If you're asking why I'm writing about spending my cold day crocheting, I could tell you a short answer or give you a long blog-worthy answer... or maybe both.
The short answer is: nangluod ko (I'm holding a grudge)... or at least my body is. It seems like everyday these days is a cold day.
There were too many events since my last writeup that led me to a point where, my mind just went "you know what.. fuck it. I'm crocheting."
The long "blog-worthy" answer is so much more complicated than that, and I am afraid I'm still not ready to cover it in this post or any time soon.
Let's just say the reason why I have been AWOL all this time was
Work, or to be more specific, work I was reluctant to do (naturally) but still have to do because someone has to.
Aside from that:
One, a series of unfortunate events came one after another as if on a queueing line, and my usual coping mechanisms of working out the rage and frustration I felt couldn't keep up.
Two, unexpected and unwelcomed financial outflows were made, one after the other, summing up to an equivalent of more than a whole month's salary went right out of my pocket because of an unresolved debt that I hardly knew of until recently. I was sort of disappointed and was beating myself up when I should be building my wealth to fuel my dreams. I spent so much until it made me question if I am really living my life right.
Three, to add more salt to the wound, my biggest health-related fear was confirmed and displayed on paper, signed by a professional, and because of it, I stepped into that famous downward spiral I have been edging towards the past few months. I am finally inside it. Wow.
I couldn't work.
I couldn't write.
I spent weeks with no inspiration left when it comes to pole dancing.
I had no energy at all to reply to messages on my phone.
I couldn't look myself in the mirror and find anything substantial or useful and the longer I stayed without any inspiration and motivation, the more I felt sorry for myself and beat myself up for doing so.
There are insomniac nights. Also nights I would drench my system in alcohol, with an absurd notion that somehow I'd "get it together" after.
Let's just say, these are just a vague few of what I had to deal with the recent weeks. There's a whole plethora more that I sleep with every night.
I don't even know what I'm currently crocheting. It's supposed to be something like a halter top. I call it that so that in case if it fails or if I run out of yarn, I'll turn it into a doggy sweater for Chase haha. I'm pretty sure you know Chase from my other posts. He's a bit bigger now but still a pup.
I forgot how crochet and needlework used to be so therapeutic for me back then. It makes my mind focus on the knots and loops I'd make with my hook and fingers instead of self-caused disappointments coming in in piles. It's a good way to turn off the emotional part of the brain in the face of overwhelm. I finally got the switch I need to divert my focus on something else. The one I've been praying for, for quite a while was already right in front of me.
Despite how things are looking at the moment, it's always good to still acknowledge things I am thankful for, at least then I'd be giving a bit of justice for my efforts because let's face it, I'm at a point where thinking about things like these aren't easy 😂. There are times I wish that the list would be longer, but for now, I'll just give myself a pat in the back for being able to come up with this three:
One, in the middle of this health crisis, I am COVID-free and physically healthy as hell. From this alone, I know I'm more blessed than the ones fighting for their lives in hospitals and the front liners who work so hard to save them despite the lack of moral, financial and institutional support they are being given. I know I am more blessed than the women and children in Afghanistan at the moment and all the horrors they have to live through under the Taliban.
Two, I have such wonderful friends and my boyfriend who remind me that there is so much more to life than what I have to achieve, and there's so much more to it than satisfying my broken ego's itching tendencies to prove my worth. When I find myself in a state of burnout and overwhelm (which happens quite often these days), they are the ones I go to these days.
Three, I am constantly reminded on how much I am blessed. These days, being reminded on the good things happening around the world inside my own world is a constant struggle. In the midst of so much bad news, I find myself always reminded to hustle because I feel like I am not doing enough. In the midst of my isolation, I find myself always reminded on where I fall short. These reminders often come from social media, and sometimes the words that even utter it come from friends and even from my own blood relatives. In the midst of being reminded of how much I still lack, where I fall short, or how much bad there is in the world, maybe that's why it feels so good to be reminded of how much I still have and the good there still is in the world.
I have been told a lot that I should slow down. In fact, in one of my Sundays, I heard a quote that slowing down allows our soul to catch up.
"Slowing down allows our soul to catch up."
It takes a long time to sink in, especially when this Western capitalist-influenced world is always telling to always be on the hustle. I see the value in hustling I can assure you, but it shouldn't be everything. It shouldn't eat your soul, all the more during a period where the world's economy has crippled.
Stillness is a necessity. I don't know about you, but I'll be running back to my crochet kit on gloomy days such as this, and continue talking about the thoughts that come with it.
If you're feeling overwhelmed, confused, lost, lonely or depressed, similar to what I had been for the past (month?), do yourself a favor and crochet on your cold days or take out your watercolors and crayons and just color away. Take out your beads and make a pretty necklace, drink some tea while you're at it, or if you're a fan of ramen, make a bowl with some onions on the side if you're into onions. We all need a bit of stillness in this world, and a lot of self-kindness 💚
Roxanne Marie is the twenty-year-old something who calls herself the Protean Creator.
She is a chemical engineer by profession, pole-dancer and blogger by passion and frustration, and lastly, a life enthusiast. She is on a mission to rediscover her truth through the messy iterative process of learning, relearning and unlearning. Currently, she works as a science and research instructor in her hometown, Tagbilaran City, all the while documenting her misadventures, reflections and shenanigans as a working-class millennial here on Hive.
If you like her content, don't forget to upvote and leave a comment to show some love. It would be an honor to have this post reblogged as well. Also, don't forget to follow her to be updated with her latest posts.