At 37 years old, Lucio was still living with his mother, he had convinced himself that it was the right thing to do, after all, what would have become of him if it had not been for all his sacrifice, where would he be now? And even though his mother had freed him a long time ago from that responsibility, he was still hiding behind that excuse, when the reality was completely different, a little less altruistic and more selfish.
On the way to her room, the light under Lucio's door awakened Elena's concern once again. Her insomnia kept her up until the wee hours of the morning and on her nightly walks in pursuit of sleep that light was always there.
Perhaps her concern for her son was the cause of her lack of sleep. She didn't know how to help him and that for a mother is usually fatal.
Lucio slept during the day and stayed awake all night. Elena wondered if it was a defense mechanism her son had implemented to avoid uncomfortable conversations with her or any of his siblings.
Since he was a child, Lucio was reserved, always in his room, especially when visitors came to visit.
As an adult, migraine and his constant mood swings were his constant excuse. He always felt bad, he was always indisposed and his mood was never appropriate so he decided to stay away from everyone.
His self-isolation only allowed him to share with the rest of his family when it was indispensable. Mealtimes, for example, were always fast and with words administered as if he had to pay for each one of them.
Special dates he considered a torture from which he tried to escape at all costs.
Having to talk to family members whom he did not usually see and who apparently cared more about his own sentimental life than he did about his own, overwhelmed him, to the point that he often ended up offering any excuse to stay within the four walls of his room. Since his adolescence, that had become his safe place.
His room was always dark, almost as dark as his soul, but at night it would light up a bit thanks to the light emanating from his computer or cell phone.
Somehow cyberspace had become his only grounding cable. In the social networks she had found "siblings" as she used to call them, she only felt at ease with them.
As a mother she found it hard to watch her son wasting away in that room. His dark circles under his eyes were getting darker and darker every day and his eyes were always dull, the proof that Lucio had decided to stop living, because this was definitely not a life.
The lack of sleep, his inverted schedules and his determination to isolate himself from the real world were consuming him without even realizing it.
Unable to sustain healthy interpersonal relationships, even with his own family, he took refuge in that virtual world full of wonderful people with whom he forgot his miserable life at times.
With them he could be someone else. He was the fun-loving, talkative and affable boy he had always wanted to be. His virtual siblings didn't care about his personal life, they didn't try to dig into his feelings, much less call him insensitive when he refused to attend one of their family gatherings.
His new brothers and sisters were always there, always with a smile. The one that was represented through an emoji that jumped on his screen and that although he did not know if it was real or not, he was determined to believe it was.
Interacting in that world did not make him prey to anxiety, his fingers had found a way to type faster and faster. He could hold conversations in different chats simultaneously.
He talked about everything and nothing at the same time. Never about personal topics, of course. His socializing in the networks was limited to banal topics, which was perfect for him. He felt accompanied but not emotionally committed. Although many times he felt that all that was real.
His siblings, although they tried to understand him, were unable to do so. As shy as he was, because of many traumas accumulated over the years, it was inconceivable to them that Lucio would decide to put them aside.
"How is it possible that you prefer to talk to complete strangers than to your own family? " his younger sister would reproach him when she went to visit with her young son and Lucio would just stick his head out in the darkness of his room to announce that that day his migraine was too strong and he would not be able to go out.
Lucio wanted to get away from it all, he desperately wanted to live alone, so he would not have to talk to anyone, or have uncomfortable conversations with a reckless uncle. There would finally be no more of those forced chats at lunchtime and the damned excuses he was tired of inventing.
He wanted to be free of that obligation that no one had imposed on him to take care of his mother.
"If you don't feel comfortable here, you don't have to stay, son. You have enough money to live on your own. I don't need you at home". Those had been his mother's words a few years ago when Lucio returned home after successfully completing his university studies.
However, Lucio insisted that a woman of her age should not be alone. He considered it his responsibility to accompany her since her brothers had their own families and although her mother insisted that she could fend for herself, he refused to leave.
It was clear to Elena that all this was just a crude excuse to avoid facing the world.
Being at home kept him safe from being forced to socialize with others. With them he felt able to cross words but having to do so with others was totally unthinkable. He needed to be there.
Something as simple as leaving the house for shopping triggered his anxiety. How about running into an acquaintance or worse yet a family member. Lucio preferred not to risk it.
Just a click away, in his virtual world, Lucio had everything he needed while in the safety of his room his life was slowly consuming away, so isolated from reality that he could never notice that next to his own, his mother's life was also fading away.
His selfishness disguised as love and altruism took two lives. Two living dead stumbled into a house that although full of furniture was completely empty.
Lucio and Elena looked into each other's eyes without looking at each other as they ate their dinner in absolute silence.
A sus 37 años Lucio seguía viviendo con su madre, se había convencido que eso era lo correcto, a fin de cuentas ¿Qué sería de él si no hubiese sido por todo su sacrificio, dónde estuviese ahora? Y a pesar que su madre lo había liberado hace muchísimo tiempo de ésa responsabilidad él seguía escudándose tras ésa excusa, cuando la realidad era completamente diferente, un poco menos altruista y más egoísta.
Camino a su habitación la luz bajo la puerta de Lucio despertó una vez más la preocupación de Elena. Su insomnio la mantenía de pie hasta altas horas de la madrugada y en sus caminatas nocturnas persiguiendo el sueño ésa luz siempre estaba ahí.
Quizá su preocupación por su hijo era la causante de su falta de sueño. No sabía cómo ayudarlo y éso para una madre suele ser fatal.
Lucio dormía durante el día y permanecía despierto toda la noche. Elena se preguntaba si era un mecanismo de defensa que había implementado su hijo para evitar conversaciones incómodas con ella o alguno de sus hermanos.
Desde pequeño Lucio se mostró reservado, siempre en su habitación, especialmente cuando recibían visitas.
Ya de adulto la migraña y sus constantes cambios de humor eran su excusa permanente. Siempre se sentía mal, siempre estaba indispuesto y su humor nunca era apropiado por lo que decidía permanecer alejado de todos.
Su autoaislamiento sólo le permitía compartir con el resto de su familia cuando era indispensable. La hora de la comida por ejemplo trabscurría siempre rápida y con palabras administradas como si tuviese que pagar por cada una de ellas.
Las fechas especiales las consideraba una tortura de la intentaba escapar a toda costa.
Tener que hablar con familiares a quienes no solía ver y a los que al parecer les preocupaba más que a él su propia vida sentimental lo agobiaba, al punto que muchas veces terminaba ofreciendo cualquier excusa para quedarse entre las cuatro paredes de su habitación. Ése desde su adolescencia se había convertido en su lugar seguro.
Su habitación siempre oscura, casi tanto como su alma, de noche se iluminaba un poco gracias a la luz que emanaba de su computador o su celular.
De alguna manera el cyber espacio se convirtió en su único cable a tierra. En las redes sociales había encontrado "hermanos" como solía llamarles Sólo con ellos se sentía a gusto.
Como madre le resultaba difícil de ver cómo su hijo se consumía en ésa habitación. Sus ojeras cada día más oscuras y sus ojos siempre apagados eran la prueba fehaciente de que Lucio había decidido dejar de vivir, porque definitivamente aquello no era vida.
La falta de sueño, sus horarios invertidos y su empeño en aislarse del mundo real lo estaban consumiendo sin siquiera darse cuenta.
Incapaz de sostener relaciones interpersonales sanas, incluso con su propia familia, le hacían refugiarse en ése mundo virtual repleto de gente maravillosa con las que olvidaba de a ratos su miserable vida.
Con ellos podía ser alguien más. Era el chico divertido, conversador y afable que siempre había querido ser. A sus hermanos virtuales no les importaba su vida personal, no intentaban hurgar en sus sentimientos y mucho menos le tildaban de insensible cuando se negaba a asistir a alguna de sus tertulias familiares.
Sus nuevos hermanos y hermanas estaban siempre ahí, siempre con una sonrisa. Ésa que se representaba a través de un emoji que saltaba a su pantalla y que aunque no sabía si era real o no estaba decidido a creer que lo era.
Interactuar en ese mundo no lo hacía presa de la ansiedad, sus dedos habían encontrado la manera de escribir cada vez más rápido. Podía sostener conversaciones en distintos chats de manera simultánea.
Hablaba de todo un poco y de nada a la vez. Nunca de temas personales por supuesto. Su convivencia en las redes se limitaba a temas banales lo cual era perfecto para el. Se sentía acompañado más no comprometido emocionalmente. Aunque muchas veces sentía que todo aquello era real.
Sus hermanos aunque trataban de enenderlo no lograban hacerlo. Por muy tímido que fuese, por muchos traumas acumulados a lo largo de sus años, les resultaba inconcebible que Lucio decidiera ponerlos a un lado.
"¿Cómo es posible que prefieras hablar con completos desconocidos que con tu propia familia?" le reprochaba su hermana menor cuando iba de visita acompañada de su pequeño hijo y Lucio se limitaba a asomar la cabeza en medio de la oscuridad de su habitación para anunciar que ése día su migraña era demasiado fuerte y no podría salir.
Lucio quería huir de todo aquello, deseaba desesperadamente vivir solo, así no tendría que hablar con nadie, ni sostener conversaciones incómodas con un tío imprudente. Se acabarían por fin esas pláticas forzadas a la hora de comer y las malditas excusas que estaba cansado de inventar.
Quería ser libre de esa obligación que nadie le impuso de cuidar a su madre.
"Si no te sientes a gusto aquí no tienes por qué quedarte hijo. Tienes dinero como para vivir de tu cuenta. Yo no necesito que estés en casa". Ésas habían sido las palabras de su madre unos años atrás cuando Lucio regresó a casa después de culminar de manera exitosa sus estudios universitarios.
Sin embargo Lucio insistía en que una mujer de su edad no debería estar sola. Consideraba su responsabilidad acompañarla ya que sus hermanos tenían sus propias familias y aunque su madre insistía en qué podía valerse por sí misma él se negaba a marcharse.
Para Elena estaba claro que todo aquello no era más que una excusa burda para no enfrentarse al mundo.
Estar en casa lo mantenía a salvo de verse obligado a socializar con otros. Con ellos se sentía capaz de cruzar palabra pero tener que hacerlo con otros era totalmente impensable. Necesitaba estar ahí.
Algo tan simple como salir de casa por las compras disparaba su ansiedad. Qué tal que se encontrase con algún conocido o peor aún con algún familiar. Lucio prefería no arriesgarse.
A sólo un click, en su mundo virtual, Lucio tenía todo lo que necesitaba mientras que en la seguridad de su habitación su vida se consumía lentamente, tan aislado de la realidad que jamás pudo notar que junto a la suya, la vida de su madre, también se apagaba.
Su egoísmo disfrazado de amor y altruismo cobró dos vidas. Dos muertos vivientes tropezaban en una casa que aunque repleta de muebles estaba completamente vacía.
Lucio y Elena se veían a los ojos sin mirarse mientras tomaban su cena en absoluto silencio.
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Traducido con:| Translated with www.DeepL.com/Translator (free version)