I trundle the aisles of the grocery store, fat with black winter coat and a month's worth of holiday indulgence. I could be invisible behind my dirty glasses and tired workday hair. I want to be.
But I'm not.
7:30 PM. Wednesday evening. Fred Meyer. Hawthorne Boulevard. I look it up on meetup.com but if the meetup exists it's not called anything obvious like The Eligible Shoppers Club or Bachelor Grocery Nite at Freddy's! Yet around every corner, down every aisle, in front of every endcap, I encounter dude after solitary dude. My age. Carrying baskets. Pushing around the same damn single-person shopping cart I'm pushing around. There are so many. Their individual scratchy bachelor winter beard faces melt into the sea of scratchy bachelor winter beard faces that floods the store like Christmas snowmelt.
It's a secret society of solo male shoppers with thoughts so loud you can hear them over the classic Pearl Jam tunes they pipe through the speakers.
I'm a dumpy Portland Dorothy, carting little Toto around in a wheeled picnic basket, lost somewhere under the rainbow where black birds fly, in a Land of Foodstuffs and Sundries, 175 miles south of the Emerald City. I've walked in on a party I wasn't invited to only to find myself the unspoken guest of honor.
Oh look a cute little dog being pushed around in a cart by-- OH MY GOD A FEMALE OF MY SPECIES.
...potatoes, mushrooms, tomatoes, celery, carrots, brussels sprouts, GIRL!--no, that's not on the list-- garlic, onions...
These chips are on sale but are they cheaper than the ones I have the coupon for and jesus fuck how long has it been since I got laid fuck me fuck my life fuck chips I'm gonna grab a six pack of Breakside IPAs and kill the whole thing tonight. Wait no not fuck chips I take it back I still want chips. Chips go good with fuck-my-life beer.
I like my veggies like I like my women, frozen until I'm ready for them.
How long has this been going on, or has it always?
What is it that they say? Once you stop looking...
This is a gold mine! If only I were looking for gold. I'm not. I don't want gold. I want eggs and arugula and ibuprofen. Zucchini, cheese, and hot pepper almonds.
A smiler by the peanut butter catches my eye. I nod politely. Turn away quickly. I hike up my ineligible bachelorette britches. Slosh through the sea of single men and continue my lifelong quest for groceries.
This is my entry for the #monomad challenge, held daily in the Black and White Community.
Give it a try. Wednesday nights. Fred Meyer. 7:30 PST. You never know who you might meet.
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~Crow featured is Biggie. He is a highly eligible bachelor. But he doesn't shop at Fred Meyer.~
