The moment you step on awareness, it feels like opening your eyes in the middle of an ocean. You see the depth beneath you with clarity. It's holding the truth without a strong foundation to handle it's weight.
You see behind the smiles of people, the insecurity, the performance and even hope. Being able to see this starts to feel like something in between a blessing and a curse.
You feel the pain of others like it's your pain. Your emotional boundaries starts to dissolve and you absorb the pain around you like a sponge.
You no longer fall in love like you used to, you dip your toe a little bit, because going all in feels like drowning in pain and joy together. It feels reckless to go all in.
You can be able to see the healthy and unhealthy habits, a clear path to walk into an healthy ones, but you watch yourself fail to walk it. You see the gap between what you could be and what you are. You know the relationship is toxic but you stay. You know you should live by your truth, but you people please. It feels like the bridge between your awareness and integrating hasn't been built. So you just stand on one side staring at the others.
You try to describe yourself and you situation to try to get others to understand you, but their response doesn't feel as deep as what you feel. Sometimes, others feel like what you're describing is just a joke. So you just sit there thinking they misunderstood you. You crave for a home, where others see what you see. You feel like you are the only one awake in a sleeping world.
The awareness that should have brought peace now feel like chaos. When you look inwards, you see what you are made of, why you act that way, why you make certain decisions. The inherited traumas and assumed identities now makes you question who you really are. You fail to find an answer and the emptiness kicks in.
You get trapped in there, and trying to seek meaning, but eventually you start to ground it. You start finding meaning within and integrating the awareness within.