Photograph of my authorship of the pink sky of the city of Barcelona from my patio, edited in Canva with the phrase "Love, feel, cry a little"
Hello, dear hiver!❤️
I don't know where you go when you feel like your heart is broken. And I'm not referring to the breakup of a couple, which is painful, however, there are circumstances in life that completely break your heart. For example, with the loss of someone you love.
It's hard.
I feel that the first days are those where you find yourself in limbo, you just have to do what you are used to, work, study, water the plants. The difference with the casual routine is that it doesn't feel the same. I have spent days holding back tears in my eyes.
I have felt this sensation before. You think maybe you get used to losing someone. However, this is not Nemo.
Each person or animal is irreplaceable. And its absence means that it will no longer be there. You enjoyed what you could, and what you didn't, will only be memories in your mind.
The next step is to accept it.
No, I will not tell you about the steps of grief in a perfect order. I'll just tell you what I've experienced.
How do you accept that he is no longer here? It hurts, even more.
That's right, I clear my mind by doing the usual, I even add new activities. I woke up early today, more than usual. Being in bed means thinking too much. And thinking too much makes me cry, it doesn't feel good to me.
I think you have to drain what you feel. I have done it, I have cried a lot already. I feel like the crying is not going to end. Until one day, you don't know when, you just stop and accept it. Maybe some tears will come out, but not like before.
I just remembered when my father died. Someone asked my grandmother "how could I get over it so quickly if days had passed?", and she added "my mother passed away and it still hurts."
I never understood my grandmother's way of acting. It was more painful for me to see her actions. Each one was a straight stab to the heart.
I share the opinion of that stranger. No matter the years, she still hurts. Life goes on, but there is a part of you that remembers that person and only feels like going back in time. It's impossible, but who cares? You just want one more minute, just one, please.
My consolation at times has been sleep. Not to stop thinking, because even when I'm asleep I think, but rather, so I can dream for a while.
Train my brain to work while I sleep sometimes. Don't ask me, I don't know how I did it.
Time will not go back. That's just a fantasy. We have the memories that we pass from generation to generation. We live happily, or not, but, that's what we have for you. I have embraced my memories. I tell them, I even use them as life experiences to inspire others.
Life takes away some things from you, but gives you others.
I have asked myself why. There is no answer, I just know that I have learned from it. To love more, to share more, to not give a damn about irrelevant things. Job? Can I get another one, studies? I can come back at any time. But, sharing with my mother, my sister, my father, my pets, going for a walk, going on a trip, and living, are one-time things.
I feel like we are worried about such irrelevant things. They don't teach that they have more weight than our life. It is not like this. It's all been a lie. Living is what matters! Loving is what matters!
Our lives are passing us by in nothing that fulfills us. Nothing that makes us feel complete.
So, when you have your heart, it goes to that which fills us with life, to the arms of our mother, the purring of our cat, the licks on our dog's face, in a conversation with our sister, in sharing with our friends.
We have somewhere to go.
It may not fix it right away, but we will feel better. I like to look at the kitchen, one of the important places in the house, and see my mother, or see my beloved cats.
I have a happy place, a quiet one, one full of love.
I may not feel good now, but, love fills my heart, as I fight the tears from my eyes.
25/04/24
Text and images of my authorship. Cover made in Canva.
