Que hubiera dicho ante una situación X?, me pasó muchas veces, en algunas ocasiones mi papel fue sumiso, no supe que decir y me arrepentía por lo que no dije. También recreaba en mi mente la escena una y otra vez, pensando en lo que tenía que haber dicho, pero ya era tarde, sinceramente era algo que me costaba, como si me agarraran fuera de base, me quedaba callada. En otros casos, era todo lo contrario, no era ecuánime, me desesperaba y al final no expresaba las cosas con claridad, eso también era frustrante. La escena volvía una y otra vez a mi mente y con ella lo que me hubiera gustado decir y nunca dije.

Cuando era niña, quizás tendría yo unos 9 años, mi prima y yo ensayamos un dialogo de una supuesta discusión que tendríamos con un par de vecinitas. Supusimos lo que ellas responderían, sin embargo, cuando llegó el día, no pudimos hacerlo porque no nos dejaron hablar y nos quedamos con el dialogo frustrado y frío. Lo que sí puedo decir con respecto a esto, es que quedó como una anécdota muy divertida, que me causa muchísima risa, hoy la recordé y me reí demasiado, que ocurrencias la de nosotros los niños.

Ese fue un lado repleto de mucho humor de lo que pude haber dicho y con lo que realmente me encontré, pero hubo una situación en mi adolescencia que me afectó y que siempre regresaba a mi mente, pensaba en lo que debí decir y no dije. Quizás me afectó porque fue algo injusto, de verdad no lo merecía, que nunca pude resolver ni será resuelto. Ya de adulta, siempre pensaba en aquella situación y en lo que pude haber dicho, me sentí como una tonta por quedarme callada. Resulta que tenía unas vecinitas bastante complicadas, en fin, muy tóxicas, razones más que suficientes para dejarles de hablar. Ellas no me querían para nada y esperaban cualquier situación para atacarme.

Recuerdo que fue una noche, eran como las 7 pm, yo estaba en el porche y ellas estaban del lado afuera, en una de las esquinas de mi casa, estaban conversando y riendo a carcajadas. A mí no me molestaba la situación, pero esa noche, también estaba un niño que siempre merodeaba la casa, él estaba allí, mirando, de pronto se quejó de las muchachas en voz baja. No obstante, eso no fue lo peor, de repente se quitó de la reja de mi casa y fue hasta donde estaban ellas y les dijo que yo había mandado a decir “que se callaran porque me molestaba el ruido que hacían”. Que pasó?, que mi vecinita que no me quería para nada se levantó y muy molesta me hizo la pregunta retórica: Quién está haciendo ruido?, y a esa pregunta la acompañaron otras frases nada agradables, que incluso, hasta sus acompañantes aprovecharon de hacer comentarios despectivos, ya se imaginan la escena.

Como reaccioné yo?, me quedé atónita, sin saber que decir, esa actitud me hizo quedar muy mal parada, en todos los sentidos. En resumen, sentí mucha impotencia y me quedé callada. Los años pasaron y yo siempre recordaba lo injusto de aquella noche, yo no dije nada y me gané un problema. Además, siempre pensaba que no me defendí y en lo que pude haber dicho, poner a todo el mundo en su lugar, al niño y a ella por supuesto.

Si voy a recrear la escena, dejaría todo igual, el mismo escenario, la misma hora y los mismos actores, solo cambiaría mi actitud y le pondría mi discurso, lo que yo diría en respuesta a aquella pregunta retórica.

Hylene74: - Un momento!, yo no mandé a decir nada de eso, eso fue iniciativa de este niño, si yo tengo algo que decir, voy y te lo digo yo. Luego, volteando mi atención hacia el niño le diría: - Porque dijiste que yo había dicho eso si sabes que no es verdad?, que lo dijiste tú, eso no se hace y te agradezco que te vayas a tu casa.

Años después de aquel episodio siempre recordado, me imaginaba que aquella vecina (que nunca más me habló), si me volviera a decir algo desagradable, jamás lo dejaría pasar, me defendería. Ella tenía varios años que se había ido a vivir a otra cuidad, y si, la llegué a ver, nunca me dijo nada. En su mente quedó grabada su ruidosa reunión con aquellas amigas de la cual yo me había quejado y ante su reclamo nunca respondí…..supongo. Tiempo después, me enteré que murió sola en su casa de un infarto. Con el pasar de los años he aprendido a expresar mi inconformidades, a decirlas con claridad y a no quedarme con pensamientos de lo que pude haber dicho.

What would I have said in X situation, it happened to me many times, sometimes my role was submissive, I did not know what to say and I regretted what I did not say. I also recreated in my mind the scene over and over again, thinking about what I should have said, but it was too late, honestly it was something that was hard for me, as if I was caught off base, I kept quiet. In other cases, it was the opposite, I was not equanimous, I got desperate and in the end I did not express things clearly, that was also frustrating. The scene came back again and again to my mind and with it what I would have liked to say but never did.

When I was a child, maybe I was about 9 years old, my cousin and I rehearsed a dialogue of a supposed discussion we would have with a couple of neighbors. We assumed what they would answer, however, when the day came, we couldn't do it because they wouldn't let us talk and we were left with a frustrated and cold dialogue. What I can say about this is that it remained as a very funny anecdote, which makes me laugh a lot, today I remembered it and I laughed a lot, what an occurrence for us children.

That was a side full of a lot of humor of what I could have said and what I really came across, but there was a situation in my adolescence that affected me and that always came back to my mind, I thought about what I should have said and I didn't. Maybe it affected me because it was something unfair, I really didn't deserve it, that I could never resolve and will never be resolved. Maybe it affected me because it was something unfair, I really didn't deserve it, that I could never resolve and will never be resolved. As an adult, I always thought about that situation and what I could have said, I felt like a fool for keeping quiet. It turns out that I had some very complicated neighbors, in short, very toxic, more than enough reasons to stop talking to them. They didn't like me at all and were waiting for any situation to attack me.

I remember it was one night, it was about 7 pm, I was on the porch and they were on the outside, in one of the corners of my house, they were talking and laughing loudly. I didn't mind the situation, but that night, there was also a boy who was always hanging around the house, he was there, watching, he suddenly complained about the girls in a low voice. However, that was not the worst of it, he suddenly got off the fence of my house and went to where they were and told them that I had sent to tell them "to shut up because I was bothered by the noise they were making". What happened was that my neighbor, who did not like me at all, got up and very annoyed asked me the rhetorical question: "Who is making noise", and that question was accompanied by other unpleasant phrases, and even her companions took the opportunity to make derogatory comments.

How I reacted, I was stunned, I didn't know what to say, that attitude made me look very bad, in every way. In short, I felt very helpless and I kept quiet. Years went by and I always remembered how unfair that night was, I didn't say anything and I got in trouble. Besides, I always thought that I didn't defend myself and what I could have said, put everyone in their place, the child and her of course.

If I am going to recreate the scene, I would leave everything the same, the same stage, the same time and the same actors, I would only change my attitude and I would put my speech, what I would say in response to that rhetorical question.

Hylene74: - Wait a minute, I didn't say anything like that, that was this child's initiative, if I have something to say, I'll go and tell you myself. Then, turning my attention to the child, I would say: - Why did you say that I said that if you know it is not true, that you said it, that is not done and I thank you for going home.

Years after that episode that I always remember, I imagined that that neighbor (who never spoke to me again), if she said something unpleasant to me again, she would not let it go, she would defend me. It had been several years since she had gone to live in another city, and if I saw her, she never said anything to me. In her mind was engraved her noisy meeting with those friends I had complained about, and to her complaint I never responded ..... I guess. Some time later, I learned that she had died alone at home of a heart attack. Over the years I have learned to express my disagreements, to say them clearly and not to dwell on what I might have said.