There are some things you won’t know how to talk about because you don’t speak the language as most people listening.
It’s not about the words themselves but about the meaning behind words, the interpretation. You can’t express divine intervention to someone who doesn’t believe in the divine, and you can’t talk about love to someone who has never experienced it.
You can try, and maybe you should, but what is said and what is heard won’t be the same thing.
So when I talk about the things that have held me back, I don’t have the words ready to make sure I am understood. Whether or not I am understood depends on who is reading.
If fear manifests into reality, what are the fears I’ve manifested? “Who would you lose if you became the person you want to become?”
I thought about that long and hard and I am not sure I am scared of losing anyone anymore. Of course there are people I want to keep in my life but I believe they are on this ride with me and so there is no fear of losing them that’s holding me back…
Maybe I’m still a bit scared of losing the safety of being invisible? Maybe I’m a tiny bit scared of unwanted attention still? Maybe I am a little worried that no one will care and I will lose my sense of purpose?
That’s probably it.
I’m scared that if I give it my all and still fail, I’ll have nothing left. I’ve already failed so much that failure isn’t all that scary to me anymore but that feeling of having nothing left to hope for, nothing left to dream of, to be an empty shell, that may still scare me a little.
More than that I feel myself at odds with the fears of the collective. If your fear can become a ghost that haunts you, what of the fears of others? Is it possible that their fears can haunt you too?
If you push up hard enough against the reality of the masses, it is essentially a battle of will. Whose will is stronger? What if it’s you vs. 100? You vs. 1000? 1,000,000? Could you remain just as convicted if it was you vs. the entire world? What does that level of conviction do to a person? Is it healthy? What if it’s right?
What if they don’t want to open their eyes? Do they even deserve the truth? What if you get it wrong, even just a little?
Conviction is a scary thing, actually. It doesn’t need conflict with humility, but it sure is easy to fall into that trap. Where does one get such conviction? How does one maintain it?
In my case, I feel myself conviction comes from experience. Trial and error. But I know my perspective is limited, unique as it may be. I may practice self awareness and test myself, but everyone has blind spots.
And so I guess what I’m scared of is this balance between conviction and humility. The power of will but the grace of acceptance. Two polar opposites held in each hand, blending together to create reality. One wrong move and….
It’d be easier if I had no idea what I was doing. The fool sets off on a journey…but at some point they gain wisdom….but they either wisdom new challenges arise.
I may not be the Fool any more, but at the end of the journey, the hero stands up on the cliff with new insights and sees a new adventure worth setting off on, and becomes the fool again.
So rather than think that I know it all or think that I know nothing, and aware that either could be the case, I’m better off just focusing on what’s in front of me, because there is power in the moment.
I’m just getting some thoughts off my chest, there is so much more I could say but that would require a novel, and I’ve already written 3 of those. Perhaps before long I should begin the fourth.
Love you all. ❤️
