No estaba preparada para esto, nadie avisó, nadie me dio un manual para afrontarlo, nadie dijo que dolería tanto. Y es que no llegas a saber lo que se siente hasta que pasas por ello.
Me niego a decir adiós, me niego a soltar, me niego a la idea de que no te veré más, no quiero despedirme, no quiero verte por última vez, no quiero que te vayas.
Y es que ya ni siquiera duele, simplemente me destruyó por dentro hasta llevarse un pedacito de mí. Quiero entrar a tu cuarto a modelarte la ropa con la que iba a salir, quiero volver a decirte "abuela, a qué no adivinas qué pasó?" O simplemente darte un besito en la frente acompañado de un te quiero.
Extraño tu risa, quiero que vuelvas a tocar la puerta de mi casa para pedir que baje el volumen de la música, necesito que vuelvas a darme esos dulces a escondidas, y sin duda deseo que me cuentes otra vez las historias de tu niñez aunque ya me las sepa de memoria.
Abuela, no perdono que te hayas ido sin conocer a mis futuros hijos, no alcanzaste a ver a tu nieta lograr sus objetivos en la vida y ser feliz. Te fuiste sin un último beso, un último adiós y dejaste un vacío eterno en mí.
Sin arrepentimientos abuela, porque sé que me amaste e hiciste mucho por mí, yo por mi parte te di todo mi cariño y no imaginas cuanto quedó por darte. Estuviste para mí cuando te hablaba de las muñecas y juguetes, al igual que estabas cuando hablé de novios y desilusiones amorosas.
Abuela, yo no quería verte en la funeraria y mucho menos en el cementerio, pero lo peor es volver a casa y ver vacío el lugar donde siempre estabas.
Increíblemente la vida no perdona, te llevó de mi lado pero solo físicamente, porque para mí sigues estando en mis pensamientos. En este punto he decidido creerle a todos y compartir la idea de que te fuiste a "descansar".
No es fácil sobrellevar el luto, mis pies ya no sostienen mi cuerpo y mis ojos no contienen más las lágrimas, no hay palabra de consuelo que surtan efecto, y no hay un abrazo suficiente para llenar tu puesto.
Con el paso de los días llegará el momento donde hablaré de ti sin llorar , pero no creas que no me duele, no creas que no me haces falta, por favor, no creas que solo eres un recuerdo.
Todos en casa vamos a seguir sin ti, cada cual a su vida nuevamente, pero nada de estar triste abuela porque te regalo a aquella niña feliz que lo que más quería era acostarse sobre tu regazo para que le contaras esa canción inventada que solo pocos conocen, esa niña se fue contigo y te hará siempre compañía.
Muchos besitos al cielo, nos vemos cuando llegue mi momento de partir.
Todas las fotos son de mi propiedad.
English version
I was not prepared for this, no one warned, no one gave me a manual to deal with it, no one said it would hurt so much. And you don't really know what it feels like until you go through it.
I refuse to say goodbye, I refuse to let go, I refuse the idea that I won't see you anymore, I don't want to say goodbye, I don't want to see you for the last time, I don't want you to leave.
And it doesn't even hurt anymore, it just destroyed me inside until it took a little piece of me. I want to come into your room to model the clothes I was going out in, I want to tell you again "grandma, can't you guess what happened?"Or just give you a little kiss on the forehead accompanied by a I love you.
I miss your laughter, I want you to knock on the door of my house again to ask me to turn down the music volume, I need you to give me those sweets on the sly again, and I certainly want you to tell me the stories of your childhood again even if I already know them by heart.
Grandmother, I do not forgive that you left without meeting my future children, you did not manage to see your granddaughter achieve her goals in life and be happy. You left without one last kiss, one last goodbye and left an eternal void in me.
No regrets Grandma, because I know that you loved me and did a lot for me, I for one gave you all my love and you can't imagine how much was left to give you. You were there for me when I was talking about dolls and toys, just like you were there when I talked about boyfriends and love disappointments.
Grandma, I didn't want to see you at the funeral home, much less at the cemetery, but the worst thing is to come home and see the place where you always were empty.
Incredibly life does not forgive, it took you from my side but only physically, because for me you are still in my thoughts. At this point I have decided to believe everyone and share the idea that you went to "rest".
It is not easy to cope with mourning, my feet no longer support my body and my eyes no longer contain tears, there is no word of comfort that takes effect, and there is not enough hug to fill your post.
With the passing of the days the moment will come when I will talk about you without crying, but don't think that it doesn't hurt me, don't think that I don't need you, please, don't think that you are just a memory.
All of us at home are going to continue without you, each one to his life again, but nothing to be sad grandma because I gave you that happy girl who most wanted to lie on your lap so that you could tell her that invented song that only few know, that girl went with you and will always keep you company.
Many kisses to heaven, see you when my time comes to leave.
All photos are my property.