Our car is still dead, or just pretending to be, however it didn't make it much easier for us, on the contrary.
The next time I hear someone say - a car is not necessary, I will give them a shopping list and my bike.
See ya 20km later...
My body is changing... And I don't just mean visual appearance, which I don't care in the sense of how many kilos are hanging around.
Endurance, I don't count birthdays, but my body is telling me - I'm getting old, then I sit down and think about what I was capable to do at a younger age, 48 hours of sleeplessness?
No problem.
Work all day and then ride a bike 40km?
No problem.
Paint the whole apartment in a day?
No problem...and the list goes on and on.
Seems like payback time has come, my back hurts a lot.
I can feel the pressure in the lower part, like it's going to explode, my ovaries are pulsing, they act like it's tight in there. Grabbing my Pilates ball and letting all my nerves to stretch out, I can hear muffled crackling. Pain is a pleasure, this time. Mind is still wandering around, sharp pain brings it back from the last party I attended, recently I stumped on those photos, me sitting in lazy bag, sun just came up,I'm smiling, mid pale, tired as hell but happy.
My skin is adjusted on moisture products, you know those shiny little packages that promises flawless skin just in two weeks, not using them anymore except for the glycerin, transition is kind of rough. Seems like all my imperfections are finally gathered, still don't care, in front of my eyes flashes the image of me standing in front of the mirror, skin and bones, tanned skin, perfectly tight, my bones are visible. I loved my visible bones, they was a mark I'm having a perfect weight - back then when I convinced myself I can go for days without eating.
Nowadays, it's a tough mission to shut the people up, when they start criticizing my eating habits, let me eat the whole package of cookies you @#%#^, finally I'm in peace with it. You don't know, you wasn't there when I had fear from it.
Can you guess numbers of times I lied about having a meal?
Me neither, I stopped counting.
Push that chin back, lemme see those hormones that are peeking under it. Yeah, I mean those hairs, do you grow beard?
Sometimes I wanna punch people in the face when they try to make a joke about it. Educate yourself and please do not try to be funny about it, cause you can not laugh at it, it's not yours, it's mine and that allows me to be selfish about it, those are mine hormones!
Go, get yourself a pair.
And don't ask me will I have a kids, you see? I don't know!
And I am sad about it, lately often, so shhh.
I mean I can handle everything, I convinced myself into it, but there is a tiny little spark that makes me nervous each time when that topic is brought on the table, it burns my tummy.
Breath in - breathe out, could I do something different? Was I supposed to make things looks different?
That clock runs out... I'm deeply late.
Last curve, my mind runs upfront, I am old and my memories are old.
But I'm still convinced things were as they supposed to be, slight changes that I've made doesn't change the facts as they are.
We aren't meant for everything, and I'm longing home, am I allowed to say that out loud as a grown up person?
