So here I am again, faced with someone telling me, that I'm not making enough of an effort with them. I'm not in a relationship with this person, they are someone I have got to know recently. I can't say anymore, because my honesty on here, came back to bite me before. I forgot sometimes that other people can read what we write on here and it's not just between me and those within the Hive Community.
And I have shared a lot.
So here I am again, feeling like I almost have to justify myself. Explain that I am a solo mother. Yes my eldest is away, but my youngest's best friend has been with us for over a week now. So my hands are quite full.
On top of that is the heat and everything else I've been going through in the last few months. Hearing that person, express that, made me realise how they just don't see me.
Or understand me.
If I have free time, I like to take it for myself. For sure I socialise a little, but I also really enjoy being home. In my space, in nature.
I need this for my well being. Because my life is very full and I like to remain in balance. I can't ignore what I need.
But it's tough perhaps, for others to understand. I just don't know what sort of a friendship I can have with someone, who does not see, how full my life is. Who instead, expects me to stretch myself even further.
I also know there is a lesson, in this for me, but so soon again?
In the end I reminded that person, how busy I am in general, but even more so, in the last few months. So yes, there I was, justifying myself.
It's not sat well with me, this person is in my life now for a little while anyway, there is no avoiding them. But, they still feel the same though.
Me, it left me deflated. Reflecting, on why I end up in situations, where people demand more of my time, more than I feel comfortable giving.
Really testing my boundaries, my guilt, this ingrained belief that I should really look after others.
Damn it hits hard, taking the wind out of me. Knowing, that I have still to learn, how to really stand my ground, when it comes to my own well being.
Cos God dam it, I'm worth it. Just as we all are. But it's so hard to follow that thought, to live it, to give it life.
I'm trying though. To break this, one of my biggest cycles. It's just, that it's spread through the whole of me, buried itself in far away places, its really dug in and it's stubborn as hell.
