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Abandoned. That’s what I have been all my life. My mother abandoned me when I was a little child. She died. But she did abandon me, right? That’s what I thought. Why me? Why her?
Losing a parent makes one experience abandonment over and over again. It's funny really. How people know you are in pain yet do so little to help you. You are expected to grieve, but get over it soon. Its only pity you see in their eyes. It’s bizarre to see your close ones offer such little support. My relatives had the audacity to blame me for her death. A thirteen-year-old girl.
Their reason?
Why did you fall ill. It made her stressed and she ended up dead. They liked playing God.
Abandoned. Once again.
My father thought avoiding talk about my mother would somehow make everything better. That’s what he has always done. Ignore the issue and it won’t be there anymore. Little did he know it just made everything worse. It just made me detached from reality, as if I was floating above the ground looking down at my life. It didn’t feel real, it numbed the pain. But it didn’t show me how to cope and deal with the gaping hole she had left in my life. I was clueless once again.
Abandoned by my father….
Death brings us closer? Or is it farther apart? I’m not sure. To think shared pain would bring me closer to my sisters. I guess we were all drowning in our own pain. We forgot to swim towards each other. For a long time, I swam towards them, while they swam in the opposite direction. They found their shores, while I remained stranded.
Abandoned. Yet again by my sisters.
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During all this abandoning, there was the greatest of all evil that was happening. A little girl got trapped twenty years ago, and lives on...abandoned,
waiting to be heard,
to be seen,
to be soothed,
by the thirty-two-year-old woman who thinks about all the people who abandoned her, yet fails to remember the little girl she abandoned herself.
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Sweet inner child, I remember you. I love you, and I can feel what you went through. I cannot imagine how you are alive, living within me…in the darkness. Waiting for this foolish woman to stop pitying herself and start loving everything she was, is, and will be.
A tribute to all abandoned inner children.