This was the day when I had morning sickness, so we went to the beach to relieve that weird feeling. My baby bump was 4 months old. I hated looking at his father but I liked to eat a lot. Timing that it was also my brother’s birthday, so we took a day's vacation at the Beach of Buenavista. Buenavista is only 15 minutes away from Butuan. It’s a municipality surrounded by the sea with gray sands.
Above is the car I transacted at the bank.
At the schedule of my third ultrasound on August 7, 2022, I had cramps that were thought only a gas. Before I went to the hospital for that last lab test to confirm if I’d undergo a normal delivery, I went to the bank to give the papers they needed for a car loan. Loaning a car at that time was urgent so I could use it at the predicted due supposedly of September 11, 2022. After the bank transaction, I walked 5 kilometers away to go to the hospital for a lab test while I felt a cramping sensation in my belly. My baby kicked a lot but it was like she’s gonna fall and I ignored that because the doctor already confirmed when is the due time. However, I failed to take an ultrasound because I needed to be scheduled first. There were many pregnant women in the line that were scheduled before me. So I took another 3 kilometers walk again to go back home, but inside my room when I was finally home, there was a yellow discharge came out. It was my first time seeing that big discharge that made me fret because I was scared to labor. So no choice, we went back to the hospital and they brought me to the ER. I asked the doctor if I could go back home, but they refused. The cervix dilation was about 3 cm. If it becomes 9-10 cm, I’ll finally deliver my baby. It was my first time to wear a diaper, to be shot by a needle for IV, to be in a hospital bed and wheelchair. I was afraid, but when I felt her kicks, the racing heartbeat just wiped out.
Meet my one week old baby in a deep nap.!
As I was at the emergency room, my aunt praised me for being so relaxed while my cervix was at 3 cm dilated. She said that during her laboring days, she suffered pain in her early phase of labor. No, it wasn’t painful at all. I was just panicking a little bit. The ER doctor called my OB through the phone immediately to keep me monitored as she was still on duty at another hospital. The doctor asked if I preferred an epidural method or a painless one. This kind of procedure is relaxing for a mother even if the baby comes out because a mother is injected with anesthesia and just pulls the baby. I had confidence that I could tolerate the pain in the final stage of labor, so I told the doctor that I preferred a normal delivery without too much injection. So, okay! Later, they finally brought me to the delivery room when cervix dilation was about 4 cm. I was the only one there with a midwife who kept calling my OB. As we talked, I was relaxed without pain at all. My aunt was with me all along, but she wasn’t allowed to get in.
One month old
Slowly, the pain radiated all over my abdomen when the water came out. I thought I was just urinating, but I wanted to urinate too when the pain was more frequent and intense. After 10 seconds, the pain goes away, but after, it comes back. I wanted to just spread my thighs so that the baby would finally come out so I wouldn’t suffer the pain. I thought I could not handle it because it was the most painful feeling than being extracted of a tooth. It felt like the veins in my head seemed to erupt while my racing heart was destroying my focus to push. But the midwife said that it was still at 4 cm, meaning, I should wait ‘till it becomes 6,7,8,9 and 10 and those stages are more painful.
Two months old and didn’t like the camera
When the cervix dilation was about 7 cm, I was like I was out of myself. Even if the doctor played music to calm me down, it didn’t work that way. I begged the midwife if she could get my aunt to alleviate my overthinking. If someone is patting my back, it works, the fear just goes away and the struggle is somehow treated a little bit, but no one was there to calm me down (family member) except the midwife, nurses, and doctor. They didn’t allow anyone to get in except the hospital workers. So I didn’t have a choice but to endure that contraction. Without knowing, my aunt was worried about hearing me screaming. She told it to my family which made them worried so much because they knew I have anxiety that leads to panic when I worry a lot. I don’t wanna remember the times when I panicked because it was so hard for me that only a few people with experience can understand. My family didn’t experience such a thing, so they don’t know of my inner struggle. But in my labor, even if I was alone, I just thought of my baby I’ll nearly see. It was a huge help in overcoming the panic attack while in labor. Just imagine your baby’s face, your purpose as a woman why you lived, and your baby’s dependence on your warmth and protection that anybody cannot do.
Three months old
At 8 cm contraction, the pain was still the same. The doctor just laughed when I begged my baby to come out. Even if I was panicking, my heartbeat was fine and my blood pressure was normal. But because I realized I couldn’t tolerate the pain, I decided to just give birth painlessly (epidural). So I waited another hour to be injected by the anesthesiologist. He had an appointment at another hospital, but it was my fault for being too confident when I was at the ER. It took a lot of waiting while suffering the pain when the anesthesiologist was coming but in traffic.
Four months
Finally, the anesthesiologist arrived when the cervix was dilated at 9 cm. In the operating room, my back was injected with painless anesthesia. Later, the pain casted away. I wore oxygen because of my abnormal heartbeat caused by nervousness. Half of my body was numb. I didn’t feel anything even when they pulled my baby and it surprised me when I heard her cry because my heart was overjoyed. I didn’t have pain when she came out. Even if I spread my thighs, I didn’t care at all. Then I saw the cute face of her, finally. I asked the doctor if I should worry that she cries a lot, and she laughed at me while saying that she is 100% healthy. Crying a lot means that the baby is normal. Her voice was the only noise I heard in the delivery room, a music that swept my tiredness in labor.
Five months
After all the endurance of giving birth was the sunshine that calmed me down when panic attacks seemed to hit sometimes. She is the reason why I’ve seen my purpose in life and why I’m trying my best to give her what she deserves.
One year old
to be continued……
Thank you for helping me coming back ate @olivia08, @diosarich and @antonette. Thank you for your full support @asean.hive and the people behind it such as @justinparke!