous blond, probably 18 or 19, seated directly in my view at the next table; my line of sight at looking across at my mother, straight aligned with hers as she looked left towards hers. It’s alot easier to deny one’s masculine instincts when tucked away in a hermit cave in a small town with no stunning women in sight than when a young, drop-dead beauty is seven feet infront of ya.
Content in singledom & celibacy? Perhaps… to a point. Slowly dying inside as gaslighting myself further along into/with that narrative at the expense of radical self-honesty? Maybe.
And again… so what now, from here?
(Albeit, probably wiser to not open the Pandora’s Box of complexities this topic could further branch off into with this post. Ha.)
Being human is quite the journey at times.
The above triad of exact experiences might be somewhat ‘unique’ to my path and/or different than yours. Though, if the principle-threads weaved between them were articulated well-enough, something should have been activated by now. (Your welcome / sorry. 😹☯️)
I can’t speak for all 8 billion people on this planet. But, it’s probably safe to say that most of us gaslight ourselves in some/different ways at different points in our lives. (Then again, maybe that is just another false narrative; after all, who am I to dictate the psychological truths of billions of people.) Living according to values that aren’t truly ours, telling ourselves stories than justify the incongruency. Believing things & ideas that have elements of truth to/in them, while closing us off to a deeper complexity of truths - done mostly unconsciously to preserve ego’s comfort zones of illusory control & certainty. There are probably alot of us humans that’ve spent good chunks of our lives living in mediocrity, comparatively to what could be were we to be more honest with ourselves, and cleverly spin narratives justifying why we’re “content,” “happy,” or whatnot - selectively focusing on some things to validate that, while other aspects of ourselves continue underacknowledged, neglected, and unsatisfied.
So is part of the journey.
And what to do from here/there?
One camp might whip out some predictable platitudes of motivational/inspirational dogma, insisting to ‘illuminate the shadows’ and strive for ‘better/higher,’ propagating narratives of “empowerment” or whatever. Others, some more relaxed “spiritual” stuff about ‘surrender,’ ‘detachment,’ ‘observation,’ yada yada yada. And as much as there appear to be elements of both those sides of programming/conditioning still present in my psyche - or at least being tapped into in the field of awareness and being drawn upon for reference here - I’m gonna take a different approach in ending this… no sugar-coating, cherry on top, or feel-good motivational spin at the end. Rather, concluding with a blunt confession: I don’t fucking know.
(Or maybe I do, already having spelt it all out here - the “answers” not black or white, but the yin-yang duality of both ends of the spectrum truthfully existing simultaneously… perhaps even no “answers,” per se - as the questions only exist at a certain level of awareness; whereas the understanding/clarity we’ve been conditioned to seek through “answers” comes at a higher level up, the questions themselves sorta dissolving in the light.)
Of course, to each their own.
Some of us may like, want, need the narratives we tell ourselves. Sometimes we may be incapable of “radical self-honesty” and even need to engage full-on in narcissistically-abusive relationships with our own egos as part of this process of soul growth, gaining experience as the lead to transmute to gold later down the path.
Or maybe even that alchemical narrative is something to ease up on. True, though still only a half-truth in some, both all, situations - one that can’t accurately be imposed on anyone else, and may even be counterproductive when ‘believed in’ too much for oneself, turning life into some overly serious matter when it might just be better to shut up, enjoy the simple things, and laugh at ourselves.
Yada, yada, yada. 🫠