The Regrets I Hold for Immediately Attending College

When I graduated high school, I felt vastly empty. I walked the stage with high distinction, acknowledged as the one to rank second in the batch, congratulated by friends and teachers, and yet I could only feel distant from happiness. I never knew those were the signs that I should have paid most of my attention to.

Now, as a first-year college student, I could barely function at my best. Every day is a pithole of exhaustion. Here's why.

You will have freedom, and yet lose it at the same time. The environment is least friendly and pushes you a little bit and yet cruelly enough to the realities of the world. The habits you once had in high school no longer apply in college. And this very difference will drive you to change. You will be driven to grow, in ways you desire and not. And if you are not mentally prepared to meet this growth, like I am, the days will pass like stagnant water. Although it appears exciting at first, it will tire you, unknowingly.

As someone who built her image as an achiever, the weariness and pressure race against one another. Not to mention, the discussions will slowly become specific and more complex. Professors will encourage you to be more participative, tell you to find time for rest and yet assign you several tasks at once. Quizzes happen more often. Things become too tight that you could barely understand the lessons. Oftentimes, I would suddenly cry while reviewing my notes. How tiring it is to be chained by the pursuit of excellence and compromise your mental well-being at the same time because otherwise, you will not be able to walk at the right pace.

Most of your friends will no longer be physically with you. They will have burdens to deal with, as well, thus lessening your time with one another. They can still be there, but not as often and present as before. Gradually, you will feel a kind of weakening by the heart and the uncomforting touch of loneliness. This is why it is very important for at least one to two persons to lean on. And you can find them in your university, as well, it's just that it will be a loop of trial and error. I have seen friendships blossom at the start of the term, only to witness it ruined weeks after. To find those whom you can really trust is difficult, but it is worth the risk.

Tuition, apartment, fare, food, allowance, projects, and requirements. Those are simply the essential things you need to pay for or spend on in college. I, for instance, am on the same stand as those who struggle financially. I am a scholar and yet my expenses are still beyond what my family can provide. I remember crying often, thinking about what should I do to buy food for the following days. Not to mention, my mind is already packed with things concerning my study. It is beyond exhausting to be reliant on your family for financial aid. Sometimes, it makes me feel guilty to ask for money. As much as I want to work part-time, my schedule will not allow me. The complications consume me, most of the time.

In all honesty, I began doubting my choices from day one. But I remained present all throughout, it would be a waste of others' efforts to find me a place in college. Although, it is a self-destructive and unhealthy principle. What I am trying to imply is, despite how fixed your mind at during admission, uncertainties will inevitably arise halfway. Thus, it is essential to stand aground. To have a solid motivation or to form one along the way. Otherwise, you might realize at a later time the need to shift or halt. Although, such a circumstance is completely understandable and courageous. To speak a choice that is for oneself against all the odds.

My intentions are not to impose fear, but to remind you to come when you are most prepared. Because in college, you will lose something for every gain. It requires you to your most sober state. So, I beg you, do not rush. Take a gap year, if you must. Care for your entire well-being, and put yourself first on top of your dreams. You matter more than what you want to achieve. The future can wait for you. Thus, deal with every exhaustion, hesitation, and doubt you have at present. Understand your limitations and yourself before you stride toward what is currently foreign to you. Do not sacrifice your youth, rather utilize it as a stepping stone to something self-fulfilling.