Love Celebration
The Week Before; Rizzi Bridge, Klagenfurt, Austria, around 3rd of June 2022
This shot I made with Nikon F-401s & Nikon AF Nikkor 35-70 mm lens on Ilford HP5+ 400 or maybe PAN 400 black & white film. The camera body is old, from 80s or maybe 90s & the lens too but exactly cause of this the effects on the photos are very special. The only problem might be the light as it can be seen on the upper photo - the lack of light gives more grain-noise to the photo. When the light is good, there's almost no grain or noise. On the upper photo I still used a bit of digital editing in Lightroom trying to balance the dark & bright areas & reduce the noise. The camera I set up on the wall where the bridge ends & connects with the other side, set all the parameters for the good photo & press the timer & then ran to kiss the beauty, the sweetheart... Olivia
On this photo I see that ying-yang concept - Olivia with her dark clothes & around her brighter tones coming from the upper left corner & me with my white & bright clothes closed by the darker background surrounding me.
This is my entry to #monomad challenge... Thanks 
for keeping up this great photo challenge! You can choose any of the photos in this post as an entry to the contest. But this post is not only the entry to the photo contest! This is also the story about the beginnings of love...
I was mentioning my love already in a post few months ago: @careassaktart/i-have-many-olives-but-only-one-olivia
So, let's start with the story:
In the begging she said: "I'm sick of men & want to be alone! I'm not ready for a new relationship."
But I didn't listen. I was so much in love with her that I was totally blind & deaf about anything happening right there in front of me...
It was 4th of June 2021 when I was playing djembe on the street in Baška, Croatia, near the sea, as I do frequently for years on various streets of various cities around Europe. That summer I chose Baška to be my residence cause of it's clean & beautiful nature. That evening I was fully in music creating meditative groove trans with drumming & I was totally sweaty. My beats could be heard wide across the Baška Valley & I was attracting a lot of people & there were quite a number of tourist already on vacation...
Suddenly I raise my head & looked in front me & there were a handsome woman & gorgeous angelic blond shy child - a 2 & half years old beautiful little girl & we started speaking... I was showing the child how to play the drum but she was very shy so it was not easy to interact. The woman was not the child's mother - she was mother's friend. & another friend of theirs appeared so we all started speaking & they wanted to know about some real party going on cause it was the fake corona time & the government didn't allow people to live "normally" so many were organizing private illegal events & exactly that evening I was invited to a private party on a beach so I told them that I will continue playing for a while & join them in an hour to meet the rest of the company...
After a while I went to meet them & they introduced me to the mother of the child - she was looking like a small & weak girl but still shining out like a strong woman, with a rounded, gentle face & wild brown hair. She was wearing a short skirt & special boots & I was also wearing my skirt but not the boots, only sandals. So, we shook hands, said names to each other but I think that even before I said my name I said: "Oh wow! I love your boots! I would like to have the same ones!" Her name was Olivia.
Rizzi Bridge, Klagenfurt, Austria, around 3rd of June 2022
She doesn't like anyone taking photos of her. But my passion is photography & especially to shoot those who me feel thrill about - than the 2 passions merge together & the resulting photography is somehow of higher quality & value. It's something intimate but still OK to be shown publicly. On the upper photo I was calling her to look at me & when she did, I pressed the shutter. It is kind of spontaneous but also a bit of posing but in the same time very natural & relaxed.
Few moments after we went all together to their camp site where I met all the others. Most of the guys were already totally wasted of alcohol & other substances cause they were on vacation. Only me & my future muse, we were the most sober. I think she already put her child to sleep & strangely she sat exactly next to me, on my right side. There we spent some time talking all together & celebrating. We were mentioning the illegal party on the beach & I promised to take them there. Several time she said: "Oh, I also want to go for a party!" But there was no one to take care of her daughter so she needed to stay. I was just watching & listening what is happening around. Sometimes they were speaking in German so I understood only the energies but not really the meanings of the words or the conversations between them. It was already a bit too much for me with all this huge quantity of cheap beer. I was already not in the mood for heavily drinking for months or even years before. In those times I preferred smoking or some other substances & was already tired of all day long activities so in the meantime, I was yawning quite often & Oli said: "If you're tired, you can lay down next to my daughter." This offer surprised me a lot & I was wondering how could she propose such a thing to a complete stranger who she knew for only a couple of hours. I politely refused it & anyway I promised her friends to take them to a party & I like to keep my promises. Some time later we finally decided to get up & go for the party. Some of them were already sleeping completely knocked down so I said good night to everyone & wanted to friendly hug Oli for a farewell & as I was leaning towards her, she kissed me softly & nicely on my lips! WoW! I was in a shock but a positive one! I felt almost no attraction towards her & now everything inside of me suddenly was changed by her courage to make a 1st move on me & not to wait for me... That was something really amazing! But unfortunately I went for the party & not stayed with her & all night long I was thinking about these warm lips of hers & wondering why I didn't stay with her. When I was returning the guys back to the camp around 04:00 h, I was telling them that I want to see Oli again & how can we arrange this & her friend - the woman who firstly came to me with a child was approving my wish & helped me.
Rizzi Bridge, Klagenfurt, Austria, around 3rd of June 2022
The next shot we did, I asked her to pose more & encouraged her not to be shy & afraid of the camera any more, especially not of my camera & that these are the moments that would be nice to capture & remember them not only in our memories. Also I don't use the film for the moments that I don't find special. It was not so hard for her to pose anymore, what you can see on the photo - more posing but kept the natural & relaxed attitude.
The next evening I met them all again. We were slowly walking by the sea & in the moment when Oli & me stayed a bit behind the others, I gathered my courage & said: "Hey! I want more that kisses of yours!" & she said: "Come tonight again to the camp & we can hang out more..." So it was! That night we stayed alone at some point in the camp & we were kissing & touching each other almost innocent like teenagers for hours, almost till the sunrise. That night was magical not only for our special connection but also cause of the stars in the night sky, the sound of the sea waves bumping on the pebble beach near us & even mild summer raining occurred. It was incredible & I will never forget it!
In the next months we were seeing each other often. I was coming to visit her & she was coming to visit me. For me it was a big thing & for her just fun. I was supporting her in every way & in the same time I was ignored, refused, resisted, opposed, abandoned, taken for granted, used & objectified but my love to her kept me going with a hope that she would recognize my worth & values & to really, truly & fully gift herself to me & give me her respect. I don't like to possess people in any way especially not in love. Love & friendship need to be voluntary & free, without conditions so I didn't demand anything from her & was telling her that she is always free but she understood it like she wanted to understand or maybe misunderstood it & unfortunately misused it even thou several times for months she was saying: "I love you!" & "Now you have a girlfriend!" Again I passed all this but than our love became conditional - which I never wanted to happen. It's still lasting but often in more misunderstandings, arguments, hurt & pain.
On the other hand, she made so much effort to make the situation better, showed remorse & searched for redemption & there were much nicer & greater moments that we had together than the bad ones. But I got very tired, even a bit sick of lost of all that energy & only when I felt the real physical pain in my body, I started to worry about my health & realized that I've forgotten about my self, that in all the love I was giving away, I didn't gave any or very few to myself, which made me really sick. Now I'm taking care of myself more, working again on my personal development, my consciousness, setting my health on the 1st place of my priorities with the hope that I will get well again, return the smile on my face & to be able to feel the real love again, cause for a while I felt very low vibrations & it feels like I'm stuck in stagnation & like all what I was doing in the last year was wrong.
A week before our love became conditional, these photos I made. I visited her this time & we spent approximately 7 days together. It was our 1. anniversary & a Love Celebration by doing many things together: cooking, speaking, walking, going out, swimming in the lake & making a lot of crazy, wild & gentle love everywhere around - the multi-orgasmic love marathons which made me feel that we are even more connected. But unfortunately it wasn't like I thought. I was not enough for her or maybe the demon inside of her which devours & can destroy almost everything.
& it's not easy for me to write all of this publicly but I felt I might feel better if I let it all go out in this creative way of writing with some photos which are also a creative way of expressing myself. I also believe that I'm not the only one with a situation like this & that there are many with similar or even same situations & your opinions, solutions & experiences I would like to witness in the comments. I also don't want to blame anyone about anything nor push the guilt or responsibility away from myself - cause I am the only one responsible for myself & my well-being.
Happiness; Wohn Zimmer Bar, Klagenfurt, Austria, around 3rd of June 2022 - her daughter was with the father so went out a bit
"The Boots of the 1st Day"; Wohn Zimmer Bar, Klagenfurt, Austria, around 3rd of June 2022
"In the Garden"; Grafenstein, Austria, around 4th of June 2022
After all I believe that true love can transcend & overcome everything, what I have already proven myself when I have forgiven to Oli & to myself & accepted her into my arms again. Also I recognize the steps she made towards me & how she's slowly changing her behavior. I consider all this what happened to us as life school of lessons & the past. I can hardly imagine the future & even don't want to. I want to focus myself on the present, heal & love myself & to be able to unconditionally give my love to Oli again. My full trust I have already given back to her. I hope that this post will help others to believe in love they feel & never give up on it no matter how big are the demons that show you opposite!
Thanks for reading!
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