Yesterday, an acquaintance told me about what was on her mind these days. She seems troubled by the behavior of her boyfriend. She didn't express any desire to break up with him but as I listened to her describe the situation, I recognized a lot of his behavioral patterns and thought she might be better off being very direct and setting some boundaries with him.
The problem isn't just his alone, it's cultural, and by that, I don't mean related to Japanese culture. It's the culture of social people, specifically drinking culture internationally, and more specifically, the drinking culture of students and people who aren't that invested in their work.
Every night he goes out with friends. He invites her, but she can't keep up with him and only joins him 2 or 3 nights a week. He will drink until 9 AM in the morning with them, and then the next day say "I wish I hadn't done that, it's a waste of time", and then he'll do the very same thing again.
It's not that he wants to stay out all night, it's that the people he likes are there and he doesn't know how to say no to them.
He will plan on going home at midnight, but then a bunch of friends push him to go on to the next place for more drinks, and since he doesn't want to be the only one to go home early, he says "OK, one more hour" which usually turns into 3. Then when everyone is drunk they are even more clingy and persuasive about staying out.
He says he wants to be full time artist, but from what I hear he isn't really doing a whole lot to achieve that. He books events but then he's so hungover and tired for them that he dreads them when they are coming up. He seems far more interested in socializing then doing anything.
Listening to her story, I'm reminded of my late teens and early 20's. I had so many dreams and was doing very little work to achieve them. I wanted to create things so bad, but all I could bring myself to do was talk about how much I wanted to do those things.
I didn't stay out when I had work the next day, but basically all of my time was spent working/studying or playing. I didn't have reflective time. I didn't have a chance to really sit back and enjoy the moment. Most importantly, I didn't make any time or space to work on myself and my projects.
It wasn't that I had a great time every single night. I guess you could say I had a good time around a third of the time. At the time, I can remember just not wanting to be home so bad, not wanting to be alone.
The real issue was that I was running from something.
My dreams felt big. Too big. I looked at my favorite songwriters and wanted to be able to make songs like them. I wanted to speak more languages. I wanted to collaborate with brilliant people. But I didn't feel brilliant. I had an inkling that under some conditions I was capable of writing great songs, but to write songs as well as them felt...well...impossible. "Maybe some day, after I'm way way way better than I am right now"
Then there was the issue of how to achieve these goals and make a living in the process. I knew just how hard it was to earn a living as a musician or a writer because I knew lots of them. They were all struggling in some way or another, and most had issues with money, relationships and addiction.
This is not to say that artists have these issues more than other people, but that their dreams are bigger and so these issues become more detrimental to achieving what they aim to achieve.
I had lots of goals but none of them felt realistic. They were all long term goals. On top of that, I had lots of relationships built around a lack mentality and fueled by addiction. We were addicted to each others company. We didn't necessarily have any deep sense of appreciation for each other, although we may have liked each other.
We didn't know how to appreciate anything because we were constantly in a state of victimhood. "Why is it so damn hard!" "Why does rent cost so much?" "Why can't work be more fun?" "Why don't more people come to my show?"
But even more than that, there were all kinds of things we talked and thought about that weren't relevant to us at all. Non-consequential political debates. Gossip and rumors. Complaining about things that we had no control over, or that we'd rather complain about than do anything about.
I was easily swayed by friends to do things I didn't want to do because I felt that I would make them unhappy if I didn't do things their way, and I didn't want to lose them or to upset them.
Looking back on it now, I think it's silly that anyone would have disliked or created distance with me or stopped wanting to hang out with me because I was sleepy and wanted to go home. I find it silly that we would travel together and go absolutely everywhere together, instead of splitting up half the time to go do what we really want to do. I find it ridiculous that I could spend 5 days a week talking to the same people about the same things without making any progress on anything.
I still have friends who engage in that kind of behavior, and in some cases, we are more distant that we might be if I were to join them every night. But that's perfect. I don't need to kill 2 hours a night with you. I have shit to do.
I'm building. I'm growing. I'm evolving. I'm creating. I'm sharing stuff. I like you, but let's talk when we have something to talk about, and if that is too hard for you, then I guess you didn't really like me to begin with, you just wanted someone to give you attention so you can distract yourself from your own shit.
I look at the people I get along with the most and the people I respect the most and they all have a habit of creating healthy boundaries. They care how others feel but they don't sacrifice their own happiness in order to please the lack based insecurities of their friends. They know when they need to say no for their own well-being and their own state of mind. They'll try to help whenever they can, but not to their own detriment. They also don't demand that anyone else sacrifices their own well-being for them.
A relationship where you need to sacrifice your happiness for someone else is toxic. Of course if they are kids or dependents there is an extra layer of complexity to it, but ideally, we should be having kids when we are ready to sacrifice much of our free time and energy for the sake of someone else. Ideally we should be agreeing to take care of family members once we can afford to. With friends there really is no excuse.
Anyone asking you to do something you don't want to do, especially anyone who insists on it, won't actually be happy when they convince you. They don't know how to be happy. They are in a state of lack. They don't know how to love deeply. Their love is equal to dependence. It doesn't mean they are hopeless and need to be abandoned at all costs. It means you need to set boundaries.
Once you set boundaries, the ball is in their court and it's really just a matter of whether they can find that true like or love or appreciation within themselves to keep you around. You need to be ok with that, otherwise you aren't really liking or loving or appreciating them either. If they don't want to keep you around because you don't sacrifice your own comfort for them, it's not saying anything about you, it's saying something about them.
Compromises can be made, "I'll with you to an amusement park even though it's not my thing because you went with me to the concert even though it's not your thing" but both ends of this bargain can be made willingly and without regret, with a desire to make the other person happy, without any conditions or punishments if you don't agree to join them.
Healthy boundaries look like sticking to your plan when you feel it's the best thing for you. If you tell your friends you need to go home at 9 PM, go home at 9 PM, unless you really change your mind and truly feel it's more important to stay out with them. Don't drink when you don't want to drink. Don't go places you don't enjoy unless it's occasionally and the person you go with is really worth it to you.
Don't lend money you don't feel comfortable lending. Don't give time you don't want to give. Don't do favors you don't feel like doing.
It may sound cold and uncaring, but if you give yourself enough space to follow your own rhythm, you start to find enjoyment for some of these things, and THEN you can really make a difference in peoples lives.
This kind of change in behavior towards other people can lead to all kinds of drama and misunderstandings, so it's important to communicate the why and how of it. If you can avoid getting triggered by their response and continue to express that you care about them, then eventually they either calm down and learn to respect your boundaries, or they'll disappear and you are probably better off.
A friend was bringing me down with his complaining and political debates all the time so I told him "Yo, I care about your bro, and I like spending time with you, but I feel like shit when we talk about this. If you can't change the topic, I'm gonna hang out with you less, and I don't want to hang out with you less, but the ball is in your court. Please don't pull me into these debates anymore, at least not this much."
We had an argument and were a little awkward for a week and we've been really really good ever since.
I said the same thing to a dude who would objectify women constantly. I said "Hey, it's fun talking about who we are into and what we are into and our experiences and all that and you can make jokes, but stop talking to me about women as if they aren't human and don't deserve respect. I don't like the lying and manipulation and verbal abuse. I don't want to hear it. It's dumb AF."
That guy disappeared from my life soon after and I became better for it.
I had friends who used to pressure me to drink and I started saying no more firmly. Some stuck around and some didn't. I found new friends who drink and understand I don't want to drink as much as them or go out as much as them and we are still close.
The point is, setting the right boundaries makes it easier to manage your life and figure out what motivates you. From there you can make better decisions and slowly improve your overall mindset and habits. It also makes you more genuine and carry less resentment towards other people. It gives you more power over your own life.
As for dreams and goals, I’ve found it much much more effective to focus on meaningful short term goals and treat the long term goals just as a general direction to move in. It’s impossible to feel inspired or motivated when you are working towards something that feels impossible or unlikely.
I wish I could say all this to my acquaintances boyfriend, but I haven't met him, so I tried to say it all to her, and hopefully she can start introducing these ideas to him as she starts respecting her own boundaries and leading him by example.
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