I am heading to a friend's birthday dinner tonight - alone. We were both invited for a "K-18+" (adults only) evening in the city, but unfortunately, we don't have a babysitter to look after Smallsteps - so one of us had to be home. I volunteered, but because my wife was out with her friends a couple weeks ago, she decided that it was my turn to go out. I don't have much decision-making power at home.
Or out of the home, for that matter.
It should be a nice evening still, but it is also a little weird in the sense that other than the birthday girl and her partner (a very good friend of mine), the rest of the group are her family and friends, and I don't know any of them. It is especially rare these days, but I quite like the "challenge" of it, as I used to be good in group situations with strangers. It reminds me of when I first came to Finland, and knew almost no one. The difference these days, is that my confidence is at an all time low.
Confidence is an interesting thing. For example, when I was teaching business English, a lot of Finns would want to improve their confidence in speaking, but they thought in order to do so, they needed to know more words and have better grammar. As I explained to them then, that isn't where the confidence comes from. For example, an Italian with a thick accent, poor vocabulary and terrible grammar, can still speak confidently in English.
So what is the difference?
Confidence isn't in what a person knows, it is in the personality itself, and while we might always be the same person throughout our lives, our personality goes through constant changes from moment to moment. Although it is usually quite minor in short timeframes, over time, we can have quite big differences in some areas. And of course if like me, trauma can affect it very quickly to a high degree. And in these situations, confidence can be "rocked" because the personality changes, the person I am is no longer familiar and recognisable.
I am in the presence of a stranger - and that stranger is me.
And this has created a bit of an issue for me when I am with others, as I don't really know who I am in their presence, can't trust what I am going to say or how it is going to come out, and have lost a a lot of the ability to judge possible reactions fast enough. Essentially, words tumble out of my mouth before my brain has processed what they will be, or the impact they will have on others.
Some people have the "gift of the gab", where they are able to speak clearly, confidently and persuasively easily. For some it is a talent and for others they have to learn through practice and trial and error, but it is a skill that while I had at a decent level earlier, I definitely do not have now. I wasn't that great at it through my words, but in combination with my previous ability to observe and predict behaviour, I did okay.
The gift is gone.
And this is the crux of confidence, isn't it? I don't trust myself. That is where confidence comes from, whether it is appropriate trust, or misplaced trust. Confidence is a probability rating that predicts success or failure, and my rating of myself has plummeted since I can no longer trust what I am going to say on-the-fly, fast enough. But, I am still aware enough to see the effect what I say has on others - unlike someone further along the spectrum. So I have little control over what I say, but will be "punished" for it all the same.
So I have become less talkative.
Which is not my former personality.
But it is not just socially that I have lost my confidence, it is in every aspect of life I am able to reflect upon, where I don't trust my body, nor my thinking ability, nor my emotional response. It has affected everything from the way I write, to the way I trade, to the way I parent, to the way I experience life in total. It has been quite a strange experience to still be "me" but not be me.
But this is the me I have, and since I cannot body-swap, it is the me IK am going to have to live out my life with, regardless of the experience, or impacts. Yeah, I can possibly improve this body, mind and emotional framework, but I feel my best is never going to be that great in any of those regards. This again impacts on my confidence, as I think that part of our confidence comes from the sense that we can improve further, and we are actively in the improvement process. I am actively in it, but I always feel that it is never going to be enough.
Luckily, feelings aren't important.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
Be part of the Hive discussion.
- Comment on the topics of the article, and add your perspectives and experiences.
- Read and discuss with others who comment and build your personal network
- Engage well with me and others and put in effort
And you may be rewarded.