The discussion with the therapist today kept breaching the border between psychology and philosophy, which are the kinds of discussions I like to have. I don't know if this is going to help me, but it is good to have someone skilled to talk with, who is interested in the topics and is willing to push back, as well as ask good questions and provide good insights. After a handful of sessions already, she listed some of the challenges I have faced throughout the years, and how there is quite a list.
So what is life trying to tell me?
For a long time, I have believed that while there are no guarantees on the outcome, having a good, consistent process should on average lead to better results. However, that hasn't actually been my experience in life at all. As I joked today, I must have been pretty bad in my last life. While there is a lot more I could have done differently, overall, my processes shouldn't have resulted in this many bad outcomes. And, my "luck" is pretty poor as well.
Now, there are a lot of people out there in a much worse position than myself, but like the therapist mentioned, there is quite a list of let's say, "mid-level" events that have made quite heavy and regular impacts on my life, that have lasted for multiple years, or will be with me always, and they have been consistently happening throughout my entire life.
Is it bad process?
I guess it is, but I am not quite sure what is wrong in it, nor what would be right to change too. But, what the therapist said is that normally change of some kind is needed. But, what does that actually mean in practice, if I am unable to identify where things are out of alignment in the first place? Because random change is not likely to lead to better results and often will do more damage than staying the same.
If I am to make process changes though, I guess this is the time to do it, as there are so many other structural changes going on at the moment, that it is a good opportunity to investigate and redefine my habits. Perhaps it will unearth what I am doing so wrong that is leading me down this path of bad outcomes.
Is it an existential crisis?
Maybe life is telling me not to bother. It is saying, "What is the point, stop caring, stop doing, just stop." Perhaps the bad outcomes are the result of a flawed foundational belief, that there can be meaning in life. Maybe nature is doing what it does and weeding out the weakest by stressing me until I am unable to cope. Under enough pressure, everything gets crushed, right?
I don't know. But I might still have a few decades in front of me, and I don't want to spend them suffering the same outcomes as the last four decades behind. So, I guess I better work out what I need to change and then go about changing it before it is too late to do anything at all.
Doing nothing sounds pretty good though....
Taraz
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