Nicole, Nicole
This year was hard for me and almost nothing went like I imagined. In the beginning of the year I broke up with my girlfriend but we still went together on a voyage to India which even further revealed our true nature to each other and made us even more distant. We came back in March not even sitting next to each other in the airplane cause we both realized that we do not like each other's company any more and would like to be in peace. Things just feel like "negative" but they are exactly the opposite! All this negativity turns up to be positive cause it makes us to be active, adjust, wake up and move!
This photo reminds so much of scene in Terminator -very postapocalyptic.
While I was rediscovering these photos I made with Nicole, I was listening to this:
It helped me comprehend all the thoughts & emotions appearing inside me. My states of mind. Last seven months I have been practicing special ayurvedic diet with a goal to clean my body from accumulated toxins realizing that I have destroyed a bit of my health and been trying to restore it. In March, after coming back from India, I noticed symptoms in my body, especially bad digestion. It was the culmination of my bad health in May when I went to the hospital to be tested on tropical parasites and found out that I had been infected by two different parasitic protozoan organisms. Than I agreed to take some very poisonous anti-parasitic pills and hoped to have my health restored immediately after the therapy but on the contrary, I was still having bad digestion. So I went to a ayurvedic doctor for advice and another therapy protocol to get better. Since than I am practicing that ayurvedic diet and I feel much better but still falling down on the tests of food and drinks that I'm not allowed to consume. And even if I know that those food and drinks are poisonous in a way anyway, I still consume them occasionally to remind myself of the taste or of those tiny personal rituals that made me feel good in the past. But we are not in the past! Every time I fall on these taste test, I feel bad physically afterwards but still I ain't able make a decision and stick to it. To finish with the past and go forward!
These shots I purposely made so dark, allowing to feel my own darkness through them. And I am really changing, evolving to a new version of self.
The sadness, anxiety, lack of confidence, doubts, loneliness... all these that I made myself believe I overcame and are not part of me!
Now I actually really like these dark shots which I mostly in the past made much brighter. Always brighter. Positive. It became boring or even false! Cause I see how the artificial world and material illusions are all falling apart and decaying. Same like the ambience and backgrounds of these shots. Like the colors on the wall on this photo that is falling off...
And then the 2nd video came to me, just now:
Even in this abandoned darkness of solitude in the rotting world, beautiful Nicole is still smiling! And to whom?! To me and my camera, materializing my idea of a photo session!
And than I think to myself: "If I did it before, if I managed to live my dreams in the past and fulfill my ideas to live my life my way, I can do it again in the present and in the future! If I managed to have such a successful photo shoot with such a beautiful woman like Nicole, I can do it again and continue with other beautiful models and make more excellent photography."
This dark ambient with such a mild, gentle, carefree smile, focused on doing her own thing not worrying about her surroundings, security... letting herself go with the flow... being carried by the path that was meant to be, unavoidable and feeling satisfied and thankful for the life given to her, for the opportunity to be alive, to experience the existence in this material world.
I'm so happy now to feel inspired again and moved by my own inner energy to be creative again, to write all these words that try to follow the photos and capture in letters all the thoughts that are changing so quickly in my mind. Anyway, in June I managed to finally buy myself a van - an old VW Transporter T4 from the 90s. It served me the whole summer. Thanks to it, I manage to spent my all summer sleeping in the forest by the Adriatic see, cure and pure myself from the parasites and poisonous pills, cook on open fire, swim and snorkel almost every day, going easy on myself, play music in the street almost every day... Until October, when the van broke down and till now waiting to be repaired. I ended up with debts and no money to repair it. All the mechanic occupied or not wanting to take my van to repair it. But finally last week I decided firmly and started dismantling it by myself with an intention to repair it by myself.
There on the table it is written: "Border crossing Rijeka / Staying and moving limited" and again beautiful Nicole is looking with that same fine smile, not taking the illusion by heart.
Same again while confronting the fence, like it is OK even if I she is not allowed to pass...
I am being aware that everything is happening for a reason always! To Universe-God is trying to teach me lessons through these material experiences and "testing" Itself through me. And here we are, still alive and creating this post after all! Feeling glad with myself, while knowing that I managed to survive all the troubles this year and still even make some of my dreams came true!
Three shadows and one living being - beautiful Nicole - shining in the wild chaos mixture of natural drama and man-made meaningless system of things. Is there a point of existing in here?!
Yes, it is!
I was left out of the words. Suddenly. Nothing to write anymore. Or maybe yes...
Finally, I reminded myself that even when I am completely alone physically, I am actually never alone but always connected with Everything! I can feel all sorts of beings in this world and our interconnections and the highest of us all - Love! Love is the only and the highest purpose of living! That is why we are all here! To learn to open our hearts and be ready to give and receive love without boundaries! To love and be free in love and to love freely!
That's it!
Smile to the world!
Who are happy women? When does a woman feel happy?
When the woman is happy, she's emitting happiness all around & can make others happy too. So, girls, be happy & satisfied with yourselves & your lives! Don't expect & wait others to make you feel good cause no one can do it, except you! There is no prince on the white horse! But I definitely prefer to see the women around me happy in my company!
Keep your shakti vibrant & alive!
Just few last days I was listening some philosophy teachings about men and women and relationships from which I learnt so much and which are very much helpful for both men and women so I'm sharing it here cause everything is connected:
This is my entry to #monomad challenge. Thanks 
for keeping up this great photo challenge!
The upper shots I made with Nikon Z6 & Nikon AF Nikkor 35-70 mm lens. For the self-portrait below I used Nikon D800 and the same lens.
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