Like most people, I have a voice in my head that is constantly chattering away, running commentary on all kinds of things, whether wanted or unwelcome. It makes judgements and opinions without thought, and then takes the time to have a thoughtful conversation with itself about what it has seen and judged. And at least for me, it is often very critical of me, what I do, don't do, should do, and choose not to do.
But while often a judgemental and cruel asshole, the voice also gives rise to new ideas and also a glimpse into a world hidden from others. Dreams and wishes that will never eventuate into action, and fantasy worlds that can never be. It is a creative force, as well as a destructive force, that both talks me into things I fear, and talks me out of things I fear. It is simultaneously supporter and devil's advocate, and unfortunately, the voice that holds me back is louder than the one that encourages me forward.
Sometimes I wonder what I might have done or could do if that voice was a little more positive, or the negative a little softer, a little quieter, less overpowering. Maybe I could have done something with my life, or perhaps even without doing anything different, I would have a better life through perspective.
Situations are what they are.
I have very little control over much of the situation I face, but I am responsible for my life anyway. And what I do have control over is how I choose to act after events. I can't change my feelings as they happen, nor the spontaneous voice, but the actions after are mine and what I do is going to influence the next series of situations, that will evoke the resulting feelings and words spoken by that voice.
Will it always be negative?
Perhaps it will. But perhaps like the uncontrollable situations, it doesn't matter what the voice says, but what I do with what is said - or whether I listen to the voice at all. Maybe if I stop listening for a while, I might be able to do things that weren't available or possible to me earlier and in so doing, change the experience that feeds that voice and therefore, change the tone and opinion. Maybe it will stay negative, but perhaps it could be a little less frozen by fear.
Maybe the fear is that even if conditions were perfect, there is nothing else there, nothing I have that is left to discover, that this is it. This is me at full potential. And I think that might be sadder than never realising the dreams, even if they were impossible fantasy. Having that fantasy means there is a gap of unknown, a space for growth, but once there are no more excuses, no more voices holding me back, the gap disappears. Fantasy disappears and all that is left is the clarity of a disappointing reality.
I like to believe I have more to offer and fantasise that one day some magic switch will flip and the "real me" will be released upon the world. But that voice also tells me that this is just an illusion of the ego, trying to make me feel better about all the expectations and desires I have had going unmet. And the reality is, that in this case, the voice is right, because unless I am able to overcome the fear to act, this is all I am, all I can be, all my potential offers.
Given the conditions.
But the thing with conditions is, they are conditional. They are not natural law, they are just there as they are right now, but have changed numerous times in the past and will continue to change for eternity into the future. And the conditions I face, I can effect, even if I can't control what consequences the changes will have.
Maybe there is more to me, maybe there is not.
The voice in my head is asking, how I am meant to find out, if I don't push myself to see. And then it is also saying, perhaps it is better not to push, just in case I don't like what I find. The voice says to stay comfortable in the unknowing.
It doesn't feel like me.
Taraz
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