Abel Ladd - The Crying Child | Day 16 : 1826 words

The ride back to the hospital was the worst ride she could remember ever taking, worse than the ride going to find him in this state in the hospital. This one she knew would be her last. Abel wriggled in her arms as she sat somberly in the back seat of the car that carried her through the city and she watched the scenery pass by without an ounce of recognition. Her mind was locked on what she was about to do and she had no desire to do it, but she knew it was the only thing she could do now.
The car stopped at the entrance to the hospital and soon Esme and Abel were in the hallway to Neal’s room. A commotion was going in in one of the emergency rooms as they passed and Esme glanced in to see arms and legs flailing about as a group of doctors worked to hold a man down. She hurried her steps and quickly opened the door to Neal. She walked in to see him just as he had been when she left and her heart sank knowing what was next.
She slid the chair next to the bed and sat down. She reached up and held his hand in hers. Her eyes closed and she prayed silently, “please God, I need a miracle. I need some sign that I should not do this, something, anything. Please God.” The tears were streaming down her face when her eyes opened and as she looked over Neal she felt the heavy weight fall on her shoulders and she knew she couldn’t prolong things.
As she stood she cradled Abel close saying gently, “I’m glad this is not how you will know your dad. You will know him for the amazing person he was.” She leaned over and kissed Neal on the forehead whispering, “I’ll always love you,” then turned and walked out of the room. She went to the desk and asked to see Doctor Rowland who they paged quickly. Soon the doctor was walking through the side door and Esme met her somberly.
“Mrs. Ladd,” Doctor Rowland greeted her.
Esme trembled as she stood holding Abel close, trying to summon the strength to speak she just stared at the doctor.
“What can I do for you Mrs. Ladd?” the doctor asked.
Esme took a deep breath and slowly said, “I think it is best to let him go.”
Doctor Rowland bowed her head slightly as she said, “I’m glad you have made the right choice.”
Esme bristled at her words, how could she say it is right to watch her husband die, she felt her heart begin to beat faster as her anger grew. She tried to calm herself but her words came out tense and sharp, “it’s not the right choice, it’s my only choice.”
The doctor met her intense stare and it was clear she dealt with this often with her calm reaction, “often those two are one in the same and you will see that in time. I’m sorry Mrs. Ladd but this is for the best. If you can just sign some forms for us.”
Esme turned to the desk who were pulling pages from a printer and soon had a small stack on a clipboard for her. She began to flip through the pages but the words began to blur and she had to stop and close her eyes to try and focus again. She opened her eyes but the pages were still awash and she looked to the doctor and asked, “is there someone who can help me with this, I can’t read all this right now.”
The woman at the desk quickly spoke up saying, “yes ma’am we have family advocates that can help you with that. I will page one for right now.”
Esme turned to her and said, “thank you.” She then turned and looked Doctor Rowland in the eyes with a tired exhausted look before walking to the line of chairs and sitting down in a slump in an open one.
Doctor Rowland let a smirk cross her face then she turned and quickly walked back through the side door followed by an intern.
Esme sat rocking Abel until he got fussy and needed to eat so she obliged and set him up to suckle when the main door by the desk opened and a middle aged woman walked out with a rather tall stack of papers. She walked up to Esme and said, “Mrs. Ladd, if you’ll follow me.”
The woman walked back to the door stood with the it held open for her and she took a deep breath before standing and walking through the door past the womans overstretched hand holding the door.
They made their way to a very small office with no windows and filled with filing cabinets. The chair offered to Esme looked like a grade school reject and she sat gently on it for worry of breaking it under her weight. She looked around at the claustrophobic surroundings before turning to the woman who said lightly, “I’m sorry for your loss Mrs., uhm…” as she looked down at her papers then continued, “Mrs. Ladd. Esme, is that okay? My name is Jessa and I am her to help you through this terrible time.”
Esme nodded in response then asked as she eyed the large stack of papers, “is that everything we have to go through now? He is a newborn,” she said motioning to Abel. “I can’t keep him still and quiet for long periods.”
“Oh, don’t worry about that hon, I have three boys of my own and I remember well this time of their lives. You’re fine. If you need a break we can take one any time. Really a lot of this is just the legal stuff and there is only a handful of pertinent pages.”
Esme sighed a large sigh of relief then asked, “can I feed him? I was just about to when you came out.”
“Please, take care of your son,” she said supportively.
Esme situated Abel to eat beneath her maternity shirt and once he had latched properly she looked back to Jessa and said, “he’s good now, we can get started.”
Jessa began the process of going through all the documents the hospital and the insurance required for the termination of care, reading through each page and explaining various parts. Esme signed her signature numerous times and each time she felt like she was driving a stake into Neal’s heart. After about a third of the stack Abel had enough and they took a break for Esme to burp him and cuddle him for a bit before they were able to resume.
The final signature that she had to give was the termination of life form, the one authorizing the hospital to remove the life support from Neal. Esme stared down at the form and she couldn’t manage the will to make her hand draw the same signature she had just signed so many times. Her sight had been moderately better but now that she felt the adrenaline surge her sight cleared dramatically and she could more easily read the page. She focused as best she could on what she was reading but the truth of what she was doing weighed on her conscience and she found herself staring at the page no longer reading.
Jessa watched Esme transition from alert to dazed and waited a moment before asking, “you okay?”
Esme’s eyes focused again and she stepped out of her thoughts back to the present and she looked up at Jessa, her face awash in grief, and shakily said, “I can’t. I don’t want him to go.”
“I know this is so extremely difficult and heartbreaking but it really is best to not let him be in pain. To exist on life support is not a life, I’m sure you agree?” Jessa said as she put her hands on Esme’s, her eyes imploring her to understand.
Esme’s head dropped and after a few deep breaths she said quietly, “you’re right, it’s not a life.”
Slowly Esme raised her head and looked again at the last form she had to sign, the tears beginning to stream down her cheeks. She picked up the pen one last time and signed her signature authorizing the removal of Neal’s life support. She let the pen fall and her hand fell back to her lap and automatically wrapped around Abel’s tiny form. “I’m so sorry, I’m so so sorry,” she whispered to Abel as she slowly rocked in the seat.
Jessa took the final page and set it atop the stack then straightened them and said, “I’m very sorry for your loss and we have grief counselors available if you would like to speak with one.” Standing from behind her desk she picked up the forms then continued, “I am going to make copies for you if you want to wait here you are welcome or there is the front waiting area.”
Esme glanced around the tiny office and her body was well aware of the uncomfortable seat she had been sitting on, “I think we’ll wait up front.”
“Thant’s fine, I will be up shortly.” Jessa said as she opened the door and held it for Esme who gradually stood and walked out of the office.
She made her way to one of the more comfortable chairs in the waiting area and sat back staring at the floor absorbed in her sorrow. It wasn’t long before Jessa walked out with a folder with her copies of the forms and handing them to Esme said, “here you go. If you would like to witness the process you are welcome to go back.”
Esme stared at her blankly then eventually said, “no. It’s bad enough I’ll have the memory of him injured, I don’t want the memory of him dead.”
Jessa nodded in understanding then said once more, “I’m very sorry for your loss.” She turned and walked back through the side door leaving Esme sitting in the waiting area still looking blankly at the air.
The wiggling of Abel brought her back and she slowly stood from the chair, walked to the desk and asked for a car to take them home.
“There is a car waiting out front already ma’am,” the woman behind the desk said motioning to the main entrance.
“Oh, thank you,” Esme said then turned and made her way to the waiting car.
The driver saw her coming and quickly jumped out of the drivers seat and hurried around the car to open the door for her and helped her into the seat. He soon was back in his seat and soon they were moving through the city and Esme could only look down at Abel’s small form as she rocked in the seat and let the tears continue to flow.