Aprendiendo a reconocer mis emociones y mi valor | Learning to recognize my emotions and my worth

Como que no me gusta mucho celebrar el día de las Madres, no tengo un buen presedente que me haga anhelar ese día, para empezar no tengo mamá desde muy joven, no guardo recuerdos junto a ella en un día tan especial como el día de las Madres, la tía con la que me crié tampoco era tan dada a ciertas celebraciones y mucho menos a muestras de cariño así que los recuerdos que tengo de las celebraciones de esa fecha en el colegio era solo ir, ver y callar, cuando hablo de callar me refiero a que el detalle que hacíamos junto a la maestra para las Madres se quedaba guardado en una cajita, en una gaveta que luego pasaba a la basura sin que nadie lo notara, el por que no se lo entregaba a mi tía quizás por temor al rechazo, por vergüenza de expresar una emoción y no ser correspondida o simplemente por mi baja autoestima y la timidez que siempre me caracterizó.

I don't really like celebrating Mother's Day. I don't have a good president who makes me look forward to that day. For starters, I haven't had a mother since I was very young, so I don't have any memories with her on such a special day. The aunt I grew up with wasn't very fond of certain celebrations either, much less of showing affection. So, my memories of celebrating that day at school are just of going, seeing, and keeping quiet. When I say keeping quiet, I mean that the little gift we made with the teacher for our mothers would end up in a box, in a drawer, and then be thrown away without anyone noticing. The reason I didn't give it to my aunt was perhaps because of fear of rejection, shame at expressing an emotion and not being reciprocated, or simply because of my low self-esteem and the shyness that has always characterized me.

Luego de ser madre disfrute a mi manera de celebrar, de honrrarme, de regalarme, siempre compraba algo para mi no esperaba que nadie me regalara aunque mis hijos de pequeños siempre me daban obsequios hechos por ellos en la escuela y algunas veces comprados, mucho cariño, me tocó un esposo poco detallista, decía que yo no era su mamá, aunque le daba dinero a los niños para que ellos mismos me compraran algo, por supuesto ese día en mi casa siempre fue tipo normal, un domingo más sin sorpresas, yo misma cocinaba algo diferente, iba donde mi suegra y compartía un rato, así pasaron los años, me conforme con los detalles que me daban mis hijos, yo era feliz tenerlos a todos juntos en ese día, realmente no me hacia falta nada más, no conocía algo más.

After becoming a mother, I enjoyed celebrating in my own way, honoring myself, treating myself. I always bought something for myself; I didn't expect anyone to give me anything, although my children, when they were little, always gave me gifts they made at school and sometimes store-bought ones. It was all very loving. I had a husband who wasn't very thoughtful; he said I wasn't his mother, even though he gave the children money so they could buy me something themselves. Of course, that day at my house was always pretty normal, just another Sunday without surprises. I would cook something different myself, go to my mother-in-law's, and spend some time with her. The years passed like that. I was content with the little things my children gave me. I was happy having them all together on that day; I really didn't need anything else. I didn't know what else was needed.

Hoy que me he hecho mayor empieza a pasarme factura mi conformidad, me incomodaba, me hacia sentir mal ver estados de WhatsApp con mensajes honrrando a las Madres, eso hizo darme cuenta que no soy esa mejor madre del mundo que la mayoría presume en sus redes sociales, este año nadie me dijo madre te quiero, nadie me presumió en sus estados, nadie me preguntó como estas, nadie me compró mi postre favorito, creo que mi familia ni siquiera sabe eso, comí pizza comprada por mi, no quise cocinar este día, se me cayó la máscara esa qué ocultaba y aparentaba lo que no era, el domingo pasado 10 de mayo, por fin supe ser yo con todo lo que soy quedé al descubierto ante mis ojos que soy madre pero no la mejor, sino la que aprendió a ser madre sin modelo a seguir creyendo que lo estaba haciendo bien, el tiempo, las distancias, las circunstancias me hicieron entender que no es así, no supe sembrar esa conexión emocional con mis hijos, entonces como esperaba ser honrada, sin embargo tampoco lo esperaba, no me hice espectativas y ocurrió tal cuál lo imagine, no hubo algarabías, abrazos, besos ni palabras bonitas aunque si algunos detalles que estaba lejos de cubrir la cuota emocional de una madre, pero tuve la certeza de saber quien soy para mi y para los demás, para nada me siento mal sentí esa coherencia externa e interna que me llenó de paz y libertad personal.

Now that I'm older, my complacency is starting to take its toll. It bothered me, it made me feel bad, to see WhatsApp statuses with messages honoring mothers. It made me realize that I'm not the "best mother in the world" that most people boast about on social media. This year, no one told me "Mom, I love you," no one showed me off in their statuses, no one asked me how I was, no one bought me my favorite dessert. I don't think my family even knows that. I ate pizza I bought myself; I didn't want to cook that day. The mask that hid and pretended to be something I wasn't fell away. Last Sunday, May 10th, I finally knew how to be myself, with all that I am. I was laid bare before my own eyes: I am a mother, but not the best, rather the one who learned to be a mother without a role model, believing I was doing it right. Time, distance, circumstances made me understand that it wasn't like that. I didn't know how to cultivate that emotional connection with my children, so how could I expect to be honored? However, I didn't expect it either. I didn't have any expectations, and it happened exactly as I had imagined. Imagine, there were no celebrations, hugs, kisses or kind words, although there were some details that were far from covering the emotional quota of a mother, but I had the certainty of knowing who I am for myself and for others, I don't feel bad at all, I felt that external and internal coherence that filled me with peace and personal freedom.