Just like every other day since the incident happened, I have been forced to live my life hoping that the pain I feel in my heart magically vanishes.
"Time heals all things, they say", "You'll be fine, just hang in there for a little while". How long do I have to hang in there? How long do I have to pretend that I am fine for others not to worry about me? How many times do I have to cry my eyes out every time there is a trigger? Is there a manual on how to deal with grief? I honestly don't mind getting one.
I stood up to go shower so I could go to the garden, even though I lost someone important I didn't lose the one place that means a lot to me and my family.
The garden was serene as always, and it always felt like the cloud looked clearer here, the flowers were blooming, the weeds were growing as usual, and some fruits were almost ripe. Everything looked peaceful and the garden felt like a different world entirely. This garden is the one place where I can get away from all the problems of life, no pity, no pep talks, no humans, just me and all the beautiful things present in this wonderful garden.
I sat down on our favorite bench, this was “our bench” as it held so many memories, this was where we rested after tending to the garden for the day, it was where we ate our snacks and laughed over silly things but right now it was no longer "our bench" as mum was no longer here to make it complete.
I folded my legs together and I could not help but feel sad. Ever since Mum died eight months ago, it's been so hard to live a day without having any triggers, as Mum was written all over the house, car, and every damn place we went to so it was hard to move on.
Today I had a major trigger, tomorrow is Prom, and Mum and I had so many plans for Prom. I was supposed to be her doll, we were supposed to use Dad's credit card the way we liked for my Prom dress and makeover.
Mum had kept nagging me to get a date for prom and finally, Kelvin asked me to be his date to Prom on Thursday but mum was not there to squeal in excitement and be the happy bird that she was, she was not there to see the roses and the cute note Kelvin had given to me, she was not there to listen as I ramble over everything in excitement.
Thinking about all of these made me shed tears but the more I pictured her face in all these scenes the more the tears kept coming out uncontrollably.
God why? God this was not the plan. My mum was supposed to return home with my baby brother in her hand, I was supposed to be a proud big sister, that was the plan and that plan was the best.
I wept to a point where I couldn't weep any more, I was numb, I was tired and all I could do was look at the beautiful garden we tended together.
Feeling downcasted, I lazily stood up to weed the garden. The garden was filled with weeds and Mum hated weeds the most. While weeding, I remembered how I would whine about being tired of weeding and Mum would simply smile and encourage me not to give up. Right now if given the opportunity I would choose to have my mama back and I would weed this big garden with her happily without complaining, but then again, if wishes were horses beggars would ride right?
Feeling defeated I concentrated on the weeding.
A few meters away from the portion of land I was weeding I saw a bird land on my mum's favourite flower, "Shuu..shuu" I tried to chase it but it didn't go away, at some point I tried throwing a stone at it, it flew away but returned almost immediately.
While trying to chase it away it kept chirping and it didn't leave my mother's favourite flower. Feeling frustrated already I let it be. While I was still weeding, I stopped for a while and I watched intently as the bird stayed there for a very long time and didn't stop chirping.
"Was this a sign? was was my mum here?" I asked myself.
"Mum is that you?", on impulse the bird drew closer to where I was and it felt like it was talking to me, it was trying to send a message and yes I did get the message, Mum was letting me know she will always be with me regardless of anything.
I smiled, and stood up, at that moment I knew my healing had begun, I don't know when I would be able to heal completely but I knew for a fact that I wasn't alone in this world and that I would soon get through this pain.
"Prom! Here I come!" I fist-pumped.
All images are mine except otherwise stated.
This is my response to Creative garden prompt by the Hive garden community.