Finally, I'm beginning to shake off this sinking feeling, that has been a part of my life these last few months. I was going to write weeks, but if I'm being honesty, it's been much longer. All, whilst continuing to struggle with opening up and asking for help. I've been making my own way for so long now, that it is heavily imprinted in me, to just go it alone. Because at the end of the day, who else can you really rely on?
I thought that way for so long, throw in being stubborn on top of that and eventually things can go downhill. In some ways I'm proud that I can do so much, carry so much, hold so much. But, it's sure as hell not easy, so it's important that I accept that and speak out. Ask for help sometimes. Put aside my pride and really face who I am and who I am becoming.
I don't want my girls to see me struggle, so much. I want them to see, how supportive family and friends are. But first, they need to know when they are needed and that is up to each one of us. Of course I want it for myself as well. But being a good role model for my girls, is also a wonderful motivator in my life.
Since Sunday, when I gathered with my friends/sisters, I have felt a weight lift. I had been experiencing a lot of heat and pressure in the top of my head. Which was literally representing how overwhelmed I was feeling. Some of my friends visited me on Tuesday and helped me clean outside, around my truck. Two friends, have delivered me food, so that I have not had to cook dinner. Which has really helped.
Then last night, I went to Biodanza, for the first time in quite a few months. I have this habit, of always turning away from the things that could help me. Which I know, is part of my journey with self worth. With suffering being a part of my life from a young age, it's familiarity, is almost comforting, if that makes sense. It's hard to break away from it, that beliefm that you need to suffer in order to live.
That's why I also have a habit, of not making things easy for myself. Because it's been ingrained in me. Yes I know how to have fun, how to enjoy life, because I also know what it is like to be scared, to be in pain, to suffer. They can co exist, but as I have gotten older, I have seen how I would automatically chose to make things more difficult. Like refusing help, pushing myself, stretching myself. Always taking the long road.
Don't get me wrong, the long road, can be the better road sometimes. But it doesn't have to be the only road, the only way.
( All the photos in this post are mine.)
